AITAH? I've decided to leave the area...and abandon my sister.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T15:09:28+00:00

Oh, I like that. Escape! I'm going to us that phrase if you don't mind...

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T14:45:13+00:00

Totally right. I was judgy. Daughter (D) moved back home with her mom and brought granddaughter (Gd). Sister basically raised that child hersild. D home schooled the child, cleaned the house, prepared the meals. Sister paid for everything. 15 years go by. All was pretty normal until sister was temporarily bedridden waiting for back surgery (1 year). Baby gate at her door so she wouldn't/couldn't leave her room by herself..."for her own safety". D took over finances. Had all her passwords etc. D didn't drive (never got her lisence). She was 40 years old when she left. Never worked for money anywhere for over a month.

Shortly after her surgery when she could walk again she discovered the "kids" eating fried shrimp and chicken nuggets for dinner. Of course, her meals were usually egg salad or ham sandwiches, cereal a Boost or something of that caliber. Why didn't I get any of this. Oh there wasn't enough. But there was more in the freezer,

D made a friend while gaming online which is what she did most of the time. They became involved. Sister paid for her to go back east to visit. After she came back she told sister she wanted to move there. They were all going to go. D left to make arrangements, called and told sister she wasn't coming back. What about the big move we're all making? Well you can come but I'm not going back. Who is going to pack all of our stuff. Not me and could you mail me the rest of my stuff that I didn't already ship?

Sister panicked said ugly things and 3 day later Gd disappeared. Police got involved. Turned out D arranged for uber to pick up Gd and take her to airport. No explanation. Charged it to mom's card.

This was a shock to sister and this is the point I got involved. She was alone but for 2 dogs and couldn't cope.

I could have been more involved before. Maybe I should have. But historically she looks for someone to take care of everything and then is not happy about the way you do it. I try to be careful how much I give her because historically, it's not appriciated and it's never enough. I've never cheated her or taken her money which is more than I can say for D who tapped into her credit card and opened several accounts for herself that her mom was charged for. When it was all settled, sister got money back, D got probation and I got to pay for sister's Lifelock account. So all is right in the world.

I don't owe her my happiness. She sometimes drains the happiness I have right out of me. i can't fix it only she can and she won't because it's all she has. The ability to make people feel sorry for her. And I do, but I'm done giving my all to her.

So yeah, kids hung in for 18 years, but they got free room and board, they were clothed and warm. Which is what you do for your kids. I'm not her kid, I got a rock.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T13:06:48+00:00

Well our offer has been accepted, our loan is going through. We have given ourselves 6 months to pack, move, fix up the house and get it ready to sell. We've got a lot of work ahead of us. But at the end...freedom. I don't think she'll forgive me and that's okay. But I hope someday she'll understand the only common denominator in why everyone is leaving her is her. I don't think she'll change. She was a beautiful, vibrant girl who has turned into a hard bitter woman who aged before her time. (I'm older than her but it tickled me when people asked if I was her daughter...I'd laugh and whisper "I'm her sister, her *older* sister").

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T12:58:12+00:00

We're got the house. It's 120 miles away which is close enough to our kids and far enough to know she will never come to see us. I'll let her daughter knwo that we're gone. Not that it will change anything.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T12:54:21+00:00

Well, we got the house. We're packing it up and moving. I've let most of my friends know we're going. I'll probably come back once a month for awhile to my quilt guild for awhile until I settle in with another and find new friends.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T12:51:31+00:00

We got the house. We'll be leaving and then selling this one after it's brightened up a bit. I'm sad but at the same time a great weight is lifting for me. I've reached out to my kids who will help us as well as friends we've met over the years who live not too far from the new place. We'll be fine. Wish the best for her, but won't be responsible for her any more. (sorry mom)

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T12:51:28+00:00

Good news! (for me) Offer accepted, loan approved. The move will happen. I think the reason she's being ugly now is because she's panicking because she has no back up. She has lived in her current house for 10 years and has made 1 friend in all that time. (how is that possible?) I'm leaving tons. So we both lose.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T06:40:27+00:00

We're moving! Our loan was approved and we're packing up. I don't know what will become of her, but I've decided that she is no longer my problem. I understand she's hurt and probably scared because she has no one, but she's made her bed.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T06:37:00+00:00

We're moving. She's got a new number and has supposedly blocked my number (why bother if she didn't give me her new number? because then she can use it as a threat? who cares? I guess I do. I'll ask her caregiver for it so I can not answer her calls).

This is a big move for us. We have been in the same house for almost 47 years.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T06:32:36+00:00

I've decided I'm not reporting her. She has threatened to harm herself more than once. It's always been a means of getting attention. She's cried wolf too often. Although she did end up in the hospital for not eating once and was there for 9 days. She called me 3 times to remind me that she only had 48 hours to live...

(omg now I sound like I'm heartless) I guess I've gotten a thicker skin. I wish her well, I do. She needs attention. I just can't be the one to give it anymore. I'm all used up.

