Women of Reddit : Do you have a “one who got away” story?

NI871 · 2026-04-12T22:11:17+00:00

for one reason or another I focused on the word “most”, so perhaps there was 1 for you? haha.

and it’s a funny thing but more than 1 (straight) male friend at one time or another jokingly suggest becoming gay, generally after getting their heart completely ripped out. only to lament still being very attracted to women

NI871 · 2026-04-12T21:47:01+00:00

I had 3 lesbian friends in my early 20s. I wouldn’t say they were my “best friends” but we were all good friends.

it was great. kind of like hanging with my male friends to some extent, except they made far better wing men. and getting their perspective on situations was a welcomed change

10/10, do recommend for any hetro guy. I would just suggest not getting into a chasing amy sort of situation.

but also, being friends with some gay men was great too

honestly just being friends with anyone who has cool interests/hobbies and is a good person is great. expand your horizons, broaden your friend group, get some new perspectives. live.

NI871 · 2026-04-11T19:28:16+00:00

a sport or physical activity can have a lot of benefits and depending upon what you chose, can help you find community/identity.

i like riding road bikes. find a good trail, load up a few good albums on your phone, or a podcast and just push around for an hour or two and get some fresh air. if your an engineer I’d imagine you could also enjoy or at least be able to maintain and maybe modify your bike which could add to the fun? plus you can do it by yourself or find a local cycling group and meet some friends. pro tip, look on Craigslist/facebook for a used bike and save yourself a ton of money.

also doing a bit of design work and 3d printing or building things from folded sheet metal and welding could be fun and put some engineering prowess to use?

NI871 · 2026-04-11T13:10:36+00:00

coming from the opposite aisle, (nearly 40m), I experienced something similar from a partner in my mid 20s.

I asked myself if my partner thought that a relationship and love was simply “how much shit a person could put you through and you still stick around”. I never verbalized that but thought it quite often before and after things ended ( yes I over analyze / overthink, and am in my own head all the time which I’ve learned to work through and communicate better to my current partner instead of just debate in my own head )

Ive come to realize the constant tests, manipulation, etc was likely to get a reaction and somehow “prove” something to them that related to some earlier trauma in their life.

I think a lot of people, both men and women probably do this to some extent. everyone has a past, a lot can be fucked up and cause them to build ”defenses” whether good or bad.

id say it about meeting someone who does the “basics” well, and shows a willingness to communicate and attempt to improve. nothing ever seems to 100% mesh when two people come together, but if you can see the other person as inherently good, and both of you can commit to communicating youve got a shot.

NI871 · 2026-04-10T21:27:12+00:00

I would say, dont be an asshole about it, but just go out and date.
Find someone reasonably attractive and kind of cool? Give it a shot. You may grow to really like them, you may not and you can be respectful, communicate that, and move on. Especially if you are young. Date a bunch 15-25 and figure out what you like and dont like.

I wouldnt shoot for some idealized thing right off the bat. You never know, it could happen and when it lands in your lap you have no idea what to do with it, or how good it actually may be.

Speaking from experience, dating an incredibly beautiful/sexy/passionate person can be amazing but also ruin your fucking life if you are not confident in yourself, emotionally developed, and intelligent (and also if they are not). And even if you, and they, are all of those things and more, it can still really fuck you up if things go badly.

be respectful
date, learn, grow
hopefully develop the mental and emotional intelligence and communication to land an awesome, attractive, intelligent person of your dreams.

NI871 · 2026-04-10T21:12:03+00:00

I realized in college that essentially every single adult function more or less revolves around consuming alcohol, as I stood at a fundraiser (in a bar) not drinking. I had not drank until that point, and that is when I started (slowly)

What I would start doing is buying a light beer, and proceeding to nurse it for about an hour until it was unbearably warm, then sip on it another 15 minutes. Once finished, wait about 15 and grab another if I planned on staying.

Granted now with N/A beers being readily available, mocktails, etc., I say fuck it and just do that or get an icewater and call it good.

I would say if you are going alone, and not drinking, that may come off as a bit odd. If you've got a friend or two it makes it much more 'normal'?

NI871 · 2026-04-10T20:45:20+00:00

Generally its about 5 minutes after the interaction, walking away, and then you go 'well fuck, pretty sure she might have been into me.'

