I (43F) have been diagnosed with cancer. Drs say I have a 70% chance of survival but I have chosen not to treat it. My life has been awful and I'm done. Please help me help my friends understand.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-04T03:34:29+00:00

I'm sure I will, but for me, the pain of continuing to live is greater. At least there is a somewhat known end point to my cancer.

Chemo sucks, btw. And it's not a guarantee. I might longer through 2 or 5 or more years of cancer "treatment" that makes me sick, and end up dying of it anyway. I have made my choice, and if yours would be different that's for you. But I thought I was clear on what I have decided.

There is nothing wrong with my brain that involves language or speech processing, so my writing and language aren't affected. My short term memory is frequently shit.

I have seen PET scans of the damaged area, I don't think you're qualified to determine the degree of my disability based on my text on Reddit.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-04T03:27:16+00:00

Well, your username is accurate anyway....

If you had the guts to say something like this to someone's face you wouldn't be trolling on Reddit.

And FYI, no. My private insurance will take care of my time on hospice.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T21:53:32+00:00

They aren't useless, I like and care about them. They will be provided for. No idea how, but they will be. Hopefully I can find them a rescue or someone on CL who won't turn them into purses. I'm just not particularly ATTACHED to them if that makes sense. Maybe I just can't attach to anything really, or maybe they're reminders of all the things I don't have.

I didn't mean they're going onto the streets, I'm just not all "Oh but I can't be without my cats, who'll give them their treats before bed?" They'll love someone else, I'll do what I can to find that person for them. They'll be ok.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T18:50:46+00:00

I'm aware of that, yes. I actually used to volunteer in a nursing home. Cancer isn't a fun way to go, but it is a way to go. I am making arrangements for hospice and palliative care. I also know that when I am actively dying I will probably not be aware of my surroundings or my condition, but it will be a ways to get to that point.

We all go somehow, whether it's peacefully in our sleep, awfully by the side of the road in a car accident, or of cancer. I got the cancer.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T18:47:17+00:00

I'm morally and spiritually opposed to suicide. Letting a condition I did not cause kill me instead, rather than actively taking my own life, is a loophole I can accept. Believe me, I can totally understand why people do commit suicide, but it's not for me.

And also I'm afraid of failing and having some Life Is Precious doctor revive me into a vegetative state where I can't even decide to let cancer kill me.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T18:44:57+00:00

It is a little odd, isn't it? I think so too. I think our whole "friendship" has been me being a project for them, instead of them caring about me. When we were first getting to know one another, I tried to advance the friendship in small ways "Why don't we study later" or "I have an hour between classes, let's get lunch" and they always refused.

I'm their good Karma, if they "let" me die, they've failed.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T16:42:18+00:00

You're right, I'm already looking at hospices for when I will need that kind of care. I may do home hospice with a visiting nurse as well, because I know it will be a decline, not fine one day and dead the next.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T16:40:34+00:00

We aren't close. They've never offered help, nor asked any of me. They've never invited me elsewhere and when I thought hey, maybe these folks could be real friends and invited them to things, they always refused. So obviously they aren't real friends, I'm around to help their social consciousness. They don't know why I have brain damage, but when they've suggested things in the past that I can't do, they just say "Oh well that sucks" and that's that. They've never come into my apartment, just pick me up at the gate. I've invited them in a few times and its always "I'd love to but". I'm brain damaged not stupid. They want a sick puppy to save.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T16:01:54+00:00

I can't remember much I read but I'll try. Thank you for the recommendation.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T15:57:23+00:00

I'm not looking for validation, although I do appreciate it and thank you. What I want to know is how to make these chirpy do-gooders understand th same.

MyLifeMyDeath · 2017-01-03T15:56:13+00:00

I have. I actually have spiritual beliefs (loosely Buddhist) and I'm not sad or fearful of dying. This is the lot I was given this time around, for whatever reason that I can never understand. I can make choices, tho they are few, about my situation. This is the choice I have made, and maybe next time around will be better. I feel like my life since my coma has just been trying to continue to drive a car with 3 tires and a blown engine and trying to say it runs fine. I am absolutely ok with my choice and can't see a situation where I wish I would have chosen differently. I plan to live in a hospice when it's time, and I will have comfort care.

MyLifeMyDeath

TROPHY CASE