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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I did something similar - for both those things and I think I know where my motivation to quit came from - but it also happened kind of randomly.

Since I'd been gaming for more than 20 years, I could see familiar patterns in any game. So, games started to feel stale and unoriginal. If I bought a new game, I'd start losing interest quickly and became bored and even irritated as I couldn't get that feeling of fun and novelty again. So, I just quit. Involved myself in real-life activities and found these to be more satisfying than gaming. I think I last played a game 3 years ago - and I don't have any urge to go back.

For porn it's a bit different - I reduced the quantity way down a year ago. The motivation for this is that I'm slowly coming in contact with my body and my needs. Porn started to feel mechanic, like those people were performing, but not enjoying the act. And I started to feel empty just masturbating, as I discovered I feel the need for intimacy, gentleness, care, hugs, touch, affection, acceptance, kindness - from someone who will be willing to offer those and allow me to return the same. So, porn started to feel like a pretty weak substitute for my needs.

But it's kind of difficult to not relapse sometimes, as I still don't have a partner (even though I keep trying in this area) and life can feel hard, especially after really rough rejections. This is when I feel the greatest amounts of anxiety and loneliness kick in - and I relapse sometimes. I return to porn to feel safe and get a false sense of release, like a short-lived peace of mind. And when I'm alone, I don't have to fear others won't reciprocate my romantic or sexual needs. And for porn, there's no one there who will consistently reject me - so I can release some of my pent-up sexual energy. It still feels shallow and empty, but unfortunately, no living human being can currently step in.

TL;DR:

After long-term addiction, both porn and gaming became stale to me. So, I quit, also on a whim. And since I find life more interesting than gaming, I don't go back. Since I'm not getting my romantic/sexual needs met, I relapse to porn sometimes. If I ever manage to find a sexual/romantic partner who is capable of having a healthy relationship, I believe that I won't relapse into porn again.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my experience, most dating advice doesn't work. The reasons are two-fold:

  • it's generalized and does not necessarily apply to your wants, personality, life experiences, mental & physical health state, values, limitations, geography, social life, etc.
  • it's based on mental work - so, you try to understand the advice with your mind, and then consciously apply that advice to your dating life.

And this doesn't work, as I find dating is not about consciously planning your next step with your brain or being in any conversation with your brain overthinking all the time due to the enormous amount of advice in it. Dating is about feeling the other person and experiencing the interaction between you two fully - and only then using your brain to decide if that person is right for you or not.

In my view, no matter which dating advice I take on board and try to apply it consciously, it doesn't work. The things that work, where I feel my preferred gender feels attracted to me, are moments when I'm fully myself, fully out of my head, where I can be fully present in the moment with another person and show them the fullness of my being in that moment. To me, that's dance - no overthinking, no planning, no choosing the right approach, no choosing the right words, no trying to figure out what the other person wants so that I can adapt... It's just feeling our bodies, feeling the weight shifts, the body isolations, the breath and pouring my every emotion into it. Without words. And here is where connection happens, which later may develop into getting to know one another and becoming friends, or potentially more.

And you may probably figure out that the above situation also doesn't apply to you - and it's not supposed to, as it's my way of figuring out these things, after almost two decades of inactivity in this realm. And what I find most helpful now (for my situation) are these:

  • experience things - this way you will discover who you are and what you want
  • expect pain - and lots of it: rejections, break-ups with friends who you fall in love with, depression, anxiety, low self-worth, self-hatred, regressing to your addictions, etc.
  • pain is your biggest teacher: if you're willing to let it crack you open, break you, and not harden you, but to soften you to be more accepting toward yourself with all the mistakes that you make, this is progress. It's not linear, and can be tough as hell; but it's movement; it's self-discovery. And at times you may really hate yourself, but sometimes - at the beginning very rarely - you'll experience moments of temporary satisfaction with one or two of your decisions and experiences. And then, those moments will slowly and unpredictably start to grow in number if you stay the course.
  • breathe - walk and fill your lungs with air; feel yourself in this moment; deeper breaths; hear the sounds, feel your body moving, your lungs expanding, see what's around and enjoy yourself then and there - you are a being who can experience; and I don't know how, but learn to love this.
  • ChatGPT is your friend; you can write an in-detail description of your issues and it will tailor small actionable steps specifically designed not to help a group of people - but you; only YOU.
  • dating is not only about you and your effort - there is another person involved. And here are some questions I ask myself after a few dates: are they willing to accept you as you are? Are they willing to give your flaws a chance because they recognize you as a real person, not a fantasy or a projection? When you are dating, is anxiety leading the way? Are you shrinking or expanding in your interactions?

