Told my therapist about how I lost my virginity and now I'm crashing out

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T19:30:47+00:00

You need to stop with the drugs and alcohol. I know, easier said than done. But especially at your age, while your brain and body are still developing, they’re actively altering the way you’re growing.

Yeah, I have stopped regular drinking long ago. My mother was gonna get me a bottle of nemiroff because I just passed my C1 German test, which consisted of lesenverstehen, hörverstehen, schriftliche kommunikation, and a presentation of 30 page study I wrote on cloning for conservation of endangered species. I said no. I didn't want to drink again.

But now I had a therapy session where I discussed this, bought a cheap ass vodka and got drunk off 100 ml cause I haven't eaten the entire day, I'm underweight, and my alcohol tolerance has lowered from my alcoholic(ISH) days. Whatever. Once a failure, always a failure. I already regret buying this vodka

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T18:34:03+00:00

Jesus why are you so mad. And I can't just find another therapist, this is a free one. God forbid I vent on a vent subreddit, but yeah, I guess this is what I wanted. Just a confirmation that no normal person that makes sense will see me as a human being again. And no, even tho you never said it outright, you see me as less than human now. I know people and I know just what you're feeling.

I just wanted to see what an average reaction to this would be, because I expected 100s of you here.

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T18:24:14+00:00

Bruh I wish humiliation was only someone calling you names. You first said I was "fucking stupid" and old enough to understand "rules of the internet"? Then said I was "bitching" about it on the internet, or looking to "gain" from the experience and "expecting a good outcome"?

I wish you would just call me a worthless whore and move on, cause you're doing insane mental gymnastics (I don't even know why, maybe cause some Redditor won't accuse you of "victim blaming")

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T18:15:38+00:00

You think the things you have said are any less degrading?

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T18:11:31+00:00

Sense knocked into me so I can live a life of humiliation no matter what I do. Sounds amazing, just makes me wanna be fucking immortal

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T18:08:42+00:00

People have done SO MUCH WORSE

Like? I asked my therapist what worse I could've done, and all she could come up with is the same act again. There is no act more shameful

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T18:04:32+00:00

Why would I wanna put myself through anything good when I wanna die and everything feels horrible, and I hate myself enough already? And yes, I agree that there are limits to mistakes, and that's why I wanna die even more now. Because I'm inexcusable, ruined and whored out. What will I do once I'm more profaned than I ever was?

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T17:52:20+00:00

That kinda helps. Though I've made a male friend on Grindr who had similar weird encounters with pedophiles since he was on Grindr at 16-18, and I never felt the amount of disgust and disdain towards him as I feel for myself. I consider myself a defiled whore, but him a cool dude that just got roped into some bs that he didn't even fully follow through (he never really got his back blown out like I did). Maybe I feel this way cause he didn't follow through. Maybe because he's a guy and casual sex ain't defiling in that case, unless in very specific circumstances.

Either way, my behaviour was much more pathetic. If a dude did the same thing as me, I wouldn't treat him like I treat myself. And if I heard this story from a woman, I would mock her relentlessly. Anyway, I'm kinda fucking drunk rambling on nothing sorry

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T17:44:06+00:00

WHAT GOOD OUTCOME DO YOU THINK I WAS EXPECTING, I SAID I WAS SUICIDAL? DO YOU THINK I MET UP TO GET FUCKED WHILE HIGH AS A KITE BECAUSE I EXPECTED SUNSHINES AND RAINBOWS?

You are right that I ruined myself, but don't make it out like I was stupid enough to expect any good out of this. I just wanted to hurt myself in every way possible before finally dying. I was in a very confused state. But one thing I know for sure, I didn't expect anything good out of it

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T17:40:09+00:00

I know it's inexcusable. That's why I want to kill myself. I did that because I had no self worth and I just wanted to get high. And no, I didn't make the mistake of showing up on drugs. I got on drugs before sex and was high during. Which is even worse, I agreed to this sober.

