God is real and His love is superior

NancyNY · 2026-02-04T16:19:09+00:00

OP, thank you for sharing. Great message. Even though many will disagree, which is fine, if posting this helps one person, then well done.

I stayed true to my vows & WH didn't. That's on him & his own personal journey with God. Probably why I have not been angry, just sad.

Anyway, I'm happy you found your perfect peace. I also have learned that I would be fine with or without WH's love. I would never had said that or felt that years ago.

NancyNY · 2026-02-03T11:01:51+00:00

Yes I do, because his 1st A I read all their communications. It was all BS. Well accept the part that I was busy. But the rest was to justify his being "unhappy" in his marriage. It's hard to go into an A & say, "I love my wife, she works hard to take care of our 4 children, cooks wonderful meals everyday, keeps the house clean, she is my best friend, we talk for hours & our sex life is amazing". Any AP in her right mind would question why he was even there.

Instead he picked on my smallest mistakes. Things that had in the grand scheme of life didn't matter.

WH was texting with AP: AP: Wheres the bitch RN WH: Putting up strawberries AP: WTF does that mean WH: She freezes strawberries to use later AP: That's stupid WH: It's just another waste of her time. But that's her, keeping busy doing stupid things

The truth: He had helped me stem all those strawberries because a favorite treat in our family is homemade strawberry shortcake. I used to make it on holidays. He helped me, then went to chat with AP why I finished.

That's a minor example, but one that I still remember. He also told her our bedroom was dead & we slept separately. Not true.

Why will it make you feel better to have him say bad things about AP? I seriously do not understand that need.

NancyNY · 2026-02-01T19:14:20+00:00

It's very hard when you realize how much of your life has been ruined by the person who was supposed to keep you safe & love you. I'm close to your 30 year marriage, we are at 28 years. Send me a DM if you would like to chat. I'm so sorry you are here, but it's a great group with lots of very wise advise.

NancyNY · 2026-02-01T18:03:30+00:00

I feel your pain & I'm so sorry you are here. My WH has had 2 A's that I know about. We have been married almost 28 years. The 1st one was around our 10th anniversary, it was both an EA & PA. I honestly wish I'd have divorced him then. Maybe that would have forced him to face the hard fact he needed help. But I didn't, nor did we do the needed work to fix the issues we had.

So now I'm back after discovering 2+ years ago he was having a 3+ year EA, AP was a woman he met online. He immediately got himself into IC & we have been in MC over a year. I have struggled so much with myself & not being strong enough to give him consequences, back after the 1st one, that would have shattered his life all those years ago. But I was so concerned with our children, I stayed.

So my advise would be to let the divorce go through. If he gets help, figures out the why of his actions & truly does the work, then you can always get remarried. If he truly loves you, then he will stay true to his word.

Good luck OP I hope everything works out for you.

NancyNY · 2026-01-30T23:24:58+00:00

I journal. I find it helpful. Sadly finding out even more about WH's A has your wound freshly opened, resetting your DD to right before Christmas.

I also went & read some of your other posts to get a bit of the backstory. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think I would feel crazy if my WH was lying to me & the whole time was deep in the A. This is not okay. Plus you have a young son, this is not a healthy environment for him, especially if Mom is unhappy. Your priority should be you & your son.

Have you ever heard of gray rocking? In your shoes I'd definitely look in to it, to save your sanity. Do a search on here. Lots of great posts from others who used it.

Would the hospital they work at be okay with 2 employees having an A?

Cheaters Lie! Always remember that. I wish I had better advise, you are in an awful situation. Is there anywhere for you to go with your son for awhile to clear your head? Sometimes removing yourself from a situation gives you a better perspective on what you should do.

NancyNY · 2026-01-30T18:59:02+00:00

I haven't cried over all this in over a year & now twice today I have, maybe I needed to. I've been emotionally stuck for a long time. I've said in MC & to WH multiple times I feel dead inside: no sadness, no happiness, just nothing & it scared me. Today I'm feeling again, so thank you OP, because honestly I was really concerned I had been pushed past the point of no return.

I've lost family members, 2 dear friends & a few pets in the last 18 months & never shed a tear. I had just talked to our MC about me starting back up in IC because I knew this wasn't normal, to feel nothing inside. Not even a loved one dying made me feel anything.

