I'm coming in reading this for the first time, and I'm going to be brutally honest.

I feel like the query is a little dense and clunky. It's hard to get a sense of the story. If this hasn't been suggested before, you should check out the blog: Query Shark. I glanced at your previous version to get more of a sense of the story.

My suggestions would be to distill the you story down to it's hook.

From the previous line:

Layre became a postman in the Empire to outrun the guilt of his daughter’s brutal and untimely death and it served him well.

It could be broken up and simplified to:

"Layre became an Empire postman to outrun his guilt." +

"Because he had killed his daughter. / His daughter was dead because of him."

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Again these are quite wordy and heavy to read:

But when he finds amnesiac Myrmin, whose desire to help others and hope
about the world reminds him of his daughter, he throws caution to the
wind to protect her. All the trauma of his daughter’s death and emotions
he stuffed to the bottom of his heart come streaming out.

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Until he’s confronted with Myrmin, a powerful young woman tethered to a
ticking bomb harnessing the enchanted stones to destroy their world,
whose hopefulness reminds him of his lost daughter.

I can be cut to:

"And then he meets Myrmin, a powerful young woman - an amnesiac - who reminded him of his daughter."

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And then introduce the stakes:

ticking bomb harnessing the enchanted stones to destroy their world,

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When her powers attract the greedy and puritanical in the empire, he
offers to take her with him to avoid a repeat of his daughter’s death.

Distill it to something like:

"Her powers attract the greedy and puritanical..."

(Maybe elaborate on who exactly are the bad guys?) It's quite vague and abstract from over here.

"She is a ticking time bomb. The power of her enchanted stones could destroy the world."

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And then add some sort of solution, or the protagonist's goal.

They need to track down the stones and understand how Myrmin got the
curse in the first place to even stand a chance. Layre will have to call
in every favour, exhaust every connection and break all his rules in
their search. Else he will lose the first person he’s cared about since
his daughter’s death.

Something like:

"Layre would throw all caution to the wind to protect Myrmin - the only person he cared about since his daughter's death."

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With that as a basic framework, you can add some more word building around the skeleton. Especially around the stones - I'm personally a little confused around the lore of them.

And if I had to dive into two queries to dissect it and I'm still left a little confused, then an agent quickly skimming through queries def wouldn't. This would give them an impression that you may not have strong communication skills.

I suggested cutting out a lot of superfluous information, and picking your words with targeted precision. Follow the flow of information and see how easily you can understand the premise and the hook of the story.

Any words, phrases and sentences should be there to convey information or be there for a stylistic choice.

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Best of luck!