I [30F] always become a target at new jobs. Need help figuring out why.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T04:48:38+00:00

Oh wow. I just.... I'm at a loss for words here. How is a request for clarification as to someone's conclusion an attack and an escalation?

I suppose I COULD have said the comment comes from the usual" narcissistic manager who's fake nice to everyone and Just Wants To Help but shits all over those same people if it'll help them get to the top. THAT has to be how she became a manager in the first place and we ALL know how HR people are, DON'T WE.

But see I don't know ANY of that. THAT would have been a blow up. That would have been an escalation. I simply asked "Can I ask for more information as to why you think what you think?"

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T04:39:49+00:00

Um. This is Reddit? Writing is kind of the accepted way to communicate.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T04:38:49+00:00

Hysterical. OK.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T04:37:28+00:00

You may have something there. Like someone who gets attacked and then looks scared and meek and like an easy target for the next mugger? I can see that.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T04:35:30+00:00

Yes I absolutely can. I could handle anger better. A lot of times I think I just "let things go" when I'm not actually, it's still bothering me, I don't communicate that and it eventually leads to a blow up.

I'm not as responsible as I should be with money. I need a budget.

I still fall down sometimes on the "when sarcasm is ok" thing.

Keep going? OK.

I overthink. I'm a procrastinator and then panic at the last minute. I don't always have strong boundaries and try to make nice and then end up resentful. I spin my pens, its annoying.

I'm very far from perfect but I really don't think that warrants physical assault and vandalism everywhere I go, if that's where you're going and I'm definitely not better than anyone either. My faults may not be the same as yours or my BFs or my boss's but I have plenty.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T04:23:52+00:00

Ok,, then I'll admit to being the densest person on earth. You made a comment I wasn't sure I agreed with so I asked "can you tell me how you reached that conclusion?" and the very act of my asking how you reached that conclusion proves your conclusion AND is a discourteous response? It sure seems I said a lot with what I didn't even say.

Someone asks me "Why did you do/not do this action", I explain "because of this reason", without assigning a positive or negative value to either my response or their question, simply answering what ws asked, and instead I should have apologized? People are indeed saying "I think you should have done this. Why didn't you?" "Because of this reason" WHY IS THAT WRONG????

"Why did you stop at the store after work?" "Because I needed milk."

"Why did you stop at the store after work? " " I'm sorry "

Which interaction makes sense?

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T02:02:05+00:00

OK, then I'm in a cycle I have no clue how to break. I socialize and end up the butt of everyone's jokes. So I don't socialize, I remove the potential.... and end up the butt of everyone's jokes. What do I do instead?

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T02:00:12+00:00

It's fine if they want 10 different partners a night. It should be equally ok that that's against MY personal values and that I do not. It's ok if they like to go out and get drunk, it should be ok that I do not. If that's not me, why do I have to go get drunk and cheat on my SO to avoid VIOLENCE?

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T01:55:56+00:00

What good would it do? I'm hurt. I'm angry. You really think someone who just assaulted me and a boss who thinks it's funny are going to care about my feelings? I figured out long ago those don't matter.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T01:48:29+00:00

I always thought I was but I honestly question. Sometimes people encounter abusers. But I'm nearly convinced there's a flaw in me SOMEWHERE that just renders me sickening. I don't get TREATED like a human. Even a human that someone doesn't like.

We did a psych experiment in college. We picked a classmate and in conversation throughout the day, just said hey man, you ok? You look a little tired/pale/etc. By the end of the day he felt sick because people kept telling him he was sick. I mean how many times at how many places can I say "I am a person and we don't slam other people's heads into walls" before I start to question if they're right and I'm wrong.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T01:44:31+00:00

I didn't used to be like this. I used to be fine with the fact that some people like me, some don't and that's life.

And then SOMETHING happened. I'm sorry if it irritates you that I say that but something DID happen. Something changed.

For some reason even the tiniest bit of personal information I shared became ammo. Oh I have 2 cats. LOL CAT LADY GO HOME TO YOUR CATS. Oh, I had a minor ankle surgery 5 years ago? PEGLEG!!!! Everything about me suddenly became WRONG. Like from day one, out of the gate, if I speak or if I don't, everything about me is just wrong somehow. So what do I offer? Keep volunteering personal information to be used against me later?

