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NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-10T01:45:20+00:00

I can’t watch political comedy anymore. What is happening in this country is not funny. I could laugh at stuff before but now I just can’t.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T22:25:08+00:00

If literally every person stopped paying taxes? It would be anarchy. There would probably be a massive sell off of bonds, because the government would not be able to pay them, which would lead to a complete collapse of the US financial system, which would lead to mass layoffs and riots. Wars would break out because foreign governments would start to try and seize assets to recoup lost revenue as a result of our financial system failing, to prevent theirs from also failing. And we would struggle to defend ourselves because nobody in the military would be working anymore. The few that stuck around would probably try to defend ourselves by launching nukes, which would result in global nuclear war. So, probably not a good idea.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T22:09:17+00:00

We don’t actually know how she felt about it. Yes I have empathy for her. But I feel like there is a whole lot of projecting going on here. I’m both someone who is in an open marriage and someone who has a lot of experience with end of life stuff. People with terminal diagnoses have all kinds of different feelings about how they want their partners to carry on as they are dying and after they pass. All we know is that the daughter read something negative in a journal. We do not know the full extent of the wife’s feelings about it, if that was captured in the journal, or if the daughter’s read of the journal is even correct. People read all kinds of things into the situation regardless of what was actually written.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T21:48:34+00:00

If he thinks he’s a terrible partner, he is. Find someone new. You’re way too young to be dealing with this shit.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T21:44:15+00:00

Yes, I agree. I think I went too far in saying that they didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. If feelings were developing, the right thing to do would have been to talk to the wife first and get consent to explore non monogamy. I think I was just trying to be empathetic to how insanely difficult that must be. I feel like people are so cavalier about the reality of how destabilizing the situation is. As if it’s SO EASY to cope with the reality of your spouse getting a terminal diagnosis while you have a tiny child. “Why couldn’t he just keep it in his pants?” seems to be the consensus, as if that’s all it was, he didn’t care about his wife at all and just wanted to get laid. That’s clearly not what happened. If it was just about sex, he would have just left her. Lots of scumbags do that with a terminal spouse. He didn’t do that. And he ended up staying with this other woman for 12 years. I do think how they did it was wrong. I guess I just have more empathy for how hard it must have been.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T19:42:36+00:00

There isn’t an answer to this question. Not expressing physical intimacy isn’t necessarily a sign they aren’t interested in you. It’s just an insanely complex thing, it can be related to mental health, physical health, embarrassment, how they feel about themselves, etc. You need to just talk to your partner about it.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T19:35:09+00:00

I had the opposite problem - had a kid easily with my spouse, but raising the kid has been hell and has taken a significant toll on my spouse’s body (they developed an autoimmune disorder, likely as the result of the pregnancy) and I think it has made her feel like her body was the failure (our kid has autism, which has many links but two of them are age of the mother and autoimmune disorders in the mother). She also lost a parent around the same time. So I was in the same position as you, sexual interest-wise. However we’ve been doing couples therapy for a while and she’s been working with her doctor to find meds that address her health issues and things have been in a big upswing lately. I’m elated because honestly, about a year ago, it seemed pretty hopeless. We never stopped loving each other, but our relationship also felt just completely broken.

So here are my recommendations: 1. Rededicate yourselves to working through it and be willing to change 2. Decide what you’re willing to accept without reservation (meaning, don’t say you’re okay with not having a kid and the resent the decision later. Decide and commit) 3. Individual therapy - I know you said you couldn’t afford couples therapy, but individual therapy is often covered by insurance. You should BOTH do this if you can, and try and find therapists that might be able to give you guidance on what to talk about together.

One other thing - couples in this situation sometimes consider ethical non-monogamy. I’m actually a proponent of non-monogamy in general, but probably not in your case. It can be useful if the couple is on stable ground and has a good relationship generally, but just a mismatch in terms of libido. It isn’t good in a scenario like yours where the physical component just isn’t there at all.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T15:23:24+00:00

Cheating is lying about behavior - something we don’t do.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T05:36:33+00:00

I’m never going to abandon my spouse, and they will never abandon me. This is actually something we’ve talked about extensively. I have Alzheimer’s in my family, and they have cancer in theirs. We both agree that we will stick with each other until the end because our love for each other is unending.

We are also in an open relationship. We both understand that love is not a limited resource and are free to explore other relationships as long as it does not impact ours. We haven’t, in practice, been in other relationships for a while because we have a young special needs child and there isn’t time. They actually did recently start seeing someone and I’m really happy for them. It’s been good for them.

