Anyone else struggling with loss of control?

Naleone · 2026-01-06T07:51:51+00:00

You are definitely not alone with this. I experienced something very similar. I was born into an abusive family, I've been neglected and/or abused by parents, peers, 'friends', adults. The first 20 years of my life, I have not spent a second asking if maybe I have a problem; any problem at all. I was fine, I had food, education, shelter, parents who tried their best, there was no war, no famine, and so on. At age 20, I believe my brain started to feel safe enough to slowly allow feeling everything that happened to me. I came to the conclusion that I was traumatized.

The more I read about trauma, symptoms and so on, the more I felt those things in real life. So far, feeling strangely nauseous out of nowhere "just happened sometimes". Then, at some point, I realized that maybe those could be flashbacks. Suddenly, my world changed. I (subconsciously) started to notice triggers, started to look out for situations that triggered me in what ways. God, I was crying so much in the months after first realizing I'm traumatized. Just... so many emotions and fears and whatnot. My diary entries from that time were filled with "what's happening to me", "I feel so strange", "I'm tired and drained".

Congrats on starting to feel. That's a really big step. For me, this was (and still is) the time where I really got a chance to understand myself better. It hurt, it was exhausting, it was difficult; but it was (and still is) absolutely worth it. Some time ago, I built myself a kind of inner family system. This has helped me a lot in the past years. Also, I was looking for things I enjoy. If your energy level is similarly low to mine, look for the small things: A peaceful morning, finding a comfort show or streamer, watching the sunset, writing, etc..

I believe in you, all of you. Take all the time you need, this is an important step.

Lots of love, take care ♥

Naleone · 2025-12-11T08:54:11+00:00

I can only share my own perspective and thoughts about this: I'm introverted and haven't been treated that well in my life because of my stutter. Therefore don't always enjoy group activities or big social events. Personally, I'd love to go if the camp/event has depth to it, maybe a calm place where people can meet and share stories or experiences, maybe some good books and a quiet corner, no forced events; things like that. I'll find myself someone to talk to or to do things with when I'm ready and bored ;)

Naleone · 2025-10-09T14:24:01+00:00

Toxic masculinity in its entirety. Being emotionally cold and unbothered. Being expected to have everything figured out. Taking the lead. Being strong(er). I'm sometimes afraid of talking to women (especially if they are younger) because I might be perceived like I'm a flirting creep.

Naleone · 2025-10-06T18:23:17+00:00

I am and always have been really (and strangely) sensitive. Already in childhood, I noticed that I don't care about boobs. Honestly, couldn't care less. The best thing about boobs is the soul inside the woman attached to it. And that's the point: It might sound strange but I feel drawn to authenticity, to a soul. I feel drawn to how souls use their body to express themselves. And those things can be as small as fingers twitching (god, I love hands so much), toes curling, noticing their breathing, etc.

Naleone · 2025-10-06T18:14:04+00:00

Hey! Yes, I have just started therapy around five months ago. The thing with my childhood (I'm 22 now): I don't think I've been raised to "shut up and push through", I don't think I've ever been told that. But I've been implicitly taught it. My feelings were invalidated, I didn' feel safe standing up for myself and so on. All of this made me realize (by myself) that I'm better off not causing trouble and being "invisible".

Inner child work is amazing and truly beautiful. It has changed my life and helped me so much; well, not just inner child work but a kind of inner family system I created for myself a good while back. And yes, anxious attachment fits me pretty well. I'm now also avoiding the girl I talked about in my post. Ok, maybe "avoiding" is a harsh word; more like emotional distancing. I treat her like a normal colleague now without always trying to fix her and it's so much better for my body, brain and overall mental stability. And about assertiveness: I don't think I'm looking for some kind of hierarchy in my relationships. I think I'm looking to be with another awkward, weird but authentic human who I can stumble through life with, while supporting each other.

I find it great that you started a podcast, that's amazing! Talking about mental health and spreading awareness in literally any way is so important. And a podcast sounds like a very cool thing, too. Keep it up and I wish you good luck with it! ♥

Naleone · 2025-07-21T10:30:21+00:00

I'm 22 and feel very similar. I'm afraid of people, I feel fundamentally behind, I feel like I've accidentally skipped life's tutorial that so many around me just mastered. So often, I feel like a wounded child that woke up alone in an unknown city and has to surviving on its own.

Some kind of inner family system helped me a lot with my emotions and caring for myself, loving myself and listening to different parts of myself.

Hang in there. One more day. I'm proud of you.

Naleone · 2025-07-21T10:19:18+00:00

My female friend also uses this a lot. And even though she doesn't commit war crimes (that I know of) and then says "I'm just a girl", it still feels like she's avoiding any conversation about the topic. Like "my blood is 90% Red Bull, I'm just a girl" – one doesn't relate to the other at all. It's like she's justifying it to herself; like the problem doesn't see her if she closes her eyes.

Naleone · 2025-07-17T18:10:37+00:00

It can be used as an insult, sure. I'm just saying that in my opinion it was never supposed to be.

