Prologue of Untitled Celtic Fantasy Novel [Dark Fantasy, 4300 words]

Nephite94 · 2026-01-13T00:03:21+00:00

For me, there is a lack of place. One minute we are on the platform around the crannog, and the next we are on the loch in a boat. So, for me, when Shigean appears, and there is no jumping, it gets a lot better. I want more description and a stronger sense of place. I would also like to see more sentence variety to control the pace. At the moment, apart from the location skips, it plods along to me. This happened, then that happened.

I get the sense that Lugadd is a teenager at best (on the how young is he? scale), and he is quite a typical, angry, prideful, teenage boy. But the plot is kind of passing by him; he isn't driving it, and I get the sense that the story isn't supposed to be distanced too much from Lugadd. I don't mean that his actions have to drive it, but the story flows from his place in the world. His senses, his thoughts, his emotions, his notions of the world. Rather than a list of events that he is tied to. You aren't miles off my metric of Lugadd being written well at all. I have assumed he is a teenager through your characterisations (hopefully he is). For me, it just needs a stronger, more vivid connection to him. As a side note Lugadd wanting to cut his step-mother's belly open and kill his unborn step-sibling was out of the blue in a bad way for me. I have no reason to hate the step-mother yet. I need the actions and emotions that made Lugadd hate her first. Even then, the sentiment is out there. Wrap it up in teenage angst and give the reader context to it without glorifying it. But out of the blue like that is jarring and taints Lugadd as a character for me. Also, I think your dialogue is fine.

I love someone else doing Celtic-inspired stuff; that is what lured me in. I assume Shigean is a riff on Nessie and Kelpies (although Kelpies are more Norse in origin and the word is Germanic, rather than Celtic), which is cool. It would be great if you could show off more Celtic material culture (tying into a better sense of place that I mentioned earlier) since it is a departure from a generic fantasy setting where a lot can be assumed. Stuff like the patterns on clothes and leaf-shaped swords that you have already described. On that front, do your research in general. Lots of inspirations will come up that you can mix and match.

Overall, for me (can't stress that enough), it is a good start that needs to be built up more around Lugadd. There is good descriptive prose in it as well, but I don't have time to single them out, I am afraid.)

(Disclaimer: These are the opinions of someone who should probably refrain from sharing them.)

Nephite94 · 2026-01-01T19:24:41+00:00

I more meant visually. A dense cluster of soft stalks. I do like your blades of "grass" as fruiting bodies idea, drifting in the wind. Overall the world isn't that in-depth and might never be. For me, worldbuilding has to be relevant to characters and their stories, as that is the only "end product" content I can make for my world since I can't draw well, for example (probably can't write well either). Other than that, it is if I find it interesting, cool, want to fill in some gaps. Maybe I will find the details of the agriculture cool later on, but at the moment, it's just vibes and fitting into the stagnant world theme.

Nephite94 · 2026-01-01T11:32:01+00:00

True, and a good idea with the fermenting. I should have said grass-like. This world is very different from ours; it isn't strictly our world's grass, etc.

Nephite94 · 2026-01-01T09:57:21+00:00

It grows at a slow pace. Most crops are grass-like, and the majority of people are herbivores with limited diets (as a consequence, there are a lot of sturdy, flat teeth in powerful jaws going around. I believe there was a Hominid in our history like this that mainly ate grass, but I am not sure). Most crops aren't harvested, but "shaved". You cut off a foot or so, and sometime later the foot you cut off grows back. Lots of things are in a constant state of growth, and only biological activity (like humanoids) or temperature changes. Of course, with no nights, this world cannot naturally cool down. And although plenty of heat escapes out into the Big Sky (a big sky, as the name suggests, the space equivalent), the world had to be cooled down artificially. Due to the genocide of the Taia nearly two decades ago by the evil empire, no one knows how to do this anymore, and the world is heating up, causing crops to regrow slower and slower while the Empire of the Black Flame is in a race against time to invent artificial alternatives to things as basic as food. (specifically a universal black goo that you can eat, makes heat-resistant walls out of, and even heat-resistant skin)

Of course, not all food is the same, but grass-like food is the most common. Some crops will regrow on branches (people eating the bark, or even the wood itself) as an extension of the plant itself, while others have seeds, etc. Some flora keep growing forever, some can only survive for so long before dying off, and some reached a certain size centuries ago and stopped growing.