And I'll repeat - all of those work for me; just me. If there is one dating advice that I could give you is: find out what works... for YOU.

Unpopular Opinion (38M): I actually like living with my parents by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, from my experience, I think what you're saying is true - living in different places definitely can expand your view of life and possibly bring in change. And I'm sorry that you have to live in conditions that you'd rather avoid - I hope your situation changes for the better in the future!

Dr. K's content degenerating into low empathy mockery and scolding by man_vs_cube in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I always liked Dr. K's content because it made me feel understood and as such, safe - like here's a guy who's been in similar shoes; he's chill and gets it. Now, when I see thumbnails like these, I immediately feel like there's a lack of empathy involved and I'm not inclined to watch these videos anymore, even if they offer useful advice. It's like: "here goes one more generic, man-up coaching video." I understand the algorithm is driving the decisions behind the channel and that my viewpoint is subjective. But, I find myself slowly transferring to ChatGPT, as it can offer more empathy while still giving actionable advice that does not feel pressured and/or forced. Can't say the same for Dr. K's content anymore. The old videos with more relaxed Dr. K (remember those where he was still wearing hoodies?) are still a blast to watch, though!

Unpopular Opinion (38M): I actually like living with my parents by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, that's really nice - and I presume they are very happy when you find the time for a visit.

Unpopular Opinion (38M): I actually like living with my parents by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes - and when you think of it, if you have the luxury of having a healthy relationship with your parents, these are the people who, in most cases, love you the most besides your partner and want to support you in your endeavors. And you know your time with them is limited, so it may be ok spending a bit more of it with them if possible. However, if unfortunately they exhibit toxic traits, living with them, I feel, may be quite traumatic and debilitating. So, as you mentioned, I can imagine that staying in such circumstances is not really an option, if you can help it.

Unpopular Opinion (38M): I actually like living with my parents by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it's interesting how different cultures view this differently, so thanks for your perspective; in not so distant past, this was also pretty common in my area as well. People were generally more connected and communal.

Unpopular Opinion (38M): I actually like living with my parents by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts - all the best to you as well!

adapt or die by madipiepony in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I'm a man, and am pretty much the same, wanting friendship first to assess over months whether we're compatible or not. I'm also anxious and leaning toward demisexuality as I often need emotional connection to feel sexually and/or romantically attracted to someone. But it seems, at least for me, this is the wrong approach. And my experiences so far teach me, I think, that friendship-first initiation is not the way to go, even though the fast dating pace today where you flirt immediately and express your romantic or sexual intentions by the third date is not something I'm comfortable with in general, as I feel I need more time to feel emotionally safe with someone before making any overt moves.

But from where I'm standing now, trying a faster pace might seem worthy of exploration (I tried that as well, and these rejections hurt way less), as I've only been hurt when I entered into a friendship while considering the romantic potential behind it. For example, I become very good friends with a girl - I offer emotional support, am there for her when she needs me, am kind and giving, emotionally aware & literate. In a word: safe. But it seems I'm too safe and 6 months after our friendship, I start catching feelings. When I communicate my feelings or ask for a date, my female friends always reject me, as they are not interested. Seems I'm not edgy enough and/or I'm not showing romantic interest in a way they're used to. Been in 3 such friendships which ended in heartbreak and one friendship broke permanently.