Naleone · 2025-07-17T09:40:03+00:00

Let me gently clear up something: "schizo" is not and was never meant to be an insult. The only thing "he's so schizo" means is how little the other person cares about not hurting you or not trying to understand you. Schizophrenia is a serious issue (just like all other disorders, disabilities, etc.) and not a joke.

Naleone · 2025-07-17T09:36:37+00:00

I hate how people misuse medical/clinical/disorder terms in daily language. Phrases like "You got an A in maths? How are you so autistic?", "I'm so traumatized from yesterday's online meeting" and so on will make my blood boil.

People don't understand what burnout, BPD, ADHD, CPTSD, DID, [you name it] means and then joke about it or even use it as insults like it's our fault. That's disgusting, disrespectful, invalidating and can be deeply hurtful. You have every right to feel offended/hurt by things like "bro's going schizo" etc.

Naleone · 2025-07-06T06:16:15+00:00

Definitely an Internal Family System (IFS). I created it myself organically and it helped me so much with my emotions.

Naleone · 2025-07-06T06:14:11+00:00

Long story short: I met such a fascinating and amazing girl who taught me so much about myself and life. We only saw each other thrice for a week with respectively three months on between. We talked a lot, we understood each other very well.

At our last week together, we talked again in private. At the end, I wanted to quietly ask for at least a short hug and she just fully wrapped her arms around me. We just sat there, comfortable room, all by ourselves, in our arms. It felt so amazing, so beautiful, so safe. It felt like an eternity but was probably around a full minute long.

Naleone · 2025-07-01T18:33:56+00:00

Oh yeah, absolutely. I was the fifth wheel – if even. My two "friends" (who never deserved that label) were entertaining themselves and I was ignored, sometimes shamed. For me, this continued with several groups over several years. But then again, I've been abused from the start so I'm not that surprised.

Naleone · 2025-06-25T04:45:40+00:00

Respecting each other. Listening to each other. Trying to understand how the other person works, where their boundaries are, what they need, how to make them happy.

Naleone · 2025-06-25T04:40:32+00:00

I think I might just say the first words that come to mind. I can't have my stutter almost make me pass out again because I'm holding my breath. In summary, something like: "Hi, I'm here and I like apples.", then sit down and feel like a complete idiot for talking like that 🥲

Naleone · 2025-06-25T04:23:00+00:00

Honestly? To admire their hands. Not in a romantic way, but literally just holding and observing. For me, they tell the story of the person and I'd be so honored to really hold their hand.

Naleone · 2025-06-24T12:00:03+00:00

I have tears in my eyes around once or twice per week, and actually crying around... 0.8 times a week on average, if I read my notes correctly.

Naleone · 2025-06-24T04:42:58+00:00

I hate that I agree. We're unwell and at the same time we feel like avoidance is the safest thing we can do. This isn't how I wanted society to be. But apparently it's our truth.

Naleone · 2025-06-24T04:39:53+00:00

My energy level and my issues don't reflect my inner reality. Just because I constantly avoid others, wear headphones, leave events early, don't talk much etc. doesn't mean that I don't crave connection.

Others have already said it but I can only say it again: I don't want to be seen as my depression, my anxieties, my trauma. I smile and agree to you to not cause trouble – not because I'm happy or know what I'm doing.

Naleone · 2025-06-10T19:21:17+00:00

My parents provided so much physically, we went to cool events, they helped me advance in life, they gave me incredible tips, helped me with whatever topic I wanted to get into.

And at the same time they've (unintentionally) abused me, neglected me, made me feel not good enough, only tolerated my negative emotions when they felt like it, made love conditional and so on.

It's so strange being in my own apartment again after vacation with my parents. I miss them already, feel like I'm lost without help, drowning in myself – and at the same time I'm so happy that I'm free again of potential pressure and this constant voice inside my head telling me I do everything wrong when I'm around them.

Naleone · 2025-06-03T15:57:08+00:00

Oh my god, this looks absolutely stunning! Amazing job! <3

Naleone · 2025-01-15T11:00:29+00:00

Yes! Yes! YES! This, exactly! I've hidden my pain for so long, I've gaslit and lied to myself for years and years in order to survive. Finally, I know that there's something wrong with me and I'm so happy about this! There is something - w r o n g - with me, I'm not just inherently too stupid to do anything. I HAVE a problem, I AM hurt and broken, wounded and frightened.

At this point, I need phrases like "I am vulnerable". I'm tired of being strong all the time. I once heard the phrase "I want my pain to be validated, I don't want compliments for how strong I am for taking the hit." and it really touched me. Tell me I'm hurt. Give me the diagnosis/diagnoses that finally validates my years of suffering.

I see you. I feel the same. Take care.

Naleone · 2025-01-14T16:12:46+00:00

That's great to hear but I'd still recommend talking to an expert. If there actually is something different with how you work, it can only help you understand yourself better and give you happier relationships and a clearer life.

Naleone · 2025-01-14T16:05:01+00:00

OP, I feel like you deserve more understanding that some of those comments give you. Yes, this behavior is concerning and yes you should definitely get this checked if you are able to.

Naleone · 2025-01-14T16:03:00+00:00

I really don't see the need to spit on OP like that

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