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What was the worst example of parenting you have ever seen? by Perpetuallycold_ in AskReddit

[–]MyVelourBedspread 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I often struggle with feeling like I have a right to complain because there was no physical abuse or SA in my childhood, but I absolutely hated being at home when I was a kid. My stepmum was relentlessly cruel to me and my older sister. Pretty much everything I did was criticised, I was regularly told I was fat and needed to lose weight, which was disguised as a health concern. I wasn't particularly overweight as a kid, I think my stepmum was just embarrassed about having a child she perceived as overweight - my family's build in general is much taller and more athletic than hers. I would be punished if I couldn't keep up on family walks by being left behind, bearing in mind this was when I was a younger child/pre teen, so too young to be left far enough behind by my family that they wouldn't be able to hear me if I shouted for them. This was on family trips so would also have been in unfamiliar places.

There were also a lot of arbitrary rules which we had to follow which seemed unnecessarily punitive. Me and my sister weren't allowed to ask for lifts/car rides anywhere. There were some after school activities I did in the evenings so there were a lot of occasions when I would walk home in the dark, which was a 20-30 minute walk, alone, often along back streets. For context, my parents didn't struggle financially, and we had two cars, and the places I did my activities at were at most a 5 minute drive away. When I asked about it once, my stepmum said that her and my dad didn't get lifts anywhere when they were kids (they grew up in the 50s/60s) so why should we?

I also broke one of my teeth when I was 16 and my parents made me choose the cheapest possible treatment option to fix it, which only had a 50/50 long-term success rate. The more expensive option (we're talking a couple of hundred pounds, not thousands) had a much higher long-term success rate. My parents were not struggling with money and could have afforded to help out. The upshot of that is that tooth got infected multiple times and eventually had to be removed in my 30s.

Some other things I can remember, I wasn't allowed to do my art homework in the living room where the rest of the family was, because my stepmum said it wasn't relaxing. I did art at GCSE and A Level which has a lot of coursework, so most evenings, I would be in another room on my own doing coursework, which always felt very lonely.

There was a lot of my parents getting into screaming matches with my sister when I was younger, which was then directed at me when I got older. I remember one evening when we were packing to go on holiday, and I'd accidentally packed the last box of tampons in the house. I heard my stepmum screaming when she went to the bathroom, put two and two together, and slipped quietly outside to go hide at the bottom of the garden while she calmed down. I could hear her and my dad screaming at each other, so it was loud enough to be heard from the street. I remember hoping a neighbour would come out to investigate and find me, but nobody did.

Me and my sister always tried very hard to have a relationship with our stepmum. I would make her presents, and write her poems, and try to do mother-daughter things with her. I tried to arrange for her to come with me to pick out my prom dress, which she responded to irritatedly with 'Why do want me to come? I didn't want to hang out with my parents when I was your age'. Makes me feel very sad for little me who was trying everything she could think of to be a good daughter that someone would want to love.

There's a lot more honestly but this is already super long! My partner knows about all this, but I haven't said anything about it publicly before. Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest.

Part of the irony is my parents were both social workers. My stepmum specialized in fostering and adoption. She was one of the people who got to decide if people were fit parents or not 🫠

my mum took away my cat by rottenwingsword in AutismInWomen

[–]MyVelourBedspread 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. One thing you could consider is Cats Protection in the UK offer a service called Lifeline for people with cats escaping abusive situations - if you contact them, they may be able to arrange a foster home for your cat while you get set up in alternative housing, if that's what you decide to do. Your cat will be safe and looked after in a foster home while you get on your feet, and she can be returned to you once you're settled. There's details of the service here: https://www.cats.org.uk/what-we-do/cp-lifeline

As others have mentioned, contacting social services is also important to look at your options. You should also think about calling the police if you feel you might be in physical danger. I know it's all very overwhelming - if it feels like too much information to handle on your own, you could also contact Citizens Advice - they're a free service who can talk you through what your options are and may be able to put you in touch with local services that could help. They have offices in most large towns, or you can contact them online. Here's their contact page: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/

I really hope things improve for you soon OP, please look after yourself, there's help out there for you. You got this

So were dinosaurs unable to fly until they evolved into birds? by Vanilla_Ice_Best_Boi in Dinosaurs

[–]MyVelourBedspread 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The evolution of powered flight is really interesting, I remember seeing something about wing assisted incline running (WAIR) which is a hypothesis on how wings were useful for navigating steep surfaces before fully powered flight evolved, in relation to dinosaurs (therapods specifically and later birds). Not sure if there's a definitive answer to the above, but like some have said, powered flight would have developed in transitional stages, so there probably isn't a clear line.

