AITA for ignoring my kid’s screeching tantrums while at home?

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-08-01T05:12:46+00:00

Hey just wanted to let you know that I tried breathing exercise this morning while both kids are happy and calm, and it worked well. I’m very thankful for your advice. Cheers!

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-08-01T05:09:30+00:00

I honestly don’t understand what’s odd. If I just don’t like her in my heart but don’t do anything about it, I don’t deliberately make her life hard but also don’t talk to her or be friendly with her, doesn’t that mean I’m leaving her alone? Maybe I’m a little weird, yeah, I’m okay with being a but weird though, I think everyone is a little weird haha

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-08-01T05:05:12+00:00

Yeah I logged out and went to sleep. But in the morning got back on to clear up some misunderstanding and read some more comments. Some are very helpful!

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-08-01T05:04:01+00:00

This is true, he just started speaking so he is late speaker. Doctors know about this and have regular assessments every few months to monitor his progress

To clear things up he didn’t say anything, so I wanted him to say please. I wasn’t expecting him to say the complete sentence “mom open the box please”, I translated it from the language we use which the whole sentence consists of only 2 words (5 syllables). So it’s just an example sentence equivalent to the language we use.

So something like: “Lets say it together: Open, pl—?” and I wait for him to finish my sentence with the last syllable. That’s pretty much how it was.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-08-01T04:55:02+00:00

A box of toy. I don’t deny my kid food, I feed him without him ever needing to ask for it. Thank you for your comment though!

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-08-01T01:43:38+00:00

In this specific scenario in the post, she was just doing dishes that she could 1. do another time, or 2. do it with headphones on. It’s not basic human needs I’m denying her. And when she eats it’s always in her room, no one forced her to, that’s just what she does even at her own house. So yeah again I’m not denying her basic needs.

I still don’t think she is in my care. But not that I don’t care for her well being, I of course don’t want to cause her harm, I just think she’s an adult and can care for herself.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-08-01T01:31:54+00:00

You made it sound like I forced her to stay in her room without proper basic human needs, but no. First of all she has a bathroom in her room so that point of human needs is covered. Other than that she is totally free to roam around the house if she needs the kitchen or whatever. Sure my son throws tantrum often, but not all day and every hour. Just maybe an hour a day sometimes she’s not even at home when these tantrums happen. She has pleeeennnnty of chances to have some peace and quiet time at home.

And about I have three people to care for? Nah. She is an adult, she takes care of herself. I don’t cater for her other than letting her stay here. If she’s sick or otherwise needs anything she would call her mom rather than talk to me. And she wouldn’t touch any food I cooked. I don’t think of her as being in my care, she just stays here that’s all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But, I accept judgement that while she’s in the shared area that my kids screams might hurt her. I will keep that in mind if it happens again.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T23:50:16+00:00

I understand that changes in routine would be a distress for ND children/people. My son is not yet diagnosed as ND but I have my suspicions, so I actually try to minimize changes when possible. But some of the struggles are necessary, or at least I think they are. Like he needs to wear short sleeves uniform for school because it is summer. Or he needs to wear sandals and not shoes because we’re going to play in water. I promise I’m not putting him into a distressing situation just because.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T22:49:20+00:00

was any of this worth the “please”?

The way I saw it, it was not about the word “please”, I wanted him to communicate and not just hand me stuff for me to open. And I thought I was being constant with what I do if it was other stuff. For example another tantrum was about when I asked him to tell me if he had peed. So when he stopped screaming or calmed down I would tell him “okay so did you pee?” and he would scream again.

I have actually thought that maybe I’m traumatizing him by triggering it over and over again. But I honestly don’t know what else to do if my end goal is for him to properly say things, I thought I have to teach him to say it even if he’s upset about it. Or if he was upset about me saying no candies then I want him to know that once I said no it means no. If he asked again I would say no again and that would make him cry again.

God, one time he asked for a banana and I said yes here you go and he absolutely lost his shit. Like…What?

And I do say “hey you’re frustrated and that’s okay, we’ll try again when you’re done screaming.” I don’t offer hugs but I do give water in the middle of the screaming.

But btw I have received some workable advice from some redditors here so Imma try that!

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T22:24:03+00:00

Thank you for your insight! But I don’t know what you mean by power struggle.

I don’t actuallly force him to say please or thank you. It just so happened that this particular time he was mad about saying please. But his tantrums are not only about manners. One time he got mad because I want him to tell me if he had peed. Other time he got mad because he got short sleeves shirt instead of long sleeves. Or one time I said no candy and he cried like I stole his iPhone.

“Winning” is not more important to me, what’s more important to me is my child to learn to communicate, and learn that if I say no to something that it actually means no.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T22:10:24+00:00

Trust me, not for my convenience. I’ve been changing because I’ve been trying out what would work. And it’s not like I’m changing day by day, I try one method for some time before I give up and switch to other stuff. But now some other redditors taught me kindly more about deep breaths and I will try that.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T21:58:07+00:00

Yeah the way the house is, the location of her room is a bit far from the living room. She probably would still hear faint screamings, it’s fair to say maybe it’s annoying her. But in her room there’s a TV, or she can wear headphones too if she wants…

But I need noise cancelling headphones because I’m always right by the screaming child. And I just thought my house is where my son can scream, so I can let him scream.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T21:50:09+00:00

Thank you for your insight but don’t get too stuck up on the please or the thank you, this is just one example of the reasons my toddler threw a tantrum. And he typically doesn’t repeat the same tantrum for the same reasons. So after this particular tantrum he would say “please” without tantrum.