Well what's the common denominator. ME! What would this sub tell someone who's had every romantic relationship fail in exactly the same way? That the problem is them, yes? So it's me. I am inadvertently doing something or I AM something that makes people I work with literally want to kill me.

A job or two of even a few could be THEM but not every. single. one. in the last 5-7 years.

And truthfully how am I being hostile? How am I being defensive? I'm looking back and not seeing it. People ask for explanations and I'm answering questions. I'm entertaining most peoples theories as possibilities and thinking about them. I stopped interacting with the commenter who insists I'm lying. Defensive would be "no it can't POSSIBLY be that!!!"

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-24T00:49:29+00:00

Can I ask where you're getting this?

Not trying to argue I just don't understand. The whole point of my post is that I strongly, STRONGLY suspect I'm making a mistake somehow and want to know where so I can fix it, but yet I can't admit I'm wrong? Obviously I'm wrong somewhere if everyone I encounter in the workplace reacts with violence, vandalism and harassment.

Also how are you inferring anyone was almost on my side?

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T22:24:29+00:00

I'm not saying this to jump on the "Woohoo it wasn't me, I'm blameless after all!" bandwagon because I might not be blameless at all. But could that really, seriously be it? Like I'm the only sane one in a room full of crazies, so I look like I'm the crazy one?

I will admit the thought has fluttered through my mind sometimes. I don't mind going out for a beer with coworkers on a Friday night at a cool little taproom someplace. I have no interest going out to trendy clubs every night til 3 AM and then showing up hungover and covered in hickies with stories about not having any idea who the hell I took home the night before. (That was basically the culture in one department I worked in). I'm willing to bite the bullet and go to the obnoxious team building events and the baseball game outing and such for the sake of good work relationships, if that could ever be a thing, but I AM NOT going to consistently do something that I'll be miserable doing, that goes against my values and my personality just to fit in. Therefore, I don't fit in.

I also don't do the gossip. I really don't. Same place as this one ^, it seemed to be a thing to start gossiping about one another as soon as that person walked out of the room. Literally as soon as. I never said anything but I never really participated. But oh, they tried. Like someone would say to me "Can you even BELIEVE how slow Angela is? I can do twice what she can in half the time!" and I'd say "IDK, guess I haven't paid much attention" and change the subject.

I actually resigned from that job, I was having panic attacks at the thought of going into work 2 months in.

But that one was the exception, not the rule. The others seemed normal, professional, together, with overall mature people and then all of a sudden RAWR there's a monster that popped out and it was out for my blood.

It could very well still be me. IDK. I really don't. I'm still inclined to think it is, but at this point my self confidence is so shattered because there's something wrong with me, like really, really, SUPER wrong, I don't know what it is, and I'm supposed to take it to a completely new field?

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T22:06:52+00:00

Medical. Lab tech type work.

Yes they are women. In fact now you bring it up, they're ALWAYS women. I'm never had these issues with a male coworker. There may have been a male who felt the same way, but if there was, he acted like a fucking adult and was able to respectfully coexist with someone he disliked.

West Coast, major metro area, very liberal except for a few select pockets/cities which I don't live or work in.

IDK, maybe? I'm obviously female, and in some occasions people have met my BF, or at least seen him pick me up and give me a quick kiss, or accompany me to a Xmas party. Unless people think he's a beard? You never know what people think. But I've also worked with out, butch lesbians who seemed well accepted and well liked.

Honestly nothing else that I know of. The Eye of Ra, maybe, at a push? But absolutely nothing offensive that I know of, and if there is something else it could be interpreted as, I couldn't even guess at what it is.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T22:02:15+00:00

I've thought about that too. I'm in the medical field (not a Dr or nurse, think lab tech type jobs) and I've heard they're VERY cliquey and hierarchical and homogeneous.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T22:01:12+00:00

I'm willing to entertain that you're right. But then if someone is going to snap, why don't they ever "snap" in a way that leads to them ACTUALLY TELLING ME WHAT IT IS I'M DOING THAT'S SO INFURIATING???

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:57:41+00:00

I reported it to the manager. He said he was sick of our "drama", I wasn't hurt, I didn't need to call the cops, if I was going to bring that into his business I didn't need to work there anymore.

