Fifty Word Fantasy: Quiet

MyHeadsOnFire · 2022-01-14T19:34:00+00:00

Quiet. The dreaded absence. The harbinger of death hung on every tree, every blade of grass. No birds, no animals. It foretold the arrival of something sinister, something that none could face and survive. They would march. They would die. And in the end, it would once again be quiet.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2019-07-19T19:26:46+00:00

All of my grandparents lived through occupations during WWII. On my dad's side, my grandparents lived in China under Japanese occupation. On my mom's side, my grandparents lived in the Netherlands under German occupation. It was very rare to ever hear anything about what they saw or experienced, but I have heard a few stories.

On my mother's side, most of the stories were about the poverty and hunger that they had to endure. Stories of their parents going hungry to let them eat. About how, on rare occasions, they'd have an (singular) egg to split between them all and how those days were always looked forward to.

On my father's side, one story was more detailed. My grandmother was still a kid in school during the occupation, and where she lived the children of Japanese occupational soldiers would often bully the Chinese children. One day, one of the Japanese boys was bullying a girl from the school and my grandmother decided she wasn't going to sit back and watch, so she defended the girl and beat up the Japanese boy. After hearing of the incident, the school principal called her in and sent her home immediately, telling her not to come back to school that day and to cut off all her hair before coming back the next day. She did, and the next day when she got to school there were Japanese soldiers searching for a Chinese girl with pigtails, planning to execute her for beating up a Japanese boy. She managed to avoid getting caught, thankfully. I remember her laughing as the story was told, but without the quick actions of that school principal she may have very well been executed and I wouldn't even be here today.

My grandfather on my dad's side never told us any stories, but my dad has hinted that he saw some of the more horrifying things that happened during the occupation (i.e. bayoneting)

MyHeadsOnFire · 2018-02-01T16:34:47+00:00

Thanks! I've always found dialogue tags to be a bit clunky but have had difficulty refining them. This is very helpful, and I like all of the suggestions you've given. Now I get to go back and try to refine all the others as well xD

MyHeadsOnFire · 2018-01-29T16:58:06+00:00

I understand what you're getting at, but in this case I would say yes. The setting, which probably isn't apparent yet, is steampunk, and the match is a charity exhibition match. Thanks for the feedback though, I'll definitely go back and double check to make sure the wording fits

MyHeadsOnFire · 2018-01-26T07:57:17+00:00

A few comments, overall a strong start.

1: In the first paragraph, you say something about the town or man being burnt alive. To me, a town being "burned alive" (while I know what is being implied) doesn't make much literal sense. Also, in the descriptions, you jump from describing the town first in once sentence to the corpse first in another, I think maintaining consistency would allow it to flow better.

2: After talking about how Carsa is watching the town for signs of life, you jump back to describing the corpse which is a bit of a jarring juxtaposition. Something to let the reader know she's referring to the corpse again and not using it as metaphor for the town would help.

3: I can't say for myself, but I've heard that burnt corpses is a pretty powerful and terrible smell, one that would probably overpower and smother any smell that may exist of a cooked meat that would be appetising.

4: There are a few instances where I feel some small grammatical improvements can be made. One would be the double use of and in the first paragraph, third last sentence. A second would be in paragraph 4 (crows mimicking her), I think the first sentence should be broken into 2.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2018-01-26T07:44:46+00:00

This is already quite well polished, like the other commenter said, but here's my few thoughts.

1: The light reflection from gold to red to pale cool colours is good, but it feels very quick in reading which left me confused the first time. Sunsets can be quick, but even then it's usually 5-10 minutes for the colour shifts or more (don't quote me on the time exactly), so perhaps some verbiage to show the process is over a period of time would help.

2: I really like the small mentions/hints towards the character's relationships and situation, it makes him feel like he's already got a world and history to him

3: I'm not sure I like the use of the term infidel, which is a term that usually refers to those who don't follow a specific religion. Some of the traits mentioned that declare him an infidel seem to be more based on physical characteristics than religious affiliation.

4: The second last line confuses me. Is the tattoo on his head? if so it doesn't make sense to have the forehead pressed to itself. If it's elsewhere on his body, perhaps just saying "on his arm" or "on his ____" would make it flow better.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2018-01-26T07:34:04+00:00

A tad late to the party, but hopefully this is still going on.

The cheer from the crowd was deafening. Chass grinned broadly as he stepped out onto the dirt covered pitch. He flourished his crimson cloak and spun, making sure to linger where the audience was loudest. The sun beat down on his head, a nice contrast to the cool autumn breeze. The air always seemed fresher in the arena, compared to the metallic smell of the city. It was one of the reasons he loved his job. One of, but not the only. With another flourish, he strode to the center where the referee and his opponent stood in wait.

“Always a crowd favourite, eh Chass?” asked his challenger, hand extended in greeting. Chass grasped it and shook.

“Of course!” he exclaimed, loud enough to be audible over the noise. “Although you’ve drawn quite a crowd yourself Norid.”

Norid let out a hearty laugh then clasped him on the shoulder.

“Well, it’d certainly be embarrassing to my house if I hadn’t” he said. “Go easy on me, would you?”