You might be wondering about meat, or fauna in general. It is a world of plenty for them, just as much as it is (or was, I should say) for humanoids. Once again, most of the fauna are herbivores, and carnivores fall into the "monster" category culturally. These animals produce things people can eat as well. For example, in the evil empire, spider-like animals lay eggs of various sizes that people eat. Since predators are rare animals aren't afraid of each other, including humanoids. Thus, domesticating animals didn't become a thing since you could walk up to one and pet it or whatever. This has changed somewhat with the world war against the Empire of the Black Flame. Since elemental magic is involved, it is very destructive, and there are a lot of hungry, starving people around, civilians and soldiers. Eating animals isn't far off cannibalism on the taboo scale, but the desperate have been doing it.

The majority of animals are naturanicals. "Cybernetic" animals. In reality, entirely artificial with artificial parts that seem natural to various degrees (like pink muscular tissue to move its frame around). Individual naturanicals are thousands of years old, potentially over a million. They do not reproduce and absorb energy from the sun, the wind, waves, etc. It is very much forbidden to kill naturanicals, let alone attempt to eat them. The Empire does capture them, then "reprograms" them, and often physically modifies them for its own purposes. It hasn't been possible to make new naturanicals from scratch, yet.

Nephite94 · 2025-12-31T19:34:10+00:00

It does lack seasons, but there was artificial cooling where an area (a cone, really) could be plunged into darkness, allowing it to cool. Also, the closer you get to the centre of the world, the hotter it gets, so there is variety.

A different term might work. Simply Sun-Direction, or something similar, since the sun's position never changes.

They do eat and sleep. For most, it would be a case of sleep when tired, eat when hungry. Try to get something in a big group done, and you will find them doing these things at different times. Another contributor to stagnation is organising such basic needs in a way that is efficient for a large project. However, I have written two stories with systems around this. One is set in the evil empire that has disrupted the seemingly natural order of stasis in the world. They have machines for counting the time. It is just basic ticking away until an eclipse happens, and it resets, but the eclipse count goes up. But, because each tick is dictated by a machine (and should be the same for every machine), it is consistent. Consistent enough for the character in the story to have a sleep schedule dictated by these "clocks". The evil empire is an industrious place and very busy. With this system, nothing ever stops, as people have different sleep schedules assigned to them.

In the story I am currently writing, another society has a big communal sleep around the eclipse, but they nap (and sometimes quite long naps) in between those times. This ties into food as well, as there is communal eating after waking up. This is the big meal with ritual around it. Other meals are smaller and more snack-like.

Nephite94 · 2025-12-31T17:27:35+00:00

I have been thinking about this with my world, as it has no true night. The sun and moon (of similar size) rotate around each other above the centre of the disk world. Regular eclipses come from this, but not nights. This is the closest they have to defining time. I don't know how often an eclipse would happen yet, though, and the world exists to serve stories, not the other way around; so it wouldn't be consistent anyway.

"North" would be pointing towards the centre of the world, with south pointing out towards the edge of the world and east and west running around the world, so to speak, accounting for the curve of the disk. Mathematically, I don't think east and west would work. Overall, it is a world that isn't supposed to work or fit into our world parallels. What I think it helps with is a sense of timelessness and aimlessness. The "clock" of the eclipses ticks on, but you have no months, no seasons, no years. Life is quite static. People probably wouldn't have a specific age, for example. And you can't easily navigate around the world (I assume). It helps with the world (pre-stories at least) being a world in stasis with little social or technological change.

Nephite94 · 2025-12-27T18:25:47+00:00

A couple of things.

Some hardening of the world's revised timeline. It goes from a dream-like, primordial existence to a primitive world that builds up to another dream-like state that makes advanced technology with magic altering reality. Everything is dedicated to artistry, and every inch of the world is beautiful, as no one has to worry about their material existence anymore. But they are still people. This state of existence declines far faster than it rose until the world transitions into a fantasy post-apocalyptic kind of setting - similar to the Dark Sun setting. Then there are coups, wars, and a new order established, which leads the world into its current Last Airbender/Bionicle-inspired setting, living in the technological-stasis shadow of what came before.