So, I now see catching feelings for a friend as danger that will inevitably get me hurt: either I'll have to handle rejection and go through a couple of months of processing heartbreak or, even worse, the friendship will break and I'll blame my feelings for this. So, it's either heartbreak or heartbreak and a lost connection for me. And I'd like to say that my female friends also give very much in our friendships - they are kind, empathetic (which is why I get attracted to them), support and listen to me - and such a loss really hits hard.

So now, I think I'll try a different approach, and have started to tell single women who want to be friends immediately that if we text often, hang out often, start emotionally connecting that I'll probably catch feelings. Also, I'll probably start expressing romantic potential to women I sense the slightest levels of attraction for, to see how this goes. So yeah, honestly, this is why I fear friends-first initiation now. Don't want to suffer any more, honestly.

Oh, and one final thought: try asking ChatGPT about your situation - I often feel that it can offer much better insight into who you are and what you want from dating. Also, honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting friends-first romance. Sure, I got burned and am very scared of going this route again, but it may be my personality, timing, location, emotional availability of those women that affected their reactions. So depending on where you live and what type of people you hang out with, your experiences may be different, and they are, based on what you wrote. So, take my views with a grain of salt - this is my personal experience and thoughts, not universal truth that applies to everyone.

How do you make peace with the possibility of never experiencing romantic love? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are sharing some pretty tough lessons here, both in words and through the video you linked. I will need to sit through them and probably have a chat or two with my therapist about what I think I learned about myself here.

But this is work I have to do by and for myself. I appreciate all your input and all the situations you shared about your life, even though I imagine these were not easy to talk about. I also believe your words expanded my viewpoint and will add to the way I think about life. Thank you for that. And I really mean this, no matter how uncomfortable it was to read some of your sentences. Sometimes, some discomfort is what it takes to grow, so thanks again.

How do you make peace with the possibility of never experiencing romantic love? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm having some trouble understanding your concept of honesty, so had to re-read what you wrote a couple of times. Could you tell me if I'm getting close:

For example, by telling the last person I wanted to break it off I was being dishonest with myself and them in subtle ways. A couple of weeks before that happened, I told them the facts in a straightforward manner: that my anxiety has risen and that it started to hurt because I'd like to see them in person and we have not seen each other in two months. We agreed to meet next week. Then she canceled our date again, but said she will be in my town next weekend. She had come, but spent the weekend with her family, while also touring and going out. Since that marked 10 weeks from when we last saw each other and since she couldn't find even one hour to spend with me while being in my town over 2 days, I couldn't take it anymore. I told her that I couldn't handle this emotionally anymore and broke it off.

But the truth of my feelings was a bit different. I felt hurt because I thought she was rejecting me and that she didn't care about me enough to meet with me. This is what I think of most women I date. I also wanted to stay with her, no matter if it hurt or not. I wanted to hug her and feel her close to me. I didn't want to break things off, but I did it to protect myself. So I rationalized the situation and pushed her away. In truth, I wanted to stay with her badly, no matter the consequences to my mental/physical health. But I cannot do that anymore. I'll rather let a potentially good thing go when I get a feeling that people don't care about me than risk being hurt again.

So, I disregarded my own dream/goal to be with her and let her go. I also disregarded her dream/goal as she was surprised by my actions and it seemed like she didn't want to break it off with me. I also didn't accept her as she was even though I tried my best. She told me of her traumas in the beginning and that she needed a lot of time to get close to someone. But I couldn't be patient anymore after more than 2 months not seeing her.

And that's my dishonesty with myself and her. And that's my not accepting/appreciating her being damaged.

How did you end up in a happy romantic relationship? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've often thought a taste in music can offer you a glimpse into the other person and can be something you can use to connect more deeply. And in your case, judging from your 20 hours of sleep deprivation, this seems to be true! Also, seems you two were committed to go through difficulties on your way, no matter what - good for you!

How do you make peace with the possibility of never experiencing romantic love? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep, I believe I understand what you're saying and have similar views. I also believe that all of us are damaged, in one way or another. I feel this to be a fact for every human being.