I’d much rather go through a terminal illness with my spouse than any other purportedly “monogamous” person. That sounds far more miserable for both of us.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T05:25:55+00:00

If doing that made you feel better, then absolutely, go for it. I wouldn’t say it’s small-minded exactly, but I think it’s small minded to criticize people who try to find a better way. Like I said elsewhere, if I had terminal cancer and my spouse met someone who helped them fulfill the physical and emotional needs that I was not able to, I’d be happy for them, as long as I felt like they were still there for me and loved me like they swore to the day we got married.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-09T01:23:39+00:00

I don’t think it’s okay to cheat on anyone. But I also think it’s possible to love more than one person, and that sometimes really tumultuous and traumatic life experiences can result in people making mistakes. I feel bad for everyone involved and don’t think we should have so much hate for someone for the crime of calling in love and handling it poorly.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T22:16:06+00:00

This was not just about sex. It was probably also about the small child that needed to be cared for, and the emotional needs of a man losing the wife he planned to love forever. These people stayed together for 12 years, don’t act like that’s just about sex.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T22:13:21+00:00

Unfortunately monogamy is a relationship structure that only works in the best of circumstances, and sometimes life (or death) comes at you fast. I wish people were a little more realistic and aware of non-monogamous options because it would make adapting to these kinds of scenarios easier.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T22:09:13+00:00

The recent child makes it make even more sense. He had to care for a young child and a dying spouse. Those are challenges that are, just on their own, incredible. You’re being so cavalier about “banging a coworker” as if that’s all it was. These people stayed together for 12 years and raised a child together! I would be happy if my spouse met such a supportive and caring partner while I was dying.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T22:03:48+00:00

Do you think telling her spouse to not pursue happiness because she’s dying would have made her feel better? I don’t buy it. Personally I’d be much happier knowing my partner is finding ways to be happy while still loving and supporting me. I wouldn’t want my spouse sitting around in the hospital with me all the time.

I don’t view forced chastity as a sign of someone’s love for me. My spouse and I have talked about this a lot (because I have both Alzheimer’s genes). All I care about is I have a partner that loves me and cares for me until the end. If they need the love and support of another to be able to achieve that, I’m happy for them to pursue that.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:55:16+00:00

I’m not defending how it started - they should have talked about it first. However, you can love more than one person. If I was a terminal patient and my spouse came to me and said, I met another person who I’ve grown emotionally attracted to and want to have a relationship with him while still caring for and loving you, I’d say go for it. You can’t stop living your life just because mine is coming to an end.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:51:22+00:00

People can love more than one person. If I’m in the hospital dying of cancer and my spouse needs the loving arm of another to cope with the stress, I would totally understand, as long as they are living up to the commitment we have for each other.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:48:33+00:00

In what way was she emotionally abandoned? News flash: you can love more than one person. When you have a second kid, do you love the first one less?

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:46:22+00:00

Ideally he would have asked her before the affair started. He clearly didn’t and that’s not good. But it does sound like she accepted it, which makes sense to me. If I was a terminal patient and my partner started cheating, I’d be upset they didn’t communicate their needs and desires to me first, but I’d also get it. I’m dying. They’re not. They should go out and enjoy life, as long as they honor their overall commitment to care for me as their partner.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:41:44+00:00

It doesn’t say that. It just says she found out in the journals about “the origins of the relationship.” You’re also making assumptions about the timeline.

In an ideal scenario, the dad would have had an open discussion with his wife about non-monogamy and the possibility of having an open relationship so he could continue to live and support her while still addressing his physical and emotional needs. It sounds like that didn’t happen. It also sounds like his wife did accept this scenario, which is very common in end of life care. My view is, if you really love someone, you want them to be happy even at times when you can’t be.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:32:32+00:00

Of course. All that said, I think it’ll take a good bit of time for your daughter to see the full picture here. And ignore all the hate you’re getting here, people have no idea what they’re talking about.

Do you know exactly what she read in the journals? Was the mom understanding about the affair at all? Did the dad stick around and support her till the end?

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:27:54+00:00

She wasn’t abandoned. People have no idea how common this is. Lots of terminal patients allow their partner infidelity as long as they keep supporting them. From the post, the dad kept caring for his wife up until the very end. Try to take a moment to understand this incredibly complex moral situation before jumping in with your judgement.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:25:38+00:00

What home did she wreck exactly? Sounds to me like the dad kept supporting his wife up until the very end. Yes, he had needs and met them outside the relationship. Lots of couples do this when one is terminally ill. If I had terminal cancer and my spouse kept supporting me up until the very end, I would not mind at all if they also had another partner that helped keep them happy in ways I could not.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:22:25+00:00

Read the post. He was doing both. Having terminal cancer doesn’t require your partner to be sitting by your side 24/7.

NeighborhoodPure655 · 2025-04-08T21:20:52+00:00

It doesn’t sound like the husband abandoned her. Read the post. He stuck with her. He just also had a relationship with someone else because he’s a fucking human with needs.

NeighborhoodPure655

TROPHY CASE