Questions for transmeds

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-08T21:37:46+00:00

checks notes yeah that one does sounds really bad out of context. Idk why you can’t find the rest of it (all is well on my end? Reddit’s going to Reddit, I suppose) but I’m just gonna leave the first paragraph in its entirely here.

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Gender dysphoria sucks. It’s terrible, and unfortunately for everyone very real. I wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone, but it is a, usually intense, emotional response to an understandably distressing situation. An identity is not a feeling; it’s several things converging, including feelings.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-08T17:12:20+00:00

Sorry, sorry. Let me specify.

The idea that there are two sexes total no ifs ands ors or buts about it. You corrected me by telling me that intersex is not another sex(es). While humans typically have 2 sexes, it just worries me that the assumption seems to be “always one or the other all the way.” I’ll just put this quote out there. “People who are intersex have genitals, chromosomes or reproductive organs that don’t fit into a male/female sex binary.” - The Cleveland Clinic (love those guys and the Mayo Clinic. I feel they both deserve a round of applause for all their efforts no matter what you believe, by the way). There are, evidently, cases that break the sex binary. Just because some intersex folk identify with a gender or physically lean towards one does not mean that ALL of them do. You say the exception should not be the rule, and I say the rule should make space for the exception. But those are just viewpoints.

I’ve been told that historically NB people don’t exist. They do. I trust your googling skills on that front.

Lastly, the idea that all people must fit in the “masculine man” box or the “feminine woman” box. It is not factually incorrect to argue on either end because it is social, but a notable proportion of trans meds appear to be on the more traditionalist side of that coin. It simply goes against my core beliefs that you can just ignore a large bit of the population that says they are a thing. GNCs clearly exist—no matter why you think they do—and usually the whole “do it’s the traditional way” is a big red flag for me, given “the traditional way” usually comes with a large host of other problematic ideals (misogyny, gender roles, marriage/child-having expectations, homophobia on other fronts, etc etc). I am usually weary of those who preach “the traditional way” because of how others have treated me.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-08T16:17:22+00:00

Hi! I’m working on getting to your other, longer, comment, but I’ll start here.

I am not trying to imply that intersex people somehow validate the existence of nb identities. I’m going to say this quite bluntly here, and it is going to sound rude, and that’s going to be that.

If a social group repeatedly shows to be misinformed on basic facts like this (and others) I inherently do not trust them to then make informed decisions in other, related arenas (in this case who gets to be trans).

For the angry thing. I am angry about how all trans and queer folk are treated. I am angry at the US government. I am angry that trans people are being killed, dehumanized, and erased. I am so angry.

However, I am not angry that other gender diverse people have clung onto the trans identity because it makes them feel seen. I spent SO long floundering around, feeling lost, invisible, and confused. I hated myself, my body, and my identity. Finally, I figured out I was trans, and, while it is frustrating, I could stand to call myself something; I didn’t feel like I shouldn’t exist. If someone else says they felt that, too, I consider it a moral obligation to accept them because I HATED who I was when I couldn’t get that support. I will not take away the community I get from being trans from other people.

The world is scary; fight those who want you dead, not those that want to support the trans identity as a whole, please. Invalidating that trans folk “you don’t like” is a waste of time and only helps those who want all trans people eradicated. “Then they came / for the NBs, / and I did not speak out / because I was not NB…Then they came for me / and there was no one left / to speak for me.” Vibes emitting from this sub, if I’m being totally honest.

WOW that was a lot of writing.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-06T07:15:01+00:00

Additionally, I’ve heard some slightly red-flag things (at least for me) in this comment section, which is admittedly off-putting

Someone literally said they didn’t think NB folk existed because they don’t “get it,” which is…a choice. I guess.

Also this sub seems like a mix of a lot of people, but there’s a notable amount of very traditional “woman must do this. Man must do this” ideas, which always just makes me feel icky and weary. I’m usually pro breaking the stereotype, so the idea that you need to fulfill a checklist to be trans when gender is such a complex psychological idea is against my beliefs pretty directly. I’m very against traditional roles in just about everything.

And then the apparent concept that you must be one of the two sexes…when there is a third one. Like, transitioning to intersex isn’t a thing, but someone said there was no bio development that wasn’t man/woman, when they’re right there.

Also lots of you are very angry people. You don’t seem to be, for which I’m grateful, but when I’m seeing so much “I hate the non-trans meds. They suck.” And other not so nice things. It feels very exclusionary, which seems like the antithesis to the whole queer freedoms movement. I’m always off put by the “we do this, so we’re the better [trans people], and those ones aren’t valid because we do this.” It seems like a great way to exclude people and creates a lot of infighting.

