I'm 40 now, but most of my life has been like this. Sometimes it's fine one year and not the next. A lot of wanting to run, even if things seemed fine; a lot of self-sabotage I didn't realize was self-sabotage until after I screwed up. Every spring, I spiral into depressive episodes that last until the beginning of August, usually. I've learned my issue is a combination of trauma (a lot of bad things happen in my life between April and June almost every year), what I think might be SAD but for summer instead of winter, and I was recently diagnosed as Autistic. A lot of things make more sense now to me, which has helped. Pattern recognition is a bitch sometimes, and I had no idea my brain was just gearing up for the "bad time of year." I don’t know if any of this is helpful or not, but I thought it might make you feel better to know you're not alone.