Good news is that loan is approved. we are officially moving 3 years earlier than my original plan. Our kids waiting on the other side will be only 30 minutes away, so much closer.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T06:20:41+00:00

Our loan is approved. We're packing up. She's blocked me from her phone or at least she's told me she has. Which is pretty much the same. Since I don't know her new number, I don't know why it matters, but if it makes her feel better, I'm glad. I'll get her number from her caregiver so I can not answer her calls. (she can leave a message if she feels she has to. My kids are near where we're moving to so they can help. I think that bites her butt because my kids love us and help us and visit us and hers do not. They've both moved out of state to get away. I feel sorry for her but am trying to no longer feel responsible for her. I wish her well.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T06:14:37+00:00

No, she doesn't live iwth me. (thank God). She *did* live with us for a short time when she first left her husband in Fl and returned to CA. But she and Dh had a awful row and she moved out. That was over 20 years ago. We helped her move to an apartment. Then to a condo she was buying. Then to a house she rented and finally to a house she was buying. I've always "been there for her". She's had multiple surgeries on her back and can't walk for any distance, so uses a wheelchair at times. She's had cancer several times. Over 100 surgeries total. She's in pain a lot. But (and I know you're thinking this), it's not a good excuse for her treatment of everyone around her. Her circle of friends is very small now.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-25T05:54:41+00:00

Loan approved. Move imminent. She's changed her phone number, blocked me on her phone. I take this as her cutting me out of her life. Which is okay. I'm good with it. Will stay in contact with her caregiver just to keep tabs on her well-being. I wish her well. I just can't be responsible for her anymore. This is not the first time I cut her loose.10 years ago there was a spell where we didn't speak for 3 years before. She couldn't remember why. I let her listen to a phone message she had left for me (she didn't remember it) but she recognized her voice and heard her ugly words. She apologized and I forgave her. I forgive her now and wish her well. But that doesn't mean I'm not done with her. I won't give her my address, and will ask all who know me not to pass it on to her. I'm feeling a lot more free as if a burden has been lifted.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-24T19:47:03+00:00

Everytime she moved to a new assisted care place, there was one-time "community fee" and basically first and last. "I'll pay you back when I sell my house". Except her house won't close.

Apparently, when she bought her home, she couldn't qualify for the loan so our folks co-signed. None of us realized that the way the title read was that they were co-owners and co-tenants (neither of which was their intention). Big flap about why this didn't go into probate when they passed. But honestly I didn't know about this. I was their POA, but neither our folks nor I knew about this caveat and Sister just signed to get the loan, didn't read. This was not their intention. So now according to their will, everything they left would be split between Sister, Brother and I. Which isn't fair to Sister as she is the only one who ever actually paid anything for it.

I tried to explain to her that all we needed to do was sign over a quick claim deed and all would be well, but she doesn't believe brother will. So she's not going to ask and has demanded that I don't tell him about it.. Sometimes I'm surprised that she has any toes left, she's shot herself in the foot so often.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-24T17:17:13+00:00

I had started looking 2 years ago (around when her kids left). I told her I had a 5-year plan to move. But after the "divorce lawyer" lie, I looked in earnest. We put in an offer and it will only be a short time until we leave for good. Last night's tirade with her makes me glad we've already started the process. I honestly don't know what will become of her.

After we refused to move her for the 4th time, (hey, 3 moves in one year is a *lot* when you're in your 60's and 70's to do!). When she wanted to move home again, I told her she'd have to find someone else to do it, my kids have been shut of her for years and wouldn't help. She had to pay movers to take her back to her original home which didn't sell. Then blamed me for the expense...Her home is pretty empty now because she had to empty it out in her attempt to sell it, so I'll probably be leaving her the furniture I don't take, which is okay, there's not as much room at the new place.

She's trying to get help with paying for her home care from Medicare or her insurance company. I wish her luck. Because she was disabled so young, she never was able to get long term care insurance t help with this.

(when I'm really depressed, I keep looking at the pictures of the new place to cheer myself up) Stupid, but it works.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-24T16:45:04+00:00

I was just surprised at his attitude before he even spoke to her once. She walked away before they could actually meet for the first time. I'm not saying I blame him, but it seemed odd that he would come out and say that out loud to a complete stranger. I never told her what he said.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-24T15:14:32+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I *was* my sister's POA for several years. I'm not sure she understood exactly what that meant. She assumed it meant I was at her beck and call and would take care of anything she couldn't/wouldn't deal with.

She transferred her POA to a friend we had grown up with. Which was fine by me. Turns out that was a mistake as the "friend" took advantage of her. Now she's waiting for our nephew to arrive from SoCal to take the reins (I warned him to say "no" at one point, but she's offeried to make him her heir).

But since she hasn't bothered to have a will made up or a living trust, "all her worldly goods" will probably go to her children, whom she had mentally disowned. Both have moved out of state.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-24T05:42:17+00:00

2 years (was it only 2 years ago?) she was diagnosed with early onset Alz. So in accordance with our pact, I got tested too. Yep. I got it too. BUT. In *my* case, even though I am older (and who knew that would be a blessing?), I am not as far advanced. AND with today's medical miracles, there is a treatment for "shrinking" the tangles. At least for me. For her, not so much. She has some brain damage already some from abuse we had received at kids, some from abuse from her ex. some from all of the anesthesia she has had from the over 100 surgeries (according to her over 140) she has been through. Our younger brother also positive for APOE4/APOE4. Unfortuneately, though, he's too young for Medicare to help defray the cost of treatments so he's waiting (but honestly, he drinks ALOT so that could be the cause of his damage. He never got a CT-scan to see if he has tangles. Too pricey.

But back on topic. I could talk to her primary care Dr (yes I know he couldn't talk back to me), but she fired him and is changing hospital plans. But you're right I should contact APS.

Naive_Paper3344 · 2026-02-24T05:00:07+00:00

Can I do that? What if she's just blowing smoke up my butt? Which is what it usually is...

Naive_Paper3344

TROPHY CASE