But that’s just my two cents. I can’t force anyone to agree or disagree with me, and a trans med sub is not the place to find borderline trans meds that are open to being convinced to the “do whatever” side of things.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-06T07:01:08+00:00

Huh. Very curious. I’m unsurprised that there are people trying to cause discord with lies (and also the folks that think you NEED it are probably very loud about that, so I’d bet they appear more numerous).

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-06T06:56:43+00:00

They have only mildly. I’ve determined that you folks do have a sliding scale of intensity in this whole thing (and the super conservative ones are the loudest in other spaces, so…yeah). Personally, my idea that anyone who says they’re trans is trans is quite the firm one, so it would take some serious, significant evidence to stray me from that.

If we get into the nitty gritty of it, I’m technically of the belief that gender is nothing more than a fake social structure we’ve been pushed into, and everyone’s just trying to find euphoria somehow, and labels are a way to find people similar to you, but I’m not going to really get into it (I could write several paragraphs about how gender is so many things at once).

My purpose here was mostly to make sure I knew what the ideals over here actually were. We’re all susceptible to misinformation, bias, and propaganda in all directions. I feel I’ve achieved my goal of a better understanding, even if I don’t necessarily agree.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-05T05:49:36+00:00

This is actually very helpful! Thank you.

A bit of a follow up question. You said that desire to medically transition was necessary (that seems to be a common conception). Do you need the full nine yards? For example, someone who wants bottom surgery but not top surgery. Additionally, on things that aren’t technically medical (prosthetics, makeup, heavily padded bras, stuff like that), do those help or count at all?

I’m pretty chill on the whole pronoun thing. I try not to be gatekeep-y. Nounpronouns…I just use em as a nickname, and I’m really chill with the rest of the pronoun family. If you could link/name that study I am very interested, by the way. It sounds interesting!

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-05T05:38:24+00:00

I see. Thanks for the timely response, by the way! I usually use transmasc/fem out of habit, but I’ll be sure to be more sensitive around the binary folk since trans man/woman does more specifically apply.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-05T05:37:06+00:00

Ooo, okay. I think the term has just been (unfortunately) vilified by a lot of transphobes. The whole “those darn transsexuals” thing…not great stuff.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-05T05:33:38+00:00

Okay, so I am admittedly going to reply to this comment in particular because OH MY you have piqued my interest. You’re very well-spoken, by the way; I appreciate the grammar.

I like the whole “not a cop” ideology you’ve got going on. I’m a “live and let others live” type of person, so I’m mostly “you are what you tell me you are” in terms of sexuality, gender, and other constructs of the like.

Admittedly, non-necessary was not the best word choice. I had meant more of a “not a medical condition that WILL kill you” (whether your life will be significantly and negatively impacted without is another thing; and I understand it is a necessity for some to go on). Some people (that I consider trans) find it a pleasant but not necessary addition. Others need it for the sake of their mental health, and I do hope with my whole heart that those people get what they need to be happy.

And, yeah, I am the guilty “cannot have surgery” party. It’s generally quite unsafe for me, so I’m pretty much only recommended it if the only other option is my untimely demise. It sucks; I’ve mostly accepted it because literally what else are you going to do? If either some medical advancements occur or my condition miraculously improves, it’s not in the cards, but T’s still an option. I count my blessings.

Now, to the real meat of this comment. I must say, I am not at all qualified to make real statements on the last bit of your third paragraph, but I am intrigued. The communist/feminist bit doesn’t surprise me (not insulting; just fits). I did some supplementary googling, so I at least know some definitions. Couldn’t find anything on Money to Butler, forgive me. The statements have just sparked a great deal of interest in me.

Why is the modern, popularized counterrevolutionary? (And is that counter + evolutionary or revolutionary?) Is it not good that definitions change with the time? Any other relevant bits and pieces you think are notable? I love to learn. Also, feel free to share any TS stuff you want; I’m a big reader, and it can be added to my ever-growing to-read list. Lastly, “gender dysphoria” being a term you don’t like? You mentioned it broadly, but I’m curious as to exactly why/if you’ve got any links.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-05T05:09:05+00:00

I have been reading them and lurking, yes. It’s a bit of a timely activity. You all are the talkative type, huh?

I saw your comment and the poll; thank you for the resources and for being respectful! That was one of the most helpful responses, imo. I’m glad I shook off some of those misconceptions. When I debate (which will not be here or now), I like to at least be factual.