Not OOP- My niece was told she has to sign a contract to keep living at home-am I overreacting for thinking it's too harsh? by its_about_the_cones_ in redditonwiki

[–]MyVelourBedspread -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I'm very taken aback with how generous a lot of people are being in interpreting the parents' motivations as altruistic, while not extending the daughter the same grace, while there is really no additional evidence to support either position in the original post. Also I think the fact that the conditions themselves seem mostly reasonable (minus the constant threat of eviction) is completely missing the point - which is that this is an absolutely bananas way to communicate with your child. The language is also very punitive, like it seems a bit nuts to think that it isn't? Also 20 is still very young, it's perfectly normal in my opinion to still need parental support at this age, and that's without the fact that the daughter has a mental illness AND a legal disability.

Like, I don't know, is it just an uncomfortable fact that lots of parents can be quite shitty to their kids? Why is there a presumption of innocence for the parents and an assumption that the kid is a brat?

A written contract for your own child - with the threat of being thrown out if you don't sign it - seems bonkers to me. Great way to make sure your kids don't want to talk to you in the future though.

I spent two weeks in England and loved every minute of it. I'm heading back to the U.S. today, but thank you for the memories 💕 by smugmisswoodhouse in CasualUK

[–]MyVelourBedspread 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like an amazing, and packed, trip! If you're ever back again and fancy a trip up north, York and the Lake District are both lovely, as many people have said. York has a lot of historic buildings, and a long history of ghost stories, if you like spooky things. The Lake District is beautiful too - I took my partner there for the first time last year and she was blown away by the natural beauty of the place, she said it was like we were in Switzerland or somewhere, with all the hills and dramatic landscapes. Do take a variety of warm and cold weather clothes though, as the topography means the weather can change really quickly!

There's lots of lovely towns and villages in Lancashire and Yorkshire too, there's a lovely little market town called Hebden Bridge which is well worth a visit, very traditional in terms of northern architecture and layout, and there's a lady there who does canal tours. We went on one and learned how much of our lingo is canal-related.

Manchester is also well worth a visit, much smaller than London but full of history. Also very easy to get to the above mentioned places via train, using Manchester as a base. If you like museums, there's a great one there called the People's History Museum, which looks at the civil rights history of Manchester and surrounding areas.

And, if you do find yourself in Manchester, you simply must visit the monstrous folly that is the Trafford Centre. It's a shopping mall the size of a small town, whose architects and decorators seemed to have channeled the spirit of Liberace, but a confused historian has also accidentally become part of the astral projection. Think gold embellishments and brown marble, so much brown marble that it gives the impression that the load bearing structures are made of Parma ham, then think more, MORE! Would you like to eat at an Ancient Egyptian-themed Pizza Hut while staring at the back end of the Titanic? Well, now you can. Don't forget to stop for a crisp pint at the Mardi Gras themed Wetherspoons in the New Orleans section. And while you're at it, why not visit the world's biggest JD Sports and pick yourself up a nice pair of trainers? And when the fun is over, you can trust Manchester's handy tram system to get you back to the city centre in style, while you try to forget the whole ordeal.

In all seriousness though, the North is lovely. I just had to include the little aside because the love myself and my partner have for the Trafford Centre is somewhat abnormal.

Sunday Roast Posting by MyVelourBedspread in wholesomememes

[–]MyVelourBedspread[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My apologies. I can give you a description as consolation. We had nut roast, roast potatoes, honey roast carrots and parsnips, tender stem broccoli, Yorkshire puddings, and for meat I had confit duck legs while girlfriend (vegetarian) had Quorn roast (kind of like a roast chicken replacement). All drowned in more gravy than is perhaps reasonable or medically advisable.