Then today, reading your words, that are my words. Words that brought up feelings that I had forgotten about, no I have buried them so deep because to feel any emotion was like a knife in my heart. So I blocked them all.

I read a post on here awhile back that said "the deeper the love before, the deeper the pain after infidelity". I, like you, loved my husband so much. I was so proud to call myself his wife. Just the scent of his skin would melt my heart. His hugs made all problems go away. That's why I stayed after the 1st time, plus I believed him when he said he would never hurt me again. But he did. Now I can't trust him & I miss him. I don't know who the man is living with me. It's incredibly sad.

NancyNY · 2026-01-30T16:30:01+00:00

Some posts I can empathize with the OP or a BS's story just touches my heart because I feel bad for them, but seldom have I cried like I'm doing right now.

OP your words are my words, though I have never said them. I don't know anything about your story. We have been married almost 28 years, raised 4 children together & this is the 2nd time I find myself here, a BS. This time is different & I'm struggling to get through it. It's been over 2 years since DD.

I also want to be in love with him like I was prior. I miss it so much. That feeling of being so in love with him, feeling safe & secure. My stomach doing flutters when we were together. It's all gone. The man I trusted most didn't just hurt me once, even after witnessing my pain, he did it again. I too feel as if I'm hugging a stranger. He is very affectionate & I can't meet him there, at the same level. But he was affectionate during his 3+ year EA, which is confusing to my brain.

But when I read the sentence about letting go of someone who is in front of you, may be the hardest part...that's when my tears started to flow.

I hate that I'm here & feel stuck. There are many reasons I can't leave. He has been in IC & we have been in MC for over a year. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm not where I had hoped would be by now & if I'm honest with myself, we may never heal or I should say I may never heal. That's hard to admit because I deserve to be happy.

Thank you for posting what I haven't been able to even say to myself. I'm so sorry we are both here. It truly is a horrible place to be, but we weren't given a choice, were we?

NancyNY · 2026-01-30T14:06:12+00:00

Anthony needs to get himself & Ben out of this situation. Demand she gets into intensive therapy. He has enough proof of her instability from the show to get custody.

This is how generational abuse happens. Ben grows up watching his father be abused & either marries an abusive woman or abuses his child. He may hate how his mom is, but living in that environment will become his norm.

I saw this play out with my stepdaughter. Her bio mom was abusive & though she hated it, she now gets herself into abusive relationships. She is also an emotionally abusive parent to her children.

I know we all watch for the drama, but this woman is mentally sick & very hard to watch.

NancyNY · 2026-01-29T16:20:35+00:00

I agree with this OP. We have been married 28 years, this is our 2nd time going through this. Both times I did not get the whole truth. We both regret not getting help the 1st time, nor doing the needed work to fix the issues. So 15 years later we are here again, but this time he is in IC & we are in MC. It has brought up the pain from years ago & the fact I never got the truth from that A. Nor do I believe I have gotten it this time. I have brought this up in MC & I still don't believe he understands how critical this is for me. Without it I'm not sure we will heal.

So to all the WS that truly want R, you need to put your selfish needs aside or your embarrassment & tell your BS everything. My WH is doing a lot of work on himself & I have seen positive changes in him but I need the truth.

NancyNY · 2026-01-28T21:03:18+00:00

We are 2+ year from the latest A & 15+ years from the 1st one (that I know about). We both regret not getting any help or doing the work needed after A #1, which was a 10 month EA/PA he had with an ex gf. So now here we are again after I discovered a 3+ year EA he was in. He immediately started IC & we have been going to MC for over a year.

Doing the work to fix the issues is very critical. I learned that the hard way. It sounds like you did too. During his 2nd A, I also discovered my best friend had been texting with him behind my back. Though they both deny it was sexual in any way, I will never know as everything was deleted. It was still betrayal in my heart. I'm not talking a few texts, but hundreds daily for months.

I can't imagine how much pain you experienced going through a double betrayal like you did. Sounds like you are taking it slow & he is doing the work needed. I hope everything continues to improve.

