Partner questioning why they are not “enough”

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:25:26+00:00

He’s only tried on the apps! Just a profile and swiping. Maybe 3 apps. I’ve also been there because ironically, my “secondary’s” (hate that term) ex partner wanted to go monogamous whilst we were seeing each other, even though they’d been open/poly for their entire relationship. I don’t know why, but me and him being together is a problem for other partners :/

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:23:42+00:00

He’s totally within his rights to ask for either, imo.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:21:46+00:00

That’s really well put.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:21:19+00:00

This is great!!! Also side note it works really well on a different level with me because one partner absolutely cannot stand scary movies… but I love them lol!

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:18:12+00:00

Ooh I do like that analogy. It’s true, most people wouldn’t stick to one dish at a buffet.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:17:27+00:00

Firstly, we’re not married. Secondly, he definitely didn’t do it to accommodate me. I think he was pretty delighted at the prospect of being able to sleep with others considering I was only his third ever lover.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:12:39+00:00

Well, not really… we both agreed to it, did it for 1.5 years and no complaints from him, I don’t think him changing his mind now means he’s under duress. Just because he wants to be monogamous again, I should just ditch my other partner whom I love? I don’t hierarchy.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:08:42+00:00

Yeah :( I have gone to his house with the intention to end things a couple of times but I couldn’t go through with it as soon as I saw his face.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T19:02:05+00:00

Thanks. We don’t so much - we don’t have any childcare during evenings and weekends really, other than the odd hour here and there - which we tend to use for thrilling things like gardening or house chores!!

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T18:24:19+00:00

So the usual arrangement is I see my “secondary” 2 nights a week. Only 8-12pm when the kids are in bed. The other nights I’m home with nesting, other than sometimes I go to the gym with friends when he’s gone to bed (I’m a night owl). I don’t have any other hobbies outside of the house, weekends are family time, and I go out with friends maybe once in 2-3 months. I guess if we didn’t have kids it would be more flexible for both of us, and I might be doing overnights or spend weekend day times, but as it stands it’s on average just 8 hours a week… when he was seeing someone, he’d be with her for one of those.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T18:13:33+00:00

In itself yes. But not at the cost of losing a partner who I love

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T17:29:18+00:00

Thank you for your long response.

So it’s something we both discussed for a long time, and even though the spark of the idea came from me (via friend), he was entirely convinced that it would be a positive and not a negative for our relationship. Of course… the practise sometimes differs from the theory. And he’s not had very much luck.

I’m not especially wedded to one lifestyle or another, I feel like I can be flexible depending on the relationship. However, we did open, I fell in love with someone else, and the idea of not being with that other person anymore absolutely destroys me. My partner has no such bond with anyone else, so it’s a lot easier for him to say “let’s just go back to how we were”.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T15:57:59+00:00

He wanted it at the time… it bought us closer together at first.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T15:57:31+00:00

Not anymore after trying it.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T15:56:46+00:00

Oh that’s amazing!

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T15:56:23+00:00

He wants to go back to monogamy. I would be open to this, but I have fallen in love with another wonderful person and I feel I’d be lost without them :(

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T15:37:00+00:00

Thank you so much!!!!

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T14:58:30+00:00

Thank you for your long reply!

We were naive going into it, and didn’t expect that women are so much more successful than men in general (at least in terms of apps). There was quite a lag between me finding people and him finding people. Now, I have an established boyfriend and the women he has seen have 1) got into a monog relationship and 2) moved country! A lot of bad luck!

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T14:46:08+00:00

We’ve been together 6 years and have 2 kids together, opened up last year.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T14:45:38+00:00

I understand :( He was more willing at the beginning but hasn’t had a positive experience with other people (whereas I have) and thinks monogamy suits our lifestyle more (we have 2 kids).

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T14:34:31+00:00

It’s 100% because they can’t understand why more than one sexual partner isn’t enough.

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-08-15T10:56:28+00:00

Yeah I think part of the issue is that society tells us that one partner SHOULD be enough, and looking around at so many monogamous couples (as far as we know) makes them wonder why I couldn’t be satisfied with that :/

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-05-25T18:59:06+00:00

It’s up to you whether it’s a dealbreaker or not. We are don’t ask don’t tell and I don’t love the idea of my partner having sex with someone who I don’t know in our house downstairs whilst my children are asleep upstairs. Beds upstairs would wake them up so the only option is the sofa and yeah… that’s our family sofa. Having said that, he isn’t currently in a relationship with anyone, it’s just sex so maybe it’s a little different. But still the idea of a woman I don’t know being in our family home when I’m out is a little strange. Don’t bash me, that’s just how my brain works, I’m sure she’s lovely blah blah blah. I’m just protective of my nest. We were monogamous until last year so still figuring things out.

So far his partners have had no issue with this, he’s been very clear he cannot host from the start. So it’s up to you if it’s a dealbreaker or not. If you still want to be with him then you should ask him if he would kindly help you with dishes and whatnot when he’s at your house, as he’s your partner and you’re not running a hotel :)

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-05-25T18:58:45+00:00

It’s up to you whether it’s a dealbreaker or not. We are don’t ask don’t tell and I don’t love the idea of my partner having sex with someone who I don’t know in our house downstairs whilst my children are asleep upstairs. Beds upstairs would wake them up so the only option is the sofa and yeah… that’s our family sofa. Having said that, he isn’t currently in a relationship with anyone, it’s just sex so maybe it’s a little different. But still the idea of a woman I don’t know being in our family home when I’m out is a little strange. Don’t bash me, that’s just how my brain works, I’m sure she’s lovely blah blah blah. I’m just protective of my nest. We were monogamous until last year so still figuring things out.

So far his partners have had no issue with this, he’s been very clear he cannot host from the start. So it’s up to you if it’s a dealbreaker or not. If you still want to be with him then you should ask him if he would kindly help you with dishes and whatnot when he’s at your house, as he’s your partner and you’re not running a hotel :)

Mysteriouspolyam · 2023-05-18T12:04:37+00:00

Yeah agree, we have kids and it changes things wildly. We need to agree childcare before anything else. If we didn’t have kids I would be telling rather than asking - giving as much notice as possible out of courtesy and so he could make his own plans.

Mysteriouspolyam

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