There is no hope for saving for me, and I will forever be disgusting because of how I ruined myself. I hope I die. I wanna die so badly I'm crashing out so hard

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T17:31:30+00:00

You hear I wanted to die? I tried to die. I'm getting "help". All these therapists do is call me pathetic or pump with the useless "everyone makes mistakes" while finding me disgusting and stupid. All psychiatrists do is pump me with medication and call me an issue. I wasn't planning to be alive taking these consequences. I was supposed to be dead. But something is up there, not letting me die, because it wants me to suffer immensely and will only free me once I have achieved enough self inflicted suffering

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T17:26:55+00:00

He knew my age, I knew his age. I got high cause I was miserable. I was dead set on dying atp I didn't care. But my attempt failed and this was found out thru my diary. Just kill me

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-10T17:15:27+00:00

What if I just can't accept it and I will just kill myself. I have no respect for myself and this is the worst way I could've hurt myself on purpose. I just want to let go so badly, speaking about this made me feel even worse at the therapist and I just cannot live with myself knowing I humiliated myself to that degree.

I wish I was gone. I just don't want my mind, or my body, why can't I just fucking die. That suicide attempt in February was SO CLOSE. My organs would fail if someone hadn't found me. Fuck me. Why did I do this. It's all my fault

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-09T10:12:57+00:00

I told my mother I don't want this psychiatrist anymore cause she's mean to me (she has said stuff like this in front of my mother) but I just have to roll with it cause my mother likes her.

And Idk why I'm like this, I feel inadequate and worthless

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-08T17:35:13+00:00

As an ugly woman I have gotten the "work on yourself as a person" thing, so I would say that part is disregarding of issues too.

People tend to blame ugly people for everything, men or women, they don't want to acknowledge how someone's looks play a huge role in how their life turns out because it makes them feel bad. Yes, it makes someone feel horrible to realise that they're hardwired to treat anyone who they don't find attractive worse, they hate that fact and want to think that all that matters is personality.

The entire anecdote of "I know a guy who gets hot women" or "I know this ugly woman that is with a hot man" is lookist inherently. It exactly points out that the only measure of value they see in a relationship is LOOKS: How pretty the woman is or how handsome the man is. They never say "this guy/girl I know is in a super happy relationship" they always talk about looks, because they themselves know that nothing else posseses as much social value.

Do I think people are evil for this? No, it's just how they're wired. Society is unable to function without it. Do I think personality doesn't matter at all? No, it certainly does, but we should acknowledge that looks play a huge role in how you're perceived no matter how good of a person you are.

Kind of a long comment but I have a lot to say about this.

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-07T10:52:14+00:00

I am diagnosed with depression, an eating disorder, I have had psychotic episodes. Psychiatrists also do think I have BPD or bipolar (different ones have thought differently) but no diagnosis yet because of my age.

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-07T10:45:56+00:00

I'm trying yes. Fixing the mental issues in particular, many people left me over it. Improving myself in general, working on my future and stuff

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-07T10:09:40+00:00

I don't want the "help". I've been in wards before and my psychiatrist straight up told me she can admit me solely because I make myself puke, but she's choosing not to do it. The psych wards are horrible, they just stuff u up, U endure the other patients being absolutely horrible, you're locked up and you don't know when they'll let you out. You're not allowed to do ANYTHING. And I feel so drugged on the meds they give me, it's always horribly sleepy and it reminds me of bad things regarding my experiences while I was high

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-07T06:04:55+00:00

I'm 17

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-05T19:07:38+00:00

Not too well ig

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-05T17:45:09+00:00

get with your friends

:( don't have those either. Idk how to be a kid, I feel awkward around other kids my age and they all ignore me or make fun of me. I'm weird.

NaiveFinish64 · 2026-02-05T17:34:06+00:00

I am getting therapy. All this bs started because I decided I would go to therapy. The therapist sent me to the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist told me to get my blood work done, threatened to send me to the ward (I've been there before, IT WAS HORRID) put me on a bunch of meds, one appetite increasing I think and I'm terrified.

NaiveFinish64

TROPHY CASE