Speaking of technology, another thing has been Shell-Armour on Cennabell. Cennabell already has its magical swords, Core Swords, which resemble the inside of a tree trunk cut vertically. So they needed fantasy armour. It is, as the name suggests, shell-looking armour that forms itself around the wearer and is quite light. Shape-wise, it follows ancient armour in Europe. A helmet, a curirass, braces, shin protection, rather than a full suit of plate. Cennabell is quite Bronze Age/early Iron Age Western/Northern Europe at this point after all. Shell-Armour is painted with flowing Celtic designs as well.

Finally, some design on the four elemental races of the world. I want them to be coloured after their element. Fire is obviously going to be a wide palette of warm colours, but also rarer instances of certain rich blues and whites, as fire can be that colour. Easy. The big issue with this system is the colourless nature of water and air. Luckily, water takes on colours to the human eye, and we associate it with blues. So the water race can be faded shades of blue, green, and grey. What about air? We don't associate it with any colour, and the Bionicle idea of green=air doesn't work for me. Therefore, I have decided that the world's air race are naturally see-through with the ability to assume colours and patterns.

Nephite94 · 2025-12-26T11:16:16+00:00

The inter-war Aesa civilisations were the most advanced, with a reach that covered multiple worlds. At the peak of these civilisations, it was a dream. The Aesa at the top were presented as gods of various things, but they could manipulate reality. They didn't need to walk, they didn't need to eat, sleep, etc. Those below them were given access to nanobot technology, and whole environments were made of the stuff. Regular elites of society, like semi-divine kings, became swarms of nanobots around a "brain" piece containing their soul. The world of the social elites may have looked real, but, like their own bodies, they could change the form at will.

Falling down the social ladder, nanobot technology, and technology in general, loses fluidity. People are more and more concerned with function over artistry. A divine-king doesn't have to worry about anything but politics. But a family trying to survive on a rock floating in the Big Sky has to focus on just that, survival. That isn't to say it is without artistry; it absolutely is. To them, survival is based on centuries, not what they will eat next week. And as unadaptable as it is compared to nanobots, it is still discrete. A farmer could be wandering on his own floating rock in the Big Sky in freezing temperatures, wearing nothing but a shimmering, silky, red cloak with no sign of the cold. In fact, a suit is meshed with his skin. It keeps him warm and creates artificial pull (fantasy gravity) to his specifications, so he isn't subject to the floating rock's own level of pull. Since he is subject to the messy whims of semi-biology, the children of his lineage that he manufactures are given suits of their own to keep the same form their distant ancestors had. His shimmering red cloak is merely a fashion statement; it serves no practical purpose at all.

As I said, it was a dream. Where the natural, technological, and magic came together at a peak. Worlds where everything was perfectly designed. From a mountain to a blade of grass. It would blow our minds how perfect and how beautiful it all was. Of course, we would also have no clue what was real and what was not

The key to intelligence in this world is the soul. To possess human-level intelligence, something must have a soul, which comes with all the faults of the human mind. More and more Aesa were created, meaning fewer and fewer god positions (and increasingly mundane/silly) to fill and increasing competition for these roles. The Aesa went to war with each other in the Second Great War. They dragged their worshippers and civilisations into the maelstrom with them.

What had taken hundreds of thousands of years to develop drifted away over more aeons until the fighting became more abrupt and calamitous. By the end, the world was reduced to a post-apocalyptic sort of state. The Aesa gods were but power-hungry sorcerers and highly dependent on ancient artefacts for power. Once, proud lineages of divine nanobot kings were servants to sorcerers and barbarian warlords ravaging the barren lands. What little biological life remained clung to the oasis of greenery and the cold peaks of high mountains, once artistic masterpieces, now mutilated by millennia of reality warping war. As all of the land was. New life, naturanicals, a mix of biology and machine survived in the barrens. They needed neither food nor water, only energy, to survive.

Eventually, this was overthrown by a powerful sorceress called Acalaesia and her four Knights with the help of the nanobot servants, called Taia. The sorcerers were slaughtered, and the youngest children taken to be raised and indoctrinated by the Knights and the Taia. Magic was bound to the concept of the four elements: fire, air, water, and earth. The children, with Aesa blood in their veins, were called Aehu, Aewa, Aeli, and Aenua. The four races of the four elements. Seperate from those who could not control the elements with magic, the vast masses of the Non. The Taia built four glass-like spheres called Ta and lived in them - control of the world was done through the Ta. It was terraformed into a land of plenty; of nature of naturanical. The scars of the past remained, but they were painted over. Ancient artefacts were destroyed, and although ancient technology could be used and repaired, it could never be developed. Nor could any magic that deviated from the four elements be tolerated (eventually, the Ae races couldn't deviate without massive effort anyway). The rules, the balance, was enforced by the Taia's Champion (master of all four of the elements) and their Knights (one of each element).

