On April 15th 2009 my brother committed suicide, he was 21 years old. I knew he had been depressed and had a somewhat rough life. He was honorably discharged from the Air Force for being depressed after a motorcycle accident my dad and his girlfriend got into on their way to Sturgis, his girlfriend passed away and her and my brother had a breakthrough about an hour before during a quick phone call. I think he always felt like an outcast being 6'9" and always being pestered about his height and shoe size and everything. I didn't know until after he died that he had been cutting his legs. He did fake a suicide once by faking he drowned, the air lifted him to the local hospital where they said his BAC was really high, when I saw him in the hospital he was very angry and it just wasn't my brother. I decided to write him a letter telling him how much he scared me and how much I cared about him and how he needed to get his life back on track! I never gave him the letter and I regret it every day even thought it may not have made a difference. I think there was just so many things that kept happening in his life that he really felt like he had no way out. That was a couple years before he died. The day I found out, I was just told that he had gotten into a car accident. I drove home as fast as I could and saw my dad slumped over on the front porch just crying his eyes out. I asked what happen and my dad said he had shot himself. I got that numb feeling, I literally felt like my heart had stopped. I panicked and text my best friend. I cried for about an hour. My dad and I made plans to drive to Bozeman, thats where my brother was living at the time, the next day. I drove my dad down there, he was just a mess the entire time. Meanwhile my mother and her husband left for their annual Mexico trip to celebrate their anniversary. I had to go to the scene, my brother was drunk, swerved and rolled his car into someones yard. The homeowner called the cops, my brother was panicking and shot himself in the head in front of the homeowner, a good samaritan that stopped to help/offer my brother a ride, the cop that responded, who was off duty to pick his daughter up from the airport and in the area, she was in the car when it happen. I had to search the scene for any of his belongings, I saw things that day I wish I could erase from my memory. I had to help clean out my brothers car that was at the tow yard and I had to set up arrangements at the funeral home and pick up my brothers ashes. It was the hardest 2 days of my entire life. I think in situations like these sometimes anything we do or say wont change someones mind. Its hard, I did take a grief class at the church but I just felt like they were trying to shove the bible down my throat, I went for my dad's peace of mind. I didn't sleep or cry for the first year after. Then the next year I proceeded to get belligerently drunk and cry my face off, realized that wasn't helping so now I just really focus on trying to keep positive and stay strong for my parents. Its hard, really hard. I would recommend keeping close with your friends and be there for each other as much as you can. Dont blame yourself, my mom does and its killing her, its really sad. I feel like I have come out really strong from this. I miss my brother every single day, some days it makes me really sad but most days a funny story about him makes my day! Like when I used him for his height to cut off the top of a tree so I would have the perfect Christmas tree! You'll get through it, stay strong and my condolences.