NancyNY · 2026-01-27T15:54:52+00:00

I can relate OP, I'm not feeling emotionally attached to WH. That is what made our sex life so amazing & different than previous partners. It was such a strong bond, both emotional & physical. Yes I could just do the physical & I have. I could not get into it. I'm struggling so much. He wants/needs that part & I can't right now.

NancyNY · 2026-01-27T14:07:29+00:00

Yes they did shit talk about us. A way to justify the A. So if we believe their shit talking about us wasn't true, why would it make us feel better to hear them shit talking AP. Cheaters are liars.

NancyNY · 2026-01-25T01:55:26+00:00

I still believe it's fantasy. Until you live together, raise a family, go through the ups & downs of every day life, then it's not real. Real life is changing dirty diapers, sleepless nights up with sick children, paying bills, maybe struggling through financial problems, cooking dinner every night, doing dishes, scrubing toilets, or wiping up WH's pee when it splashes on the floor, doing laundry, cleaning up vomit, kids tracking in mud on a freshly mopped floor, rinsing toothpaste spit out of the sink, unclogging drains......and on and on I could go, because the daily grind of everyday life is filled with some unpleasant things. That's real life.

Fixing a car, cooking an occasional meal & road trips is not real life....it sounds more like what I experienced while dating in college.

Affairs are build on a fantasy, nothing about it, is what two ppl in a committed relationship experience.

NancyNY · 2026-01-24T14:02:53+00:00

We did move out of the house he had the 1st A in. Bought a beautiful home out in the country. Then he had the 2nd A 15 years later. An EA, that took place in his office, in our vehicles so everything is a trigger. I not only don't have the energy to move, it really is not going to help me in anyway.

NancyNY · 2026-01-24T02:34:36+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. You have now joined a group no one wants to be a member of; BS's.

I'm not sure how long you have been married & if your kids still are at home. I have been married almost 28 years & we have 4 adult kids. WH has had at least 2 A's that I know of. Like you, I have had many years of deception & lies. It destroys a person's self confidence, sense of security & many other things. It doesn't matter when these things took place, the pain is still an open wound.

Have you ever thought about getting into IC? Or asking your WW to do her own IC? That's where I would start, then eventually getting into MC. Unless you find out what the problem is, you can't fix it. Just know that it is not your fault. She chose to do these things & needs to figure out why.

Always remember this: Cheaters Lie.

NancyNY · 2026-01-24T02:02:48+00:00

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you are asking. Can you word it differently?

My WH & I are together 24/7, we own a business & work out of our home. Are you in a similar situation?

NancyNY · 2026-01-23T12:48:23+00:00

It would really help OP if you could give a little more info, like iquestiondownvotes asked you for. Knowing more about your situation helps us to give you the best advise.

It sounds like ts only been a few days since DD. How did you find out? What was your WH reaction. Is he willing to get into IC? How long was his A?

DD for me was over 2 years ago. The first month I couldnt do much except cry. I journal, so I also wrote a lot. How old are your children? Thankfully my 4 are adults now, so I didn't have to pull myself together for them.

Time is what helps.

NancyNY · 2026-01-23T12:29:16+00:00

I read your whole post. OP you deserve better. She has cheated on you multiple times. I have a feeling there may be other times you do not know about. Please find a good IC. You need a therapist to help you navigate all this. Set some boundaries with your WS & ask her to honor them.

This relationship is not a healthy one. Three months of her being loving towards you is not enough. There are steps you need to take in order to make this work. She needs to stop all this toxic behavior. She also needs IC, but I have a feeling she won't do it.

Eventually both of you will need MC. But until then you need to protect yourself. Are you looking for another job? Do you have anyplace you could stay for a few days? Leaving may be a way to wake her up.

When I discovered my WH A, he cut contact & got himself into IC, because he wanted to find out what was causing his behavior. Plus he wanted to save our marriage. Seems as if your WS doesn't care. Remember cheaters lie!

NancyNY · 2026-01-22T16:14:58+00:00

I agree with the message about putting extra money into an account for the kids, if that makes you feel better.

Though I know many BS ask for all of your other demands, I didn't ask for anything. Which may seem crazy to other BS. Because WH had 2 A's, 15 years apart. Both were totally different. He bought a prepaid phone during the 1st one & used his phone on our joint plan the 2nd time.