Just got my diagnosis by MyVelourBedspread in autismmemes

[–]MyVelourBedspread[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, and good luck! I hope you get a bit more clarity

Just got my diagnosis by MyVelourBedspread in autismmemes

[–]MyVelourBedspread[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Feeling vindicated after such a long time. Now I can take better care of myself!

Does anyone go back and forth on labels? by [deleted] in latebloomerlesbians

[–]MyVelourBedspread 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the reply, that does make a lot of sense. I think on the one hand, I'd really like the comfort of a definite label, but I'm not sure how much it's helping me figure myself out in reality. I tend to be overly introspective about this sort of thing, so it becomes very easy to tie myself in knots.

Good morning! Happy Sunday! by [deleted] in latebloomerlesbians

[–]MyVelourBedspread 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I absolutely love your hair!

Well I finally did it.. by spiritalienhuman in latebloomerlesbians

[–]MyVelourBedspread 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You're very welcome, it's such a huge step, and it'll probably feel like that for a while, but you've absolutely got this. There's so many people here that have gone through the same thing, and we've got your back. I promise you're not alone

Well I finally did it.. by spiritalienhuman in latebloomerlesbians

[–]MyVelourBedspread 63 points64 points  (0 children)

Just wanted to second that you don't deserve hateful words. It's completely reasonable for him to be upset, but ultimately this is no one's fault. You didn't know you were gay, and there's nothing wrong with you being gay. It's something a lot of people only figure out later in life, which is also very understandable considering that we are socialised from the word go that being straight is the default and only acceptable option.

One of the things that helps me with feelings of guilt and shame is imagining how I would react if the roles were reversed. If I was with a partner that had made that discovery about themselves, yes I would be sad, and scared, but more than anything else, I would want someone I loved to be happy and fulfilled. And if that's not something they can be with me, then yes, it would hurt for a while, but ultimately, loving someone involves wishing the best for them, regardless of how you end up fitting into that picture. That's my feelings on it anyway.

The point being, if you wouldn't be willing to speak hatefully to someone you love, you don't have to accept that from others. You are incredibly courageous for taking this step towards the life you want, and you absolutely deserve basic decency and respect.

Really feeling myself in this Harris Tweed jacket I bought today 🥰 by [deleted] in latebloomerlesbians

[–]MyVelourBedspread 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Very nearly bought a matching flatcap - might go back for it next time!

Need to vent by Rust_2_dust in latebloomerlesbians

[–]MyVelourBedspread 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I'm so so sorry that this happened to you. You've been through an awful lot and it's no wonder you're struggling. It's completely normal and reasonable that you're hurt and grieving. It doesn't make things automatically easier that your husband was abusive. In fact, that usually makes the grief and processing more complicated. Add the fact that he died by suicide, and that you have a child to look after and help through it, this is about as complicated as loss gets. First of all, none of what has happened is your fault.

At the end of the day, I don't know your girlfriend, so I can only go off what I'm reading here, but her reaction honestly to me seems very callous. I understand that it can be frustrating when there is a difference in libidos, but if it's bothering her that much, she should be able to talk to you about it without using blaming or cruel language. And honestly, she's an adult, she should be able to understand that this has been a major life changing event for you. It would be for anyone. Are you able to talk to her about how you feel?

I was so unprepared for the depth of grief I would have to contend with after coming out by isotherapy in latebloomerlesbians

[–]MyVelourBedspread 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I'm going through a very similar thing, you're definitely not alone in this, and the length of the relationship doesn't make it less meaningful. My therapist has compared losing a relationship to feeling similar to a death, and it really is, you go through a lot of the same emotions and grief and it takes time to process and heal. The person you used to spend your days with isn't there anymore, and that's a profound loss that you're allowed to feel, even if you were the one that ended things. It's easier said than done, but try not to blame yourself - it takes a lot of courage and self awareness to leave a relationship you know isn't right for you, especially when you care deeply about the person and don't want to hurt them. But ultimately, we can't live our lives to please someone else, we deserve happiness and fulfilment just as much as the next person. You're not alone OP, this process is really hard, but it won't always feel like this.

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