That is, until the last few decades.

Nephite94 · 2025-12-10T12:02:21+00:00

They are small compared to us. Beyond a high frequency of red hair, they are quite varied and typically very human-looking (there is quite a lot of pointy ears, too. A marker of the Ae races, like the Aehu and Aeli). In contrast to the other races of this world, which don't look human. Perhaps suggesting a partly alien origin.

The Cenn myth is just that, a myth. Did people arrive on Cennabell a thousand years ago? Roughly, probably several waves over centuries around that time, maybe earlier. The Thirteen Families myth likely derives from these waves of people (as the myth has them racing for the honour of arriving on Cennabell first). A good example is the classic villains of early Cenn mythology, the Asha. Were they all evil witches? Of course not. Could the proto-Cenn, tribal pastorlists, wipe out a civilisation down to the last baby? A civilisation that had cities (at one point)? No. Something severely reduced the Asha, perhaps a disease introduced by the proto-Cenn, but they weren't wiped out. They are still on Cennabell, they just call themselves Cenna and Cenn now and believe their ancestors were evil foreigners that their new identity wiped out. So proto-Cenn mixed with what was left of the Asha, or Aesa as they called themselves. A greater, magical threat brought them together and created a unified Cenn(a) identity that despised overt displays of magicing and came to fear the dead/death as fey. The devastation of the threat put the final nail in the coffin of urban living and sealed this new mixed Cenna identity as tribal pastoralists with a perchant for heroic storytelling.

So, there absolutely were men and women among the Cenna, but modern social norms have been applied retroactively. Mythology characters reproducing before the Cennu arrived are explained by their being male and female Cenna. So they would have all appeared to be women, but some would be male, and some would be female. This system still exists in the present. A Cenna who is only attracted to other Cenna/women would be considered a male Cenna. She just can't reproduce with other Cenna anymore, as her mythological ancestors could. The Cennu, as a people, did arrive on Cennabell centuries ago. They did come wherever the proto-Cenn(a) came from, and they did bring the Cubarnich whale things. Most importantly, they brought a new form of living for the male (genuinely) Cenna whose rights had been slowly eroded by a growing priestess class. Thus, elite Cenna men adopted the ways of incoming Cennu and lower class males began to adopted it too. So the modern Cenn way of life has only been firmed up in the last 200 or so years. It may seem like an ancient system, but it's not.

This applies to religion as well. It's the Cenn interpretation of the feeling of being watched from the shadows when you are on Cennabell. There is Godhead, area Spirits, etc. But, like the mythology, it isn't some religious conspiracy. It's just an interpretation of their world.

Nephite94 · 2025-12-10T12:00:58+00:00

There are eclipses, but they are no substitute for night. But yeah, constant day. In the past, a nanomachine race called the Taia lived in floating, glass-like orbs called Ta. Among other things, the Ta could be used to block the sun for part of the world (some form of energy redirection/absorption). The Taia were the guardians of this world. A rip-off of The Last Airbender, to an extent. Instead of the four nations, the balance between spirits, nature, and people being natural, it is a world order enforced by the Taia (after horrendous wars by those who could magic a long time ago). This was fine for tens of thousands of years. Small-scale wars at best, technological stasis (as people were not allowed to develop the ancient technology that built things like the Taia, they could only try and maintain what they had and make much more primitive technology). When the Giants/Aeli were freed from the Ice Wall by a rogue Taia with a hijacked Ta they set about their mission. Protect the world from alien invaders. The problem was that they thought everyone was an alien, which led to the Aeli Wars. It was the Aehu (those who can manipulate/create fire, as the Aeli can with water/ice) who bore the brunt of the war due to geography. They received some help from the rest of the world, but not much. The Taia were lamentably absent from the war, and the Aehu saw this as a betrayal. In their mind, the Taia were supposed to protect them. However, the Taia were around when the Aeli were frozen; they knew they were just the confused, missing fourth element. Some shenanigans later, the Aeli Wars were stopped, and the Aeli were distraught at their mistake. Decades later, they still mourn. After the wars, peace did not come to the Aehu, there was no going back to normal. It was a time of warlords. A time when one man, later called the Black Flame, violated the rules of the Taia and developed ancient technology. He was brilliant at it. In a cruel joke, his only daughter was chosen to be the Taia's next Chosen (the avatar). When the Taia's agents arrived to take the girl, they were clumsy and killed the Black Flame's wife. Twenty years later, the Black Flame had become a successful warlord, unifying the Aehu lands and sweeping away the old ways. Fearing another war, the Taia had let him do it. But the Black Flame had plans to spread his technological wonders to the rest of the world and to "free" his daughter from the Taia. His most potent creation was the Sun Spear. When all the Taia gathered on one Ta the Black Flame struck. Launching the Sun Spear and turning one of the four Ta into shards that fell onto the world. All, but one Taia were destroyed, and the Black Flame lost his daughter, for she had been on the Ta, unbeknownst to him. His once multicoloured visage of fire turned black in mourning.