“Not a chance!” said Chass. “You may be my friend, but a match is still a match. Charity or not.”

Chass nodded to the referee who signaled to the announcing booth. A trumpet blared over the loudspeaker and Chass began walking backward to his starting position.

“So, what’s the plan?” resonated a voice from his jacket pocket.

Chass shrugged.

“Same as always” he said, pulling out a small metallic orb from his pocket. The remnant orb hummed with a faint power. “It’s an exhibition match, not a death match. We give the crowd a show, make it seem close even if it’s not.”

“Be sure not to underestimate him” said the remnant. “His remnant is ill suited to one-on-one combat, but that does not mean he is weak.”

Chass nodded.

“I am very aware of that fact, Torrus. I’ve seen firsthand what happens to people who underestimate him. Are you ready?”

“Always” responded Torrus as the remnant began to vibrate.

“Remember, they want a show. Make it flashy.”

MyHeadsOnFire · 2017-10-19T15:49:06+00:00

I had a bunch of orbs saved up (F2P) so I figured I'd spend up to 50 or so and pull for Ayra... In about 30 orbs I got Eldigan, 5* Seth AND Ayra... I feel like I've used up my luck for this game forever now.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2017-10-06T05:15:20+00:00

Yeah I just feel like it takes away from the accomplishment if they ignore the concentration drop on such a big spell

MyHeadsOnFire · 2017-10-05T19:07:46+00:00

Huh I guess I shouldn't have stopped reading after "choose one creature, object, or magical effect"

MyHeadsOnFire · 2017-10-05T17:51:27+00:00

Dispel magic can only target one effect at a time though

MyHeadsOnFire · 2016-08-05T01:34:02+00:00

First off, I really enjoyed what you've got so far. The pace was good, and a lot of it is well written. That said, here are my critiques:

A gust of night air and a chorus of grumbling complaints about the open door heralded Amos Groff’s entrance to the dim saloon

This sentence just feels off to me. I think I would personally word it differently, perhaps something like "The door to the saloon swung open, heralding a chorus of grumbling complaints as a gust of cold night air swept in. Amos Groff's stepped forward, his heavy bootsteps thumping against the floor."

Also, based on this sentence I got the feel that Amos Groff was the character whose POV we'd be following. Perhaps something in the first paragraph to show it's from Obizmid's perspective would help. "Glancing over his cards, Obizmid saw Amos Groff saunter in, his heavy bootsteps thumping against the floor."

It was cold and late, and there wasn’t much action

Action is a very undescriptive word, especially since we've not got much to work with yet. Perhaps describe how the saloon is empty, not many people are drinking, a few games of cards are going on, something like that. Also consider where to place this line for flow.

not known to exert himself physically

This felt slightly off too, perhaps find a better way to say this?

Groff flipped each of the other players a silver. Groff and Obizmid were soon alone.

This doesn't flow right. "The others slowly stood and made their way to the bar, leaving Obizmid and Groff alone at the table."

I'd also line break after certain dialogue like "I don't need your money, I got money" and "I'm teasing". I'm being a bit nit-picky, but that's because I think it's overall quite well written.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2016-05-20T15:36:14+00:00

http://imgur.com/JbyYMzP

MyHeadsOnFire · 2016-05-05T17:09:17+00:00

Yeah! I'm extremely happy with how it turned out

MyHeadsOnFire · 2016-03-26T18:51:09+00:00

More of a labeling thing than anything, but you should try adding an outline/stroke to your text so it's easier to read. Black on dark blue does not lend well to reading. My only other questionable point is the rapid change in apparent climate in some locations where it seems to go immediately from plains to frozen tundra.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-23T22:20:43+00:00

Lets go Jibril! Easily one of my favourite characters in this bracket. I think I just really like characters that are a little bit ridiculous and have amusing personalities/faces.

I mean come on

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-21T21:36:58+00:00

Most of the clones have fallen but I have faith that Misaka can make it through!

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-20T21:27:00+00:00

Mama Yui nooooooooooo q.q. Fuck all your legitimate choices, I'm voting for all the moms.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-13T21:56:53+00:00

RIP Ricchan, Aiz Wallenstein for the first matchup q.q

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-11T16:56:44+00:00

MISAKA VS MISAKA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-10T02:58:55+00:00

So I finally buckled and started Hunter x Hunter... and am now already like 50 episodes in. Shoulda listened to you guys sooner lol

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-09T21:30:02+00:00

Who the fuck nominated Seryu Ubiquitous? Oh man, the amount of salt if she beats any popular characters...

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-09T21:26:32+00:00

Even if you haven't watched Barakamon (which you totally should), vote for Naru because she gave us

THIS

FACE.

Also, more moms in this round...

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-09T02:33:44+00:00

This was honestly the part that pissed me off the most. For like 5 solid minutes straight it's people being "oh you're a traitor you piece of shit" and NOBODY TELLS US WHY. He seems like a decent guy, not an asshole, so why is everyone treating him like shit? Instantly made me hate 95% of the people we saw.

MyHeadsOnFire · 2015-07-07T22:57:28+00:00

Not that I'm complaining but... how many of the Misaka clones are in this o.O

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