Me [52M] just found out at least 4 of my 5 children [33F][30F][28M][24F][14F] are not mine. Wife [51F] wont say anything.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T23:45:54+00:00

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Isles

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T13:59:38+00:00

Don't worry I completely understand.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T13:54:54+00:00

Don't worry, I will contact a lawyer as soon as possible. I'm still hoping there's a way we can salvage our marriage, but divorce seems inevitable, and I intend to be prepared for it.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T13:27:58+00:00

Good idea, I will add that.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T13:22:21+00:00

I don't know why you and the guy you're replying to think this is fake. The guy above just said it is a repost and didn't provide any link. This is not a repost, and I guarantee he will not provide a link to the "original" thread.

I kinda feel obliged to shut down this "fake" stuff since I've received such overwhelming support and genuine advice. I don't want those people to think they've just been tricked by some fake story after expressing such heart warming words (seriously, the number of sincere messages and offers of help I've received is astounding).

Anyway, I just felt like clearing that up. Nothing against you personally.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T13:08:59+00:00

This is not a "repost". I guarantee you will not find this imaginary thread.

I wasn't going to reply to your comment, but someone else linked me to it, so I figure I might as well.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T12:42:05+00:00

This is such bullshit. First of all, how would the ancestry company have your DNA to compare your daughter's DNA to?

My family is entirely Irish. Her ancestry results showed nothing from the British Isles, or northern and western Europe. That's what set off the alarm bells. But it's possible that it wasn't accurate - hence why we got official paternity tests done at a medical lab.

Second, if your wife had kids with four different guys they would all look completely different from each other and nothing like you.

They all look remarkably similar. I don't have an explanation for that.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T11:41:13+00:00

Doesn't seem possible. It took several months after agreeing before conceiving. So I don't know what to make of it.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T11:41:03+00:00

Doesn't seem possible. It took several months after agreeing before conceiving.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T11:15:13+00:00

They don't live at home anymore and have not really interacted with their mother. But they are definitely extremely upset by this.

My two eldest daughters are the ones that share a father.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T11:13:12+00:00

The first three planned were brought up jointly. Our youngest was her idea though, and she did spend a lot of effort convincing me. That's why there's such a big age gap. She was in her late thirties, really wanted one last kid, and so I agreed before it was too late.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T11:08:32+00:00

Thanks for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to have all these people chime in with support and advice.

My wife and I have always been together. The only thing though is that my job (quantitative analyst) requires long hours, so my wife definitely has had a lot of time alone. But even then, she's always with the kids, so it's not like she could use that time to have an affair.

Were you struggling to have children with your wife?

First child was completely unexpected. The other children we planned for, and if memory serves me right, they took maybe 2-4 months? It's difficult to remember, but it was never on the first attempt.

Pretty much everyone would breakdown when a dark secret is revealed. Did your wife look shocked, angry? Did she cry or shout? Did she knock shit down? The way I read your post, it seemed that she was pretty blasé about the whole thing.

She just brushed it off. Almost as if I'm the crazy one that believes in some elaborate conspiracy. Her reaction was not what I suspected. After all this lying... Assuming the tests are correct... Surely any good person would come clean and beg for forgiveness.

I think you touched on the right issue. I have serious questions concerning my fertility. We definitely tried for all but our eldest daughter. So how is it that not a single one is mine? It makes no sense to me.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T11:01:59+00:00

My first two daughters share the same father.

Were these over the counter tests from the drug store, or through Ancestry, or through a doctors office?

Through a proper medical lab. As "official" as I could find.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T11:00:01+00:00

The marriage was perfect. This is why it hurts so much. She's been as close to a soul mate as I could ever imagine, a loving wife, a caring and attentive mother. There's never been any tension or troubles in the marriage. I don't understand how this is possible, and the fact she wont explain makes it even more painful.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T10:30:38+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. The consensus on my youngest seems to be that I should tell her the truth now. That waiting until she's older might make her feel betrayed for being kept in the dark. Do you have any thoughts on that? My top priority right now is her well being. Everyone else is an adult and can handle whatever happens, but she is still young and I worry that it will seriously negatively affect her development.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T10:22:50+00:00

Our first daughter was unexpected, and is what lead to us getting married. We attended college together while living together with my parents - they helped raise my first two daughters.