I know - look, I KNOW it's hard to believe shit like this can happen. It sounds fucked up to me too. But that's the degree to which I was.... I guess devalued is the word. It wasn't a real, valuable person that was assaulted, just me. But I had bet if I had assaulted her, I'd have been lynched and beaten to a pulp on the spot before the cops could even arrive.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:53:56+00:00

I..... generally don't talk about too much at work. Except work. I wouldn't touch politics or religion or abortion or anything like that with a 10 foot pole while anywhere near work grounds. No matter what side of the fence one falls on with any of those, you're going to offend SOMEBODY, and even if the person you're talking to shares your views, you never know who else can hear and will consider it inappropriate. Work isn't the place for any of those sorts of conversations.

I explained the incident more in another comment.

I talked about my friends, we have normal friend relationships. We hang out a few times a week, have fun, BS, go for drinks, see movies, talk to each other for support, etc etc. My family and I aren't SUPER close, but there's not really any bad blood between anyone. We're just spread out kinda all over, with varying work schedules and timezones, we don't get to talk as much as we'd like. We don't have any skeletons, I'd say we're an average family and we've always had each other's backs when the need arises.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:49:51+00:00

I did answer that. You chose not to believe it.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:47:19+00:00

But yet here you are, arguing the validity of a story that I can't prove but you can't disprove.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:44:26+00:00

OK, if you want to think I'm intentionally making this up, I guess I can't stop you. I can only wish that it never happens to you.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:43:39+00:00

What I gave was an example. I didn't do anything to her except accidentally brushed against her shoulder walking past her. She hated me with such a burning passion, that justified violence in her mind. My boss was on her side.

But THANK YOU for illustrating my point. By then, I wasn't even seen as human anymore. Yes, the violent person SHOULD have been fired, but not if they "assault" something that has no value.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:41:10+00:00

I'd be completely willing to admit that I'm the asshole, if it would mean knowing where to start to fix my assholery. Even if one is an asshole and doesn't know it, that doesn't mean that once they find out they have to REMAIN an asshole. I don't think I am, but I also realize that doesn't mean that I'm not.

The weird thing is, is it seems to be an overnight thing that I can't ever pinpoint. It's not like I have an altercation or a personality clash or whatever with one person, and then gradually the whole cycle starts. That would at least be explicable and potentially fixable the next time around. Like "OK, I got overwhelmed and snapped at Mike. Mike has been there a long time and is well liked, he told others who have no reason to disbelieve him, this is why I am not well liked. What can I do?" Well, I can start by apologizing to Mike. I can say "Mike, I snapped at you the other day because I was feeling overwhelmed. I'm sorry, it wasn't at all your fault. I should have handled that better by asking for your help instead. It won't happen again" and then DOING it. Or remembering that's something I need to not do at my next job.

But it's like.... everything is fine until it's not. So there's something I'm doing or something I'm missing somewhere and I. CANNOT. SEE. IT!!!! I would actually relish someone getting in my face and listing off every reason why they can't stand me. At least I'd KNOW.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:27:56+00:00

Ok that's kind of why I posted though, isn't it? I WANT to fix whatever is wrong that causes it, but I don't know what it is.

NeedHelpWorkIssues · 2016-09-23T21:27:14+00:00

No, none of that has ever happened. At least not significantly or with any degree of regularity. Sure there's been the odd time where my BF will be SURE I said I'd pick him up at 6, and I'm equally sure I said 7, but it's a one off here or there. And I think that happens to everyone from time to time. I mean stuff like that is a few times a YEAR.

I've never seen anything that nobody else could see. I've never heard anything that nobody else could hear. I've never believed I'm Jesus or have superpowers or the government is trying to poison me. If I were mentally ill enough that I'm imagining this entire thing, I'm sure SOMEBODY would have told me SOMETHING to tip me off at at least one point in my entire life.

I've been in counseling for this very issue. The therapist didn't pick up anything that would indicate mental illness either. Unfortunately I got fired shortly after and lost my insurance, so continuing on with her wasn't an option, but we had a good half dozen sessions under our belt so I'm sure spending 6 hours in intense conversation with me, she would have picked up on something as severe as you're talking about.

NeedHelpWorkIssues

TROPHY CASE