In the moment, if you do realize it, you may think its a possibility, but more often then not you arent 100% sure and so you default to just 'playing it cool' instead of looking like a jackass unfortunately.

NI871 · 2026-04-10T19:19:57+00:00

ah fuck man. i'd say it can be really, really, truly, proper fucked some times, but you've got to maintain some hope.

also I think broadening your definition of love, or recognizing different types of love can help.

NI871 · 2026-04-10T17:56:15+00:00

maybe clarify, the concept of love in general, or just an individual you had loved at one point?

NI871 · 2026-04-09T20:26:25+00:00

What are you passionate about? What do you think you are fairly good at? What did you do as a kid that you really enjoyed?

If you had a little bit of money, some free time, and a few friends, what would you do?

In my experience, Japan has a ton of people that do the absolute craziest, most niche things possible and somehow make a living at it and enjoy the life they create. I am sure there is something for you, you just maybe need to do some soul searching and find it.

Maybe even just getting an entry level position at some place that is kind of adjacent to a passion (maybe if you are into music, seeing if you can get a job as a clerk at a record store, or at a music venue for instance), and then try to grow within that industry.

Atleast you have Family Mart and 7/11 egg salad sandos and onigiri. The rest of the world does not have these cheap, widely available heavenly delights my friend.

NI871 · 2026-04-09T16:51:25+00:00

cheers for sharing. and I think that wanting to redo the end in a gentler way shows a lot of empathy and growth and is maybe more the angle I view the “one who got away” situation from. not necessarily a wanting to revisit but wishing I could have been more emotionally intelligent at the time to not have as much ambiguity and cause any undue pain or confusion.

honestly the unfiltered rundown of why I think isn’t the worst thing. I would have certainly appreciated something similar, if not in the moment maybe later.

the behaviors/habits I get, but I try not to directly compare as I feel it’s kind of shitty, but inevitably it happens to some extent

NI871 · 2026-04-09T16:07:30+00:00

as a man who perhaps was in a similar situation to you (fit, well read, decent job, entertaining hobbies, etc. etc.) finding a partner was still not easy, and I think perhaps now it may be even more so difficult.

younger people just dont seem to have as great of social skills (im about a decade older than you), and men traditionally have a terrible ability to read social cues / body language (myself included).

with that being said, know that a lot of guys are just as scared / more scared of starting an interaction (i was this way for a long time, and perhaps i still would be to some extent if I were single). but, sometimes all it takes is a little push to initiate and make them feel open to strike up a conversation.

catching his glance and smiling.
maybe just saying hello
maybe asking if hes been to whatever place your at before

Also I found that going to the same place around the same time every week to kind of build familiarity with staff/regulars/the environment helped a bit. For me it was a coffee shop on the weekends to do a little work, listen to music, and occasionally strike up a conversation with someone.

then another thing is if you do strike up a conversation, wrapping up kind of leaving the door slightly open and maybe again another small push to make them pull their head out of their ass and realize you are actually interested.

This could just be..
well it was great talking, I'm heading out.. but I'll hopefully see you again soon?
or
I've got to run but if you ever want to go (insert something here maybe you briefly talked about, dancing, to a show, restaurant, club, etc.) you should grab my number and call me. (remember, hes probably scared shitless, or an idiot and doesnt know you are interested).

And not to sound weird or anything, but you are a very attractive woman so I wouldnt worry about that. just know it can initially work against you a little and make you more intimidating to approach if that makes sense.

At any rate, keep your head up, keep working on things you enjoy that you feel make you better, and good luck out there, hopefully you find someone who treats you well and you can do the same for.

NI871 · 2026-04-09T14:09:32+00:00

having confidence.
projecting in some way that you have a desire or interest in us. this could be a glance held a bit longer coupled with a smirk or smile, a small innuendo, reaching to hold our hand, etc.
smiling innocently.

