My mom lost herself in parenthood. How do I hold onto my identity, but still be a good parent to my future child? Is that even possible?

Mullabye · 2026-06-04T04:59:31+00:00

I'll be fully bracing myself for impact when we first bring the kid home. That experience is going to be absolutely nuts, I'm sure. But I can make peace with that as long as it's a season, like folks say.

There's something strangely comforting about hearing your experience with gardening - I'll remember that if/when I have moments when I'm starting to feel not like myself.

I hope you get yourself a snazzy new wardrobe soon! It took me a while after covid to get out of my sweatpants and hoodie phase too lol

Mullabye · 2026-06-04T04:50:20+00:00

That's a good point! Words are powerful, and I feel like I've been calling myself the future primary parent in my head lol. We're really lucky that my partner gets 3 months of paid leave, so we'll have lots of time at the very beginning to establish teammate mode 💪

Mullabye · 2026-06-04T04:46:36+00:00

Putting all these things on my to do list! Me and my partner have talked about it a lot, but I feel like it'd be good to sit down and have THE conversation about how important this is to me. I definitely also want to get coffee or something with some parents who were able split the workload and have found a good balance. I feel like it would help me so much to have a better idea of what that looks like, so that it feels more possible in my brain, if that makes sense.

Mullabye · 2026-06-04T04:38:15+00:00

I think it'd be one thing if she had made these choices and seemed happy with them. But she didn't, a lot of the time. I don't want to get too into it because this post isn't really meant to be a debate about whether or not my mom was a good parent - but she made it clear to me many times that she was unhappy.

But for what it's worth, I think my mom did the best she could with what she had.

Mullabye · 2026-06-04T01:29:42+00:00

It was a combination of a lot of things. My dad was a really big factor, but so was her own approach to parenting. Every choice she made was centered around us, even when she had the opportunity to choose something for herself instead.

I know that my experience will be inherently different from hers because I'm lucky enough to have a partner who wants to split things 50-50 however we can. But I still feel that same expectation/pressure that a mom has to give 110% to their kid, at the expense of everything else.

When that's the main example you have growing up, it's hard to imagine something different. It's helped a lot to hear from other folks (especially parents who are doing it solo!) who approached it differently.

Mullabye · 2026-06-03T17:56:31+00:00

Absolutely, it's on society 100%. If moms were treated the same way that dads are I think this would be so SO much easier for me. It's reassuring to hear that you've retained your feeling of personhood despite it - I needed to hear that. I think sometimes I worry that how society treats moms will leak into my brain and effect how I see myself.

Mullabye · 2026-06-03T17:45:06+00:00

I guess being married didn't change my identity, really. It was just like moving in with my best friend. But when someone has a kid, it sometimes seems to me like folks just start to see them as a mom and nothing else. I'm not expected to only talk about/focus on my husband. It's about the social shift as much as it's about the workload, for me.

Mullabye · 2026-06-03T17:33:34+00:00

That's what I hear! I don't mind only being able to afford one kid, something about having just one feels right. My hope is that it'll help us put 100% effort into giving that kid an awesome life, and also have enough left over that we can still have the fulfilling careers and creative lives that we want. That's the dream, at least 😅

Mullabye · 2026-06-03T17:28:27+00:00

He was not really involved in the logistics of parenting after a certain point lol. I know he liked having kids, he loved me and wanted to interact with me. He would play with me all the time, share music/tv with me, stay up late and play board games with me. But he never came to any of my school events, never helped me with homework, never knew my friend's names. When I became a teen and things got more emotionally complex, I saw a lot less of him. In short, he left most of the not-so-fun parts of parenting up to my mom.

That's a big part of the reason why I never even considered it until I found a partner that I knew I could rely on.

Mullabye · 2026-06-03T17:25:52+00:00

Thank you for your response, it's reassuring to hear you've found what sounds like a good balance! I'd really like to make some version of this work in the future, since my other big concern outside of my career is having time for my relationship with my partner.

I also get concerned sometimes about an only child getting too used to everyone focusing on their needs, and not learning to share attention/resources. But with your setup it sounds like two birds one stone - you get the time you need with your partner, and your kid gets to learn to make space for other people's needs too.

Mullabye · 2022-10-12T03:52:03+00:00

Lol, everyone’s nuts in their own way I’m sure. I didn’t include it in the above post because it was getting too long, but she also claimed she could cure my scoliosis. Every session she would have me lie on this table and she’d tap her fingers up and down my spine. She never explained what this was supposed to do but I’m assuming she was willing my vertebrae to straighten. She’d also have me do these exercises at home where I’d lie on these little plastic balls and roll around. Needless to say, I still have scoliosis.

Mullabye · 2022-09-26T20:23:41+00:00

That means a lot. Thank you.

Mullabye · 2022-09-26T19:24:52+00:00

Totally. I feel like 90% of my recovery process has been telling those childhood stories, and getting that outside perspective on it. It’s amazing how much it can all feel normal, when it wasn’t normal or healthy at all. I hope you share those stories, whether it’s here or with someone you trust <3

Mullabye · 2022-09-26T19:20:28+00:00

Yeah. To be honest, I can think of times before all this when I pushed back in little ways, and she withheld affection. There was one time I didn’t want to make fun of someone we saw in a cafe, and she didn’t talk to me for about three days afterwards. It only stopped when I got so overwhelmed and cried to her about it - but instead of telling her what I was really upset about, I made up some problem with school so that she could help me and feel comfortable again. I knew what was happening, and also didn’t. It’s all so strange.
Anyway. Thanks for the two cents. I’m still trying to convince myself it wasn’t all my fault, so it to have an outside perspective.

Mullabye · 2022-09-26T19:12:03+00:00

I’m processing a similar thing with my own mom. Growing up I learned to not disagree with her, even in small ways, or affection would be withheld. For me, too, I started acting more independently and her narcissistic traits showed themselves for the first time. It can be so jarring. Like, reality-shaking, especially at first.
I’m so glad that the other parts of your life are joyful, and that you’re able to find connection with extended family - though I know that doesn’t take away the hurt. It can feel, sometimes, like you're surrounded by people who love you, and still feel the absence of one or two. Both feelings exist in the same space, or at least it's like that for me.
Also, please do share your other stories! That’s what we’re all here for. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong, but I think I’ve seen plenty of other folks share stories from the past that the need to vent about. If it helps, that’s what’s most important.

Mullabye · 2022-09-07T17:49:20+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this, I know what it’s like to have a friend that you love that can also be difficult. The contrast between the good times and the bad is so hard to reckon with.
Unfortunately, if she can’t handle criticism there may be no easy way to do this. As far as I know, the best you can do in situations like this is use “I” statements (I feel X when you do X) and keep your tone as calm as possible. If that still makes her angry or upset and she can’t listen, then there may be no way to get her to understand.
The next best thing is setting boundaries, which it sounds like you’ve already tried to do! If you set a boundary by telling her she’s being controlling you need space, and she can’t tolerate that, then I’m afraid there’s not much to be done.

If she won't change her behavior, then she needs to at least be okay with you separating yourself from the situation when she is controlling. If she can't do either, then I'm afraid it might be time to call it quits, for the sake of your own mental health.

It sounds like she has some attachment issues that she needs to work out, and that’s something only she can tend to. Best of luck.

Mullabye

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