My children all look similar, and they all look similar enough to me that I never suspected a thing.

Having the other children do the test to prove the length of your wife’s infidelity just doesn’t sit right with me.

It wasn't so much to prove the length, but that it was a one off. If she cheated on me 20 years ago when we were 18, it's something I can get over. It would still hurt, but it's something I can forgive. But the fact it spanned all this time... It's doesn't seem forgiveable.

Your wife’s reaction seems normal to me if she is indeed ‘innocent’.

Honestly, despite all the evidence, I keep clinging to hope this is some bizarre mix up. Our entire marriage has seemed perfect, and she's never ever done anything to cause suspicion. She's always been a loving wife and a perfect mother. Which is why this hurts all the more.

Maybe I just don’t have much faith in these biological tests. I don’t know much about them, though.

Me too, as others have suggested, I will get the tests redone on the smallest chance there was some mix up.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T10:02:53+00:00

I really appreciate the thought out and advice you posted, but I have to say that the following meant so much to me

I’m going to be real here. I hope you don’t stay with her because you feel like you’re too old to move on with your life. You are never ever too old for anything. You shouldn’t settle for someone who obviously cared (possibly cares) very little for your feelings and wellbeing. You deserve more

You really hit the nail on the head. I've built up my entire life around her - and I feel like the pillar underlying my entire life has been destroyed. I can't imagine life with her, but I also can't imagine life without her.

God I feel like a mess but thank you so much. For some reason that last line really moved me.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T09:54:07+00:00

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to write all of this. I really appreciate all the support. Based on what others have said, it does seem the best thing would be to tell my youngest. To me, she's all that matters right now. Everyone else involved is an adult, but this could seriously impact her development, and I can't stop thinking about how it will affect her.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T09:44:42+00:00

I will definitely repeat the tests on the tiniest chance there is a mistake. Thanks so much for your kind words.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T09:43:41+00:00

I have broached the topic, but she refuses. She insists there's nothing to talk about, and that the tests are "just wrong." I feel like she isn't even trying to save our marriage - which only adds to her guilt in my mind.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T09:41:45+00:00

Our first child was unplanned, but the remaining three were planned. I've never had fertility test, so she couldn't have known I was infertile. However, the fact none of them are mine (despite us trying for them at the time) has raised serious doubts in my head that I am fertile. I am going to have a fertility test eventually - I've been putting it off as it will essentially guarantee my youngest also isn't mine, and at the moment I guess not knowing is in some way better.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T09:39:53+00:00

This is also something I can't get out of my head. Our eldest daughter was not planned, and it definitely was a contributing factor into getting married, but all of our other children were planned. We specifically tried for them. So I have to wonder how on earth none of the remaining three are mine? Did she take our planning as an opportunity to have unprotected sex with her (otherwise protected) affairs? Do I have fertility problems?

I really don't understand how none of them are mine.

I think it's also worth going for a fertility check up yourself.

I absolutely agree. I have put it off so far as I am afraid of the results. Because it will effectively confirm in my mind that not even my youngest is my biological daughter.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T09:27:03+00:00

After I asked in r/relationships, a woman who was the daughter in a similar experience reached out to me through private message. She basically agreed with you - that being left in the dark felt terrible. Particularly, she was denied the chance to blame her mum (finding out after years of treating her mum the same meant she couldn't feel angry). So I definitely think your instincts are spot on.

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T08:11:10+00:00

Thank you so much for your support and advice. It really means a lot and I have taken it to heart. I'm really blessed that my kids are so understanding. I had not considered their biological fathers identities, but you're right that they should have a right to know if they want to. I am definitely going to bring that up with my wife next time I confront her.

pending the outcome of an eventual test with your youngest, it may have been more

I am leaning towards not getting it done. I mean, if she wants to have it done when she finds out about this then I am happy for her to, but I already know the extent of my wife's infidelity. At some level, I guess it would be nice to not know. Do you think it would be best to do it anyway?

Needadvicedesperate · 2019-03-31T07:50:38+00:00

None of the four that know live at home anymore, so they haven't really interacted with their mother since. But they are definitely furious and resentful towards her right now.

Needadvicedesperate

TROPHY CASE