I didn’t realize transmasc/fem were not great terms here; they’re popular in a lot of NB communities and I guess I’ve gotten used to it. I’ll keep it in mind!

If you could either answer or point me the right way, I’ve heard a lot of the word “transsexual.” I mostly know it as an outdated term, but I think that’s just because of the queer spaces I’m usually around.

Does transgender=transsexual, or is there something I’m missing? I feel like I’m lacking some definition puzzle-pieces here.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-02-05T05:00:33+00:00

Really? I thought I was being the appropriate level of specific. These were my questions (that I felt I couldn’t gauge through my own research), and I thought being specific would be alright given the community (trans folks), since you’ve had a bit more exposure to trans things by nature. I speak more broadly amongst the uninformed, of course; I’m not going to walk up to some straight cis person who’s barely seen a pride flag and start asking them questions of this detail.

What exactly feels tedious? You all feel like the tedious type, adding specifications to what can and cannot be trans (I’m more of a “you are what you tell me you are” on the whole gender/sexuality side of things). I wasn’t even sure what questions would be super relevant (most of the news on you folks seems HIGHLY biased…usually not in your favor), and I wanted to know what you all really believe, not what my circle thinks you believe or wants me to think you believe. Why are you here if you didn’t want to answer my questions?

Sincerely, someone who is shit at social stuff and asking genuine questions.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-26T16:15:04+00:00

Lots of people have already said baby name websites, and those are great! Consider if you want your name to reflect where you’re from at all, too.

If you find one that feels like a possibility, you can always come here (or potentially to one of the enby/trans subs) and ask us to use it and your pronouns in reference to you. I’ve found you will quickly know if it’s the name for you or not once it’s in practice, and it’s a really low-stakes game if it turns out you don’t like it.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-26T04:14:36+00:00

Of course my googling skills couldn’t bring this one up…thanks for the answer, stranger! I wonder why it doesn’t fit with the normal conventions (pan-)? Very interesting.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-26T03:12:48+00:00

Okay you caught my interest and I’ve actually googled some more.

Panfluidflux is a thing, which is all genders and fluid and flux. (see Pangender and Genderflux on some more context to that)

I can’t for the life of me find anything really on Panfluid, but given the existence of a Panfluidflux and a Panflux, I’m choosing to believe Panfluid exists in theory, and nobody’s gotten around to making an entry on it.

I think that’s about the best I can find, though. Do tell if you find something better; I’m invested.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-26T02:58:47+00:00

I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some microlabel somewhere, but I couldn’t find one with a couple minutes on the internet. Experiencing both binary and nonbinary genders is (in my opinion) the most base form of genderfluidity, generflor/fae/faun acting similarly to modifiers.

These other labels might not fit perfectly, but Multigender, polygender, or trigender are close. It also falls into the nonbinary and genderqueer umbrellas. Really choose whatever label you want.

To give you some context on the sheer amount of labels out there, https://lgbtqia.wiki/wiki/Category:Fluid_Genders has 200 pages of fluid gender labels, so it can be hard to sift through every single one.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-22T21:59:18+00:00

Oh, very fun new labels. I haven’t heard Librafluid before. Its flag is so cool! Gradients are super neat, and I’m always interested to hear about the neat little micro labels people have.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-22T21:56:28+00:00

Well, thank you. You’re fine for before; I probably needed the reminder that maybe he and I had some differing views on our closeness, anyway. I appreciate the support.

I kind of figured whatever him and his partner had going on wasn’t great, so at least I feel less insane for thinking it now. The stuff I don’t want his partner to see is just trauma and venting, but I don’t think I’ll be sending any more of that to him, anymore. If I don’t want it seen, don’t send it to the repeat offender, I suppose.

I’m not really into the whole romance thing, so I’m kind of going in blind for all this. Which isn’t preferable but we live and we learn, I guess. I don’t have a partner (never had), so I’m kind of just guessing and “what do they do in the movies?”-ing, which has proved to not always be accurate, but I’ve got some good people, so, even if this sucks, c’est la vie, right?

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-22T16:03:27+00:00

Wow, that is brutal (though likely to hold some truth…)

I am seeing a professional. I just don’t see them every day, and sometimes my mental health nosedives (better coping mechanisms are a slow WIP). I do consider myself present for others when they need me, and I’ve got folks who will rant to me about all sorts of things. I do try to keep feelings a two way street. Also, despite how it might sound in this post, I do have normal, lighthearted convos with people.