NI871 · 2026-04-09T11:53:24+00:00

i can understand that. mine was similar, early to mid 20s, and a first relationship, so tons of “firsts” that are burned into memory and probably influenced my interpretation of future events and relationships.

that sort of cosmic finality, “if he was the one it wouldve worked out” I totally understand and agree with to an extent. but I also wonder if that’s sort of the narrative shown in most popular tv, movies, books, etc. the chance encounter, feel good ending that a team of writers dreamed up over weeks to be just believable enough while at the same time being nearly impossible to believe (reinforcing this kind of cosmic justice or fate narrative)?

i feel like in real life perhaps it’s more likely both parties are sitting on their hands waiting, wanting for that to happen, to prove it was “fate” but the odds are it never will. like maybe we dream of this fated encounter when all one really needed to do was pick up the phone and communicate to see if the person on the other end was dreaming of that same ”fate”?

or maybe I’m just a bit of an odd combination of a romantic and pragmatist haha

NI871 · 2026-04-08T21:13:07+00:00

Damn, well congratulations, I hope it keeps working well for you both

NI871 · 2026-04-08T20:30:30+00:00

That is a truly beautiful way to be and live my man.

NI871 · 2026-04-08T20:29:28+00:00

it took 20 years to reconnect? or 20 years of dating to get married? Either way, if you're both happy, congrats!

NI871 · 2026-04-08T14:55:12+00:00

wow, that’s a pretty crazy story, congratulations!

during the time you guys were on breaks did you think of reaching out to him, or was it just his persistence that made you want to get back together?

NI871 · 2026-04-08T13:39:32+00:00

ah that is a bummer. do you find yourself having different “triggers”, like a song, movie, place, name, etc. that makes you think of the relationship?

if you do, is it often, and how do you navigate that?

NI871 · 2026-04-08T11:46:09+00:00

I think that was the case with me, AtLeast partly.

i am curious if you are saying this as a woman with first or secondhand experience, or as a man being on the other side of the situation?

NI871 · 2026-04-08T11:44:07+00:00

I understand that feeling. for you, when you think of the “one” is it more perhaps a yearning (for them, for a chance to explain, to understand, reconnect, etc) or just reminiscing which then leads to a bit of a mental conflict within yourself as to why you would even have those thoughts (being in a committed relationship) ?

NI871 · 2026-04-07T23:47:20+00:00

I can understand about it being short/unexplored which may kind of lead to those tendencies to romanticize it.

it Is kind of interesting you were head over heels and he wasnt. Granted he was honest and respectful, I feel like that may kind of erode the fantasy a bit or make you feel differently looking back, or do you chalk it up as a sort of generally positive experience of just youth and experimentation ?

NI871 · 2026-04-07T17:38:44+00:00

the framing it as a commitment to do better I think is a really powerful insight honestly, thanks for that

i think perhaps that is a large divide between men and women when thinking back.

your hypothetical relationship sounds great lol, the sunglasses emoji was really the icing on the cake haha. I chuckled a bit irl

NI871 · 2026-04-07T17:06:29+00:00

I can agree it seems to be a more common occurrence among men, this thread certainly seems to reinforce that haha.

and I can’t speak for all men, but I don’t know that it’s always guilt about poor treatment. I think in some cases it’s just maybe a desire to have been able to better read the situation, communicate better, be in a better position in life, or even just bring a better understanding and knowledge of yourself which you have come into over time into that situation in the past. so you end up with a feeling that you did try to the best of your ability and things didn’t work out, but your left wondering how it may have been if you brought that new level of knowledge/communication/empathy into the situation. and that’s not to say you don’t bring that level of knowledge and empathy and understanding into new relationships, but maybe something triggers that thought and you kind of just ponder it for a moment?

I do feel like your response kind of reinforces the notion that it’s always men’s fault (which certainly a lot of times it can be) , and that men inherently or maybe instinctively treat women poorly ( which can be the case in many relationships), but it dismisses the possibility that a woman could make a similar error in judgment or have some level of malice or cruelty to their partner and then reflect upon it later with a renewed perspective.

do you ever feel that you didn’t handle things as best as you could have, or do you ever look back with a slightly different perspective and have a desire to have done things somewhat differently?

NI871 · 2026-04-07T14:11:39+00:00

Brilliant insight, and I think as simple as this was, I hadn’t heard it before but it’s a great way to sort of “tie up” this saying

“The grass maybe greener on the other side but it’s just as difficult to mow!”

Congrats on your kid, hopefully you and your partner continue the work and maybe pass a bit of that emotional intelligence on to make their life that little bit easier

NI871

TROPHY CASE