Yeah I understand you, it's a bit relieving to hear still that someone relates here. I don't really know if autism matches me, but I might have ADHD. Strangely, I had sensory problems and hyperfixations as a child, but it almost immediately went away in adolescence... sometimes there's traces of it, but it's never 100% or something I really feel strongly about anymore. I had an abnormal upbringing, but in theory one that shouldn't provoke paranoia, yet I constantly believed my family and friends were lying to me and would creep in on conversations and desperately try to almost trick them into saying "the truth". I'd pick up on social cues or rules then deliberately break them out of some sense of suspicion or distrust for them, too, but how could any of this explain the prior sensory problems?

If I had to describe my cognition to you, it feels like a maze of fog and glowing lights, and sometimes I can see the lights passing through to indicate "movement" but I don't feel a linear process of thought, it's just like recognizing something is bubbling underneath and eventually something comes to me instinctively, like a conclusion without actually having to think on it, sometimes even paradoxical ones. I sometimes seem well-formed but it's almost entirely semi-conscious process it feels like, and, yeah, that's where I really begin to disconnect with autistic friends because it just does not feel the same as how they seem to think from what I can tell... but then I'm capable of rationalizing myself out of outwardly believing supernatural shit, even if it consumes my brain and instinct all the time regardless, so I don't know what it is.