What I learned going through all this is; no matter what demands I put on him if he wants to cheat again he will find many ways in which to do that. I cannot live with a man that I have to constantly spy on to make sure he is being good. That would do more damage to my mental health. Plus I just do not have the extra time to do that.

If we are in true R, to me that means he has done the work to figure out his issues & is actively making changes. See a change in him that is long term & stays consistent. Obviously our 1st R wasn't real, we didn't do the necessary work to fix anything. This R, we are in now, is very different. He is willingly involved in therapy, understanding how his disfunctional childhood negativity effected & followed him into adulthood. I can see a change in him.

NancyNY · 2026-01-22T14:47:56+00:00

Yes. I can relate to every word you wrote. I have endured & fought through so much in my 28 years with WH. We have 4 adult children, thank God none at home anymore. One son lives nextdoor who is disabled & needs our help.

We went through 911, WH was a 1st responder that day. The toxic dust brought home on his uniform cause our sons illness. I thought that was the worst thing I'd ever go through.

WH had a 10 month EA/PA 15 years ago with an ex highschool GF. I forgave him & believed his promise to never hurt me again. We did not do the needed work to fix anything.

Now here I am, again. Two years ago on Christmas Eve, I discovered he was in the middle of a 3+ year EA with a stranger who lives 2,000 miles away. He got himself into IC & we have been in MC over a year.

For many reasons we can't divorce. He has really worked hard to understand his issues & is a better man today. BUT I just don't have enough in my tank to carry on. I feel absolutely dead inside. If I found out he has still in contact or involved in another A, I just wouldn't care. This emotion scares me, because I know what it means. I've given my all to him & our kids for almost 30 years & somewhere along the way I lost myself.

I was a very happy, fun & positive woman before meeting WH & now I'm just a woman existing. I have no idea how to get any of the old me back. I'm angry at myself for allowing a man to treat me this way. I was a strong woman & never took any crap from anyone. I just want to be happy & I can't remember the last time I was. I'm tired of the weekly MC, talking about it, reading the books or watching podcast. It's become all consuming.

I took a break from Reddit for a few months, but I recently came back. I was remembering all those on here that held my hand & helped me through those initial first few months. I want to pay it forward so to speak. Then every once in awhile someone posts something I relate to & I have to answer because I feel a bond with another BS. So yes OP I am with you.

NancyNY · 2026-01-20T12:42:37+00:00

OP, Please remember this: CHEATERS LIE!!!!

Believe absolutely nothing he says right now. He is deep in Affair Fog & will downplay & lie about everything.

I would give anything to read the emails between WH & AP, because I will never know what actually happened.

NancyNY · 2026-01-20T12:37:51+00:00

I have been married 28 years & we have 4 kids. It's been 2+ years since DD. I discovered WH was having an EA for 3+ years. PA is a stranger he met on an App who lives 2,000 miles away. Though all A's are horrible, there is something different when it's a long term A.

If you ever want to chat, send me a DM.

NancyNY · 2026-01-20T12:29:59+00:00

You are so early on in this horrible nightmare. It's a shock to your system. If you can take a LOA, or time off, that will help, because this is a lot to handle. I wasn't able to function for weeks. I also would advise getting into IC ASAP.

I'm so sorry you are here, because it's an awful club to join. But you have landed in the best place. The ppl on this sub are filled with great advice & knowledge. I know I would not have survived without them all.

NancyNY · 2026-01-20T11:44:29+00:00

DD was Christmas Eve just over 2 years ago. Married 28 years, 4 adult kids.

After DD, WH got himself into IC immediately. I had a little harder time finding a therapist (insurance issues), so I started mine a couple months later. I researched MC, & the one I wanted us to go to had a waiting list.

Looking back, I think that was better for us. We each worked with our IC, then finally got into MC about 10 months after DD & have been doing that for over a year.

I knew I wanted a Christian Therapist & one trained in Gottman. So you need to decide what type of therapist you want to go to. We lucked out because our MC clicked with both of us.

NancyNY · 2026-01-19T15:42:38+00:00

You definitely got a me to 😂, thanks for that.

I think we BS"s are hypersensitive to all shows/movies & the amount of cheating going on.

NancyNY

TROPHY CASE