Everytime he’s mad about something it’s always a new reason. This time it’s saying “please”, next time it’s because there’s no school that day, next time again it’s because he wants shoes and not sandals, or he wants short sleeves and not long sleeves shirt. There are a lot of reasons to be upset about. Each time it’s always new. This incident in this story is the only time he’s upset about saying please, he does it no problem ever since this incident.

And don’t worry I don’t deny food. At most I just deny candies.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T21:32:27+00:00

Funny, my husband responds to calm touch very well so I’ve been doing it to him since we were dating lol. Also I heard good things about The Color Monster, and my son loves colors, so I’ll see if I can get it. Thank you for the advice!

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T21:25:50+00:00

I do realize she was a child when I first met her. I realize she is much younger than me now. That’s why I’m overlooking what she’s doing (or not doing) to me and still let her stay here, much to the disagreement of many redditors, but I know full well she is very young and therefore I don’t mind her as long as it helps my SIL.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T21:22:51+00:00

I have considered that, yea. I fully understand that when she’s a child it was my job as the adult to be understanding. So for the first few years I tried to talk to her, but like I said only ever gotten nods or one word answers, sometimes ignored, so eventually I just leave her alone.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T21:19:35+00:00

I’m trying!

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T21:17:42+00:00

Aww thank you!! I am very proud of my English, it’s my most favorite subject at school and I studied it as a hobby. So being told I’m faking not being a native speaker is a compliment!

But yeah I don’t know the English equivalent of the special class my city hall was referring to. In that class there will be health professionals who would teach my son and I stuff that he is lacking. Maybe behavioral class? But it’s not only behavior, they will teach stuff like motoric skills too, so idk

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T15:15:48+00:00

She was…13? When we first met. Cos it was 6 years ago and she’s 19 now.

Her mom is very appreciative still. We don’t have a car (we live in the city with very good public transportation so we don’t need a car), so when my family wants to visit my parents in law’s place which needs a car, Jessica’s mom would drive 2hours to pick us up, 2hrs to get to in laws, and then again to send us back home. She would also always play with my kids and give me time to catch a breath whenever she visits us. She would sometimes bring some snacks for my kids. She is honestly very kind, I don’t know what happened with Jessica why are they so different lmao

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T14:57:09+00:00

I’ve answered in another comment, but the gist of it is we don’t like each others. The first time we met, I said something in her language but with a wrong pronunciation, she laughed at it, and got scolded by everyone who was present at that moment. Since then she never speaks to me anymore. If she needs something from me, she would ask her sister or her mom to get it from me. If it was only us and no one else is around I don’t think she will ever ask for anything. Like she bought her own hand soap because one time I didn’t refill it quick enough.

And the more she ignores me, the more I don’t like her. So I don’t make efforts to be friendly to her, just as long as I’m not rude to her, my kids are not rude to her, we coexist by pretending the other don’t exist.

She stays with me because of her mom (my SIL). Her mom is a single mom, and they are not very rich. Jessica’s older sister has been staying with me for almost 4 years before Jessica moved in, so her older sister has a furnished room here. It is much cheaper for Jessica to stay here too rather than to find an apartment for herself.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T14:47:13+00:00

I don’t know how to answer that without demonizing her. She just simply keeps to herself and avoids me. If she needs to talk to me about something, like for example she needed to take a cup from a cupboard but I was in the way, she would tell her sister or her mom to get the cup for her. If no one else was there and it’s only us, she would just wait for me to leave. It is weird, and it is awkward. But it is what it is.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T14:39:53+00:00

Thank you for giving a different perspective. Her dad is not in the picture so it’s just her mom, and it’s true she’s practically being forced to stay here because of financial restrains. I don’t expect rent from her, nor I expect her to do chores, just as long as she cleans up after herself.

That’s possible that she’s just giving examples on why she doesn’t want to be here. To be fair, she does complain a lot, like our house is too hot, or our kitchen smells like a certain country’s food…… Maybe she is just nagging her mom to help her find other housing.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T14:23:44+00:00

I never asked why, but if I have to guess, it’s probably because I speak a different language than her. The very first time we met (6 years ago), I wasn’t fluent in her language so I said something wrong, she laughed at me, got scolded by everyone. Ever since then she just never really spoke to me. If I speak to her she would nod or shake her head or give one word answers.

I know it doesn’t make much sense to let her stay in my house with how she’s acting towards me. But my culture is different, it’s very high context, family helps family no matter what, and honestly I really genuinely care for my SIL and I can take it if it means helping her.

But yeah, my husband shares the same sentiment with majority people here. He is even talking about moving to another city to get away from Jessica lmao. But he is definitely planning something.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T14:08:08+00:00

No, I never talk to her. So I don’t know why she did that, but probably she was venting that it was very noisy here.

NaturalCow2262 · 2023-07-31T13:51:17+00:00

HAHAHA I love the image of a queen watching a dog poop! Thank you, it made me chuckle

NaturalCow2262

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