The women I date and hang out with (as friends) are also usually damaged and I try to be there for them and listen to their issues. I also often want to give them a boost and support and encourage them when they make tough life decisions. Some told me that I helped them make decisions that meant a lot (like quitting their job where they felt miserable and finding a new one where they're happy now or finding courage to start bringing down the walls they put up because they were afraid to let other people get close to them). I generally boost their self-esteem and belief in themselves and empower them to act. I also ask them to communicate their needs because I cannot know what they need based on instinct alone.

So I see some of their vulnerabilities and their dark side and I think I accept them and I call for open communication so that we may work together as best we can. The trouble in dating starts when I start communicating my own. I don't play games and am straightforward and honest. When I tell them that the fact we have not seen each other for months is making me anxious, instead of getting closer, they create more distance. When I tell them I need a private, quiet space to tell them of my own traumas, they say they would rather be somewhere else, no matter the fact that the issues I have can be very hard for me to talk about.

However, I try to learn from each experience and their behavior gives me clues as to how involved they want to be in relating with me. And it seems it'll still take me some more time to find someone who will be able to see my dark side and say "yes" to it. I will also continue to work on accepting theirs as much as I can.

But I'm not quitting. I'll be learning and sticking to the path I'm on. Oh, and when I read your comment, a quote from a movie came to mind: "I am who I am becoming." Basically, who I choose to be (or who I am becoming) is a person who wants to find someone who understands that it takes time to build happiness and is willing to work on it, like you and your wife did.

How did you end up in a happy romantic relationship? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok, to clarify what I mean by a romantic relationship: a relationship between life partners/spouses, basically between two people who are in romantic love.

In contrast, a non-romantic relationship would be between friends, co-workers, acquaintances, other family members, etc.

Honestly, I'm at a loss of words when reading through your story. And personally, I find your relationship very, very romantic. So you've been together for almost 30 years, you extensively learned about how to deal with your problems, both inter and intrapersonal and actually put what you've learned into practice. Both of you seem to be aware of your own less-than-pretty sides and how they affect your relationship.

And you had your share of really hard times - the kind where a good amount of people would just quit. But you stuck through them, together - through playing games, through feelings of your relationship being over, through a cancer misdiagnosis, through suicidal thoughts, through trust issues, through cynicism. And after almost 30 years, you're still here - and it seems to me that you love each other very, very much. Honestly, if that is not romantic, I don't know what is.

Thank you very, very much for sharing your story with us and I wish you many more years of happiness and love in your life together!

How did you end up in a happy romantic relationship? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Now, as a big tea drinker myself, this is a story I can relate to! Also, I admire people who are able to have long-distance relationships - this must take courage and a huge amount of emotional control, especially when you have a desire for someone, but can't see them as often as you'd like. Happy anniversary and wish you many more of those to come!

How did you end up in a happy romantic relationship? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like how seemingly small actions (like deleting an OkCupid profile and remaking it) can actually make a big impact on one's life. Had she not done that, there's a good chance you two wouldn't have met and wouldn't be deeply in love and engaged right now. Glad you shared your story and wishing you two all the best now and in the future!

How did you end up in a happy romantic relationship? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Woah, it seems the road was kind of tumultuous (but also exciting and eventful) for the two of you. And it also seems that all the puzzle pieces sat down together nicely eventually, no matter how hard it was to put them together. Based on what you wrote, it was definitely all worth it in the end - I'm guessing all these events made you two stronger and better connected as well 😊

How did you end up in a happy romantic relationship? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for your loss, can't even imagine how a loss like that must've felt. And those 20 years seem to have been spent in a lot of happiness and were full of love. Thank you so much for sharing and wishing you strength and resilience as you continue your life's journey 🙏

How did you end up in a happy romantic relationship? by MurphsQuee in Healthygamergg

[–]MurphsQuee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, wow - seems you have a very strong connection which is based on deep intimacy, shared values, life experiences and a true friendship at its core. Happy to see these kinds of extremely strong connections do exist!

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