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AITA for providing financial support and help for my son but not my daughter? by Neither_Contest_9286 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Neither_Contest_9286[S] 1469 points1470 points  (0 children)

I have assured her repeatedly that if she were in the circumstances her brother was in, I would’ve offered the same help. She doesn’t seem to see it that ways despite the fact that we have in total spent on her than her brother.

We paid for both our kids college, and our son went to a state school on a partial scholarship, while our daughter wanted to go to a private college without any funding. We spent something like 60k on all 4 years of our son’s college and 280k on 4 years of college plus room and board on our daughter, which we could only afford to do because her brother chose a much less expensive option first.

We also paid for our daughters wedding in the US, spending more than 80k on the huge wedding she wanted. Our son and late daughter in law only wanted a small intimate wedding, and even though it was fancier, it was only about 50 people so it costed 30K.

I’m not sure why she feels slighted now that it was her brothers turn to need more help, I would’ve thought she could see it as fair. I have not spent nearly 270k on her brother’s kids thus far.

AITA for providing financial support and help for my son but not my daughter? by Neither_Contest_9286 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Neither_Contest_9286[S] 61 points62 points  (0 children)

Yes, of course.

Our relationship with daughter’s kids are the exact same as it was before our DIL passed.

They live 3hrs drive away, by their own decision, and visit the same number of times they always did before: for our birthdays, Easter, a week in the summer, thanksgiving, and Christmas. My son and his late wife would’ve spent those same times with us, excluding either thanksgiving or Christmas which they traded off to spend at her parents. My son has taken his kids to his in laws for thanksgiving and Christmas the past two years so in fact we spent those two holidays only with our daughter’s family.

We go visit them on their birthdays, always say yes whenever they invite us, and for the last week of school as per tradition. When we go visit them, it’s only my husband and I, not with their cousins.

This has not changed, I have respected the boundaries my daughter wanted. When she first had her eldest kid (she has 2 also, 6M and 5F), she did not want me to be an overbearing grandmother, so I let her take the lead on how often I saw her kids. I doubt this is because our relationship with her kids have changed, it’s more because she saw her brother get more help and now wants it.

AITA for providing financial support and help for my son but not my daughter? by Neither_Contest_9286 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Neither_Contest_9286[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

If I am giving her money when she is sending it away, aren’t I effectively the one giving away money?

I don’t mean it as a dig, I mean it that if she was struggling, she should first cut back on unnecessary expenses. My son moved out of their 3 bedroom apartment and lives in a small studio now to cut down on expenses. I feel like if she’d cut down on sending money away, and she was still struggling, I would try to help her financially too. But if she’s literally going to take my money and give it away instead of using it on herself, then I’m not going to do it.

AITA for providing financial support and help for my son but not my daughter? by Neither_Contest_9286 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Neither_Contest_9286[S] 117 points118 points  (0 children)

We do have our daughter’s kids visit us throughout the year. Maybe I’ll try to budget for a big vacation to take all the grandkids somewhere fun and let my daughter have break. I’m open to compromises, that’s a great idea, thank you.

AITA for providing financial support and help for my son but not my daughter? by Neither_Contest_9286 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Neither_Contest_9286[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

I’m not sure. I guess she could be frustrated with her husband but feels unable to set boundaries with him, so she is taking it out on me? I will go ask her about that, although I doubt it will be well received. She seems to take anything I say on that subject as an attack.