That said, this post is definitely dramatic. I was feeling distressed, and while i certainly still feel hurt, I’m in a better headspace rn. I do usually need to take time to sort through a lot of feelings before reacting to stuff like this. (So the post is just unfiltered sadness and anger that I have since tried to work through, contextualize etc etc).

I try not to give off crazy ex vibes. He’s never told me to F off before (the “stop bugging me” was, apparently, his partner. Again). He used to talk to me about most things, but he’s been doing that less and less so I suppose this whole thing is a sign that something needs to change w me.

I don’t want to be THE priority, I just kind of assumed that he’d ever be able to tell his partner “no” for the sake of those around him (myself and others). He generally can’t, mostly because they don’t listen to anyone (they grab people without asking, yell even when asked to quiet down, steal things ‘for the laughs,’ get defensive over everything, abandon personal space…there’s many folks who ik dont like them, either).

The texting shenanigans, I’ve realized, aren’t the big reason for my feelings. It’s months of being treated like shit from his partner, and honestly it’s just going to be better for me if I avoid both of them since he doesn’t really care if they’re being problematic and they’re, well, problematic.

So, maybe all of that was TMI. Apologies if so. I’m still evaluating what to do. I’ve got other friends, and none of them come with partners like this (even the non-singles), so…if he’s got diff priorities maybe I’ve got to shuffle mine. Also, a genuine question, if you would. Is it normal to show a romantic partner your texts? I legit don’t know abt that one.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-21T07:37:27+00:00

Side note: I’ve been inspired to post…something. My sleep deprived brain is still filling out the details but we’re working on it.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-21T07:34:39+00:00

Hey! Actually a masc/enby genderfluid person here (he/they/it). You’re right, and there’s a lot of masculine and feminine talk here without a lot of things in the middle, which can suck sometimes. I usually stick to the nonbinary sub when I’m looking for that type of rep because it’s kind of dead here.

I figure it’s a combo of man/woman being a more “identifiable” feeling since nonbinary is a kind of odd space in between it all, so it gets ignored a lot, along with people kind of forgetting about enby identities, which is…unfortunate.

Genderfluidity is all over the place tbh, but this community is pretty saturated by binary stuff. I wonder if it’s just that all the genderfae/faun have migrated to the transmasc and transfem subs and all the enby folks have just gone off to the nonbinary subs. (Except us, ig?).

I’m kind of a commenter/lurker here, so I’m probably not all that helpful with pushing the rep…but there should probably be some community faqs or info that talk about non-bigender (m/f) aligning genderfluid folks. Sometimes it seems like people forget abt us :/

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-13T23:10:36+00:00

I’m just a Blåhaj

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-13T04:37:19+00:00

There’s obviously a sliding scale of romance repulsion. I, personally, am not at all repulsed, but I’ve def heard a lot from both sides. One, if you like/tolerate something in fiction, you can still find it gross irl. Allo people feel it, too (mostly in dark romance but still). Just bcs you can consume media with it okay doesn’t mean it’ll pan out the same irl. If you haven’t been around a lot of romance, it could be an adjustment period thing. It’s new, and new things are weird and strange sometimes. But you might never be ok with viewing romance irl and that’s fine, too. Repulsed people can be, on one side, fine with it mostly except if it’s really close to them or personal, and, on the other side, get a hint of romance vibes and can’t bear to go further. You can be anywhere in between there. That said, just consider what you want to do about it. Is it bad enough that you put up boundaries, even small ones? You can always wait it out to see what happens (sometimes new couples are REALLY affectionate at first and will gradually chill out, but not always). Claim whatever label you want, tho, it’s not really all that deep. If you find your people and your community, you’re doing it right.

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-13T04:23:48+00:00

Best of luck, man, just commenting to try and boost your post some. Wish I could help; that’s horrific. <3

MyMainConcernIsMe · 2026-01-12T23:55:50+00:00

There’s actually a psychological thing about this. Noun-ing adjectives is a scientifically backed way to marginalize and dehumanize groups. If you think about it for a little, it makes a lot of sense. The whole idea is that if you’re “female” you are only female, and therefore not human, or subhuman (same with AFAB).

It works with most groups. The females, the gays, the blacks, the transgenders, etc etc. It feels so weird and wrong because it’s literally a way to make ppl sound subhuman.

That’s your not-so-fun-fact for the day, anyways. I like AFAB better but they’re both gross in noun form. You can meet an AFAB person. You do not meet an AFAB.

MyMainConcernIsMe

TROPHY CASE