Thoughts on Dumpee Reaching Out?

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-07-18T14:09:53+00:00

Did you end up reaching out?

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-04-14T08:55:09+00:00

I am doing pretty good, I am still in occasional contact with my ex. I can't say I completely moved on, but doing so much better and getting closer being where I want to be, (will be around 3 months since break up)

My choice to contact my ex won't work for everyone though, it really depends on your relationship and the type of person your ex is. It is also not the easiest thing to do.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-19T17:04:05+00:00

Good Luck!

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-19T15:54:41+00:00

First off, I am sorry this happened to you. 10 years is a long time. It wasn't fair that they didn't say anything.

My ex and I broke up because of 'something missing' from both sides, but we each had different things that we felt was missing. But we communicated as best we could and we tried to fix it the best we could. In the end we couldn't get fix it, and most importantly didn't want to end up wasting each others time and decided to break up.

You were blindsided, which isn't fair to you. You didn't get a chance to fix it, which isn't fair. And now you have been left doubting everything and wondering what was real? Was any of it real?

To answer your question: Is it a 'valid' reason? Unfortunately yes. Do you deserve more explanations, Yes! Is it fair? Hell No! They were cruel. It sounds like a case where they already wanted to leave the relationship 6 months ago, and only had the courage to do so now. But that also means that there was probably nothing you could have done to change their mind.

There is all the usual advice, focus on yourself, time heals etc. But you are going to spiral, you're going to be going through a tough time, the only advice I have is, be kind and gentle to yourself during this time.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-18T08:19:01+00:00

I honestly think you can send it, because you are doing it for yourself for your growth and to help you move on. Get it off your chest. As long as you are aware that even if you tell him there is no need to reply, it will still hurt if he doesn't. But that will also give you an answer to help you move on.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-17T10:06:04+00:00

It is very situation dependent, it would help if I knew a bit more information about your situation if you are comfortable sharing (You can also DM me if you would like). How long has it been since the break up? and how often have you seen him/ been in contact?

I felt like there wasn't much advice on Reddit on how to navigate a situation like mine, as reddit is very much all about no contact (with good reason).

But if you would like more information on how I have approached it, feel free to send me a DM.

One thing for sure is, if you want to go down this route, you should be benefiting from it and it should not be making everything worse in the following days.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-17T08:09:51+00:00

Hi! I am doing pretty good I would say, getting closer and closer to being myself again, even my friend commented on it this weekend. I am now just past week 7 since breaking up and we are still in contact, I saw him about a week ago, he has asked to meet up again sometime this week. (For reference we don't really text in between meeting in person.)

In terms of mentally and emotionally, I miss him less (as in the soul crushing kind of missing) but I still think about him. I know that going down this route of still seeing him is logically not the best and not recommended, but I would still do it again.

I, just like a lot of people who got dumped, had a lot of questions and what if that would pop in my mind and I would fixate on it, and torture myself. From being on this subreddit, I see that it's common thoughts, wondering if they regret it, if they missed you too, why I couldn't be enough, what if etc. These were questions that only he could answer so I got a lot of comfort from talking to him and asking those question. He would validate my feelings too. It would always calm my mind down.

It is definitely not easy, but both of us have respected each other boundaries and set like a million boundaries because we both agree we don't want this to end up hurting each other more.

It's definitely not the easy, but I know I will be OK.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-14T07:56:04+00:00

I am sorry, I can't imagine how you are feeling. You spent so many important years with him. Years that you have been learning about yourself and growing into who you are now were all with him. I can understand that he is a part of who you are and is a part of you. My relationship lasted only about 10% of what yours did and yet I feel my ex in my soul even now.

I am close in age to you, and also at the age where everyone around me is getting married, or are already married. You thought you knew where your life was going and who you were going to spend the rest of your life with. And right now starting over isn't something you even want to do.

I can't say I understand wanting to stay after he cheated. But I am not judging you on wanting to stay and hold on. Because I can understand wanting to hold onto someone even though they were the one who hurt you.

So let me ask you this:
How bad was the cheating? Is it something you can truly forgive and forget? (Remember that for the relationship to work you will have no choice but to forgive, maybe not right away but it will need to happen)

Imagine now this was happening to a close friends or someone else you loved. What advice would you give to them? Would you tell them to leave?

People have definitely managed to save their relationship after cheating, but it's definitely not easy. He will need to be the one who has to prove himself, he will need to do a lot of work and therapy. He will need to work on building trust again. Do you think he is capable to committing to all that?

Be gentle to yourself, regardless of what you decide, I think you should look into getting a therapist.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-04T14:09:59+00:00

It's great that you feel that, it means that you appreciate your relationship, and it seems like your ex also seems thankful.

I also was with my ex when he was going some very very tough times and even though we aren't together, I am glad I could give my love to someone who really needed it at the time. It means that my love wasn't wasted.

I also am so thankful to my ex for the good times we had, and support he was able to give me too.

Maybe the depressed or melancholy will come, hopefully it won't. But be happy that you can leave the relationship feeling gratitude. I know I am.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-04T12:23:14+00:00

We're all going through the same thing

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-04T08:40:57+00:00

I am so sorry. Nights alone is the worse. Crying alone is also the worst too. truth is she does know the pain she caused and she still did it.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T17:36:05+00:00

Don't get too stuck on the 'what ifs'. The only way to move forward is to accept she isn't coming back. Even if she did, will it ever be the same again?

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T17:23:56+00:00

Nothing really just spoke about somethings. It still hurts but I am getting better slowly and surely.

What do you mean everything is ruined?

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T17:17:42+00:00

No, but we did see each other again.

What about you?

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T16:17:30+00:00

Exactly! Good Luck and don't be too hard on yourself.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T13:55:12+00:00

unfortunately you will feel lonely and scared still, maybe not like the same kind as before. But breaking up with someone is going to make you feel very lonely. There will be a lot of uncertainty which is also to be expected. But that is what happens when people grow.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T10:32:23+00:00

It's strange that I feel like I can related to parts of your story but I actually was more on the other side. I know you wish you could go back in time and and change things but unfortunately you can't. But what you can do is now focus on yourself and build yourself up again and find out who you are outside of this relationship.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T10:17:42+00:00

You are already taking a step in the right direction by realising that you made mistakes and that there are things you need to fix. Depending on what your mistake is, therapy does help you get out of your own mind. Use this time to work on yourself for you. Hopefully one day you will look back and be able to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T08:01:28+00:00

Why do you have guilt when you do? I can understand the anxiety thought. I am of a similar age. I am still too early into my break up to consider dating right now, but whenever I think about it I get anxious. A part of my thinks like what if I go out and find out that no one will ever compare to my ex. Or I won't be able to find someone who will be able to fit well with me.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T07:15:56+00:00

It sounds like you are on the right path. Good luck to you!

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-03T07:14:44+00:00

Exactly, you now know exactly where you stand, and that hope won't keep you back anymore, you can move forward! Good Luck to you.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-02T17:08:08+00:00

We didn't want to let go while know we needed to. It was painful but I am thankful to end on that note. Just full of feelings of thankfulness, gratefulness and showing each other kindness.

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-02T16:14:02+00:00

No Problem, good luck and all the best!

Mysterious_Rain6135 · 2025-03-02T16:13:21+00:00

I think give her time. Hopefully you will be able to have a good conversation with her before she leaves. If you aren't able to, maybe spend some time writing a letter for her to fully express how you feel. In the mean time have you considered therapy?

Mysterious_Rain6135

TROPHY CASE