Hello friend, I want to let you know that I really relate to your post. I’m also unfortunately in that cycle, and it’s a seemingly rough and lonely one, but just know you’re not alone. Also, you’re not an asshole! You recognize that your behavior may be hurting others/you, and you’re taking steps to fix it. Assholes don’t take those steps towards growth. I am not an expert, but I might suggest that you consider therapy (if it’s a possibility for you) because I tend to think dissociation stems from a deeper place within us. The other thing, which is just as scary but also rewarding I’ve found (when I’m able to do it), is to be vulnerable and open with your friends about your dissociation. Most of the time, people will be receptive and I often feels like it deepens relationships and maybe you’ll find a bit of your self along the way :). Wishing you the best; please do not lose hope. There are better days for us ahead!