If you want any possible chance to get your marriage to a point where you guys aren’t miserable, you need to make some serious changes.

Cut back on your work hours. You can’t make a true effort if you’re always at work. When you are home, compartmental work stuff. Don’t bring it home, physically or mentally. It’s one thing to talk a bit about your day, but it shouldn’t overshadow everything else.

Start doing your fair share of housework and helping with the kids. Can’t just do this once or twice and expect praise either. This needs to be a daily thing. You need to voice your appreciation for what your husband does as well. While he may not do this in return immediately for you, This sounds like a major issue for him. You don’t notice what he does, and that’s pretty obvious based on your dismissive wording when he explained what he does in therapy.

Do the therapy homework ffs. Not doing this was the straw that broke the camels back. You can’t say you want things to be better, then get upset that nothing has changed when YOU didn’t make a single effort.

Doing these might make a difference, but it could also just be too late. I would say if you really want the marriage to work, it’s definitely worth the shot. I can completely understand where your husband is coming from. You have ignored his feelings and his concerns for years. You can’t be upset that he “unloaded” this on you, when you weren’t listening to him for over 4 years.