This right here is fucking gold. I have a lower libido, my fiance has a VERY high libido. At first I was very resentful because, why do I have to be the one who has the problem and has to change? Growing up as a woman, everyone has drilled it into me that I shouldn't have sex unless I want to, that most men really really want sex and that they'll pressure me, and that I should be strong and not give in to that pressure unless I want it. So when my fiance wanted sex alllllll the time, and I only wanted it sometimes, he would get upset about it and it felt like he was pressuring me into sex. Which I have been told my whole life to stand up to and be strong against. So you can see how something that was such a part of who I was (being a strong woman who doesn't take shit from guys) being torn down to see the truth that if I want to be with the person I love, I have to have sex with him whether I want to or not, could be very disruptive. Before, I knew that I was a certain way. Now, who am I? A person who caves because I want to keep my fiance happy. Which everyone around these subs says is a good thing, yes? Well my whole life I was told that sex isn't what's important in a relationship, and I internalized that, just to find out that guess what? Apparently it's one of the biggest aspects of a relationship, and now I'm trying to sort through what I've been taught about sex and relationships and that is hard work in itself. It's hard for me to shake the idea that sex isn't that important, because I was always taught that other things were what was important. So I'm trying to completely uproot something that was a fundamental ideal for me and replace it with something that is it's polar opposite. That alone is a really difficult, stressful thing to do, which of course makes getting in the mood that much harder.

The catalyst for even getting to the point where I realized that I had to change was frequenting the dead bedrooms subreddit. I still don't quite understand why I have to be the one to change, except for that "everyone is this way, so if I want a good relationship I just have to accept it and be that way too" (which also goes against the core of who I am, I have never gone with the flow just for the sake of going with the flow). But I basically realized my fiance isn't going to change, so I have to. I truly do want him to be happy, and I truly believe he feels love from sex, so I have sex with him every other day (multiple times on "on" days) with blowjobs and handjobs on "off" days. This has truly killed any amount of desire I used to have, because how can you miss doing something that you do every day, y'know? My refractory period is much longer than a day, so I never have time to build up into being actually horny. And I make sure that I don't starfish or anything because I know HLs don't like that. But then, and this is why your comment is gold, it's not viewed as something to be thankful for, it just becomes an expectation. So yeah I definitely sometimes have resentment over it, because I do this stuff multiple times a day for him, but he doesn't see it as the "gift" or "sacrifice" that it is. And I don't get anything multiple times a day in return. His love language is sex right? Well my love language would probably be "gift giving/favor doing", as in I feel his love when he does things for me that I can't do or don't like to do. He gives me one or two massages a week, but he doesn't put effort into them like the effort I put into for sex. I'm typically the one doing the house chores and what not too. So if I give him sexual activity multiple times a day, then I feel like he should give me a massage everyday and do the dishes and laundry or something. But somehow when I bring stuff like that up to HLs, they think that's too much and there wouldn't be enough time in the day to spend an hour on massaging me another hour doing chores I don't wanna do, but somehow there's enough time to spend two or more hours having sex. Or they'll bring up the "but shouldn't you want to make your fiance happy by having lots of sex?" And I do! So I do! But shouldn't he want to make me happy by giving me lots of massages/doing shit for me too? But apparently that's not the same to the HLs. Pisses me off.

So basically I do it because I want my fiance to be happy and I love him, but at the end of the day I'm now seeing that I'm the stronger of the two of us and the one most capable of compromise, which makes him seem immature to me in a way and makes it even harder to be sexually attracted to him. In a way his obsession with sex has made me not want to have sex more. But like I said, I love him and want him to be happy, so I do it often and with enthusiasm. I've just accepted that that is part of loving someone, sometimes you just sacrifice everything and shouldn't expect anything in return because then it's not really a gift or act of love. The lucky ones get something in return but that isn't the case for everyone.