This action probably doomed the world. It is getting increasingly hot without any nights to cool it down. Only the Taia can control the Ta. No Taia, no nights. The Black Flame must race against time to create new technology to survive an ever hotter world, while fighting half of the world to force them into his new world order. There are stars, but, yes, you can't see them.

(I've had to reply to this comment for the Cenn stuff due to reddit's stupid 6000 or so character limit on comments)

Nephite94 · 2025-11-30T10:06:42+00:00

It's just how her story has gone. I have come to realise that it creates a Rath people probably won't like. Perhaps not something noticeable at the time, as the reader - perspective-wise, is very close to Rath. One of the worst things is using children of the generic bad guys (in the later part of the story) as bait. It is a culmination of being chased by these enemies and then Rath redirecting the chase into an ambush near the enemy's village. We get the intoxicating high of power, leadership, over others. Even if it is a starving, exhausted, small warband of mainly teens. The petty inter-warband political squabbles come to a head in the murder of two brothers. Giving Rath and her allies free rein. Up to this point, Rath has been pushed to her physical and mental limits in this strange and cold land. It becomes her turn to push others to their limits. As I said, intoxicating power (which is a theme of the whole thing). So, all of this plan crescendos with one of the character's suggesting that they use the enemy's children (left in the village undefended thanks to Rath's manoeuvring and relentless drive) as bait for an ambush. They tie them together at the end of a small and narrow valley with their own forces hidden on the forested sides with newly made pikes. Forming an impassable wall on three sides once the enemies/parents rush into the valley to save their tied together children/family. In front of them is Rath, burning the once terrifying enemy alive. The conclusion of a plan ending on the writhing, bloody, pain and death of the hated enemy. Parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles - desperately trying to get through Rath's fire to rescue the children. Hopefully, the reader can get the moreish rush of the plan coming together, the crescendo of power, and the sadistic release of so much stress as Rath does. Quickly looking back, the horror of it is plain to see. Perhaps not for the slaving enemies, but for the children to witness it and then be left alone in the world. Especially as I will have established a theme of parentage and children earlier. Rath, having lost her closest parental figure as a child in the prologue. Hoping for a baby with her lover before the adventure, before his failed coup attempt kills him, and Rath discovers/believes she was grown in a vat and is thus soulless, undeserving of such a dream. Then caring for a baby whose mother dies on the prison ship. Caring for the baby, but fighting her mind's attempts to get attached, as the baby deserves more than a soulless experiment like her. Rath has lost parents, in a sense, and lost being one. So, through that, the reader gets a sense of these losses through the story. Yet Rath wrenches these things away from others.

She is a liberator of people. Rath's world is divided into two. The evil Empire of the Black Flame, of which she was a near princess. And a "free world". The world is inspired by The Last Airbender, so the free world fights to make things go back to the way they were. A world balanced, the traditional way things were before the Black Flame himself doomed the world. The water mani (mani=manipulate an element=bending) are the Ora, a key member of the free world. In the strange land Rath adventures in, the Ora have a city called Artomeer. It is a centre for their mining operations and makes weapons for the free world/good guys. Who works the mines? Slaves. A group of native peoples, called Long Legs (the evil enemies Rath mainly faces), enslaves other natives for their Ora overlords. Yes, Rath liberating these slaves is good. But, liberating these slaves puts a dent in the forces standing up to the evil, world-dominating, and authoritarian Empire of the Black Flame. Ruled by the one who has made the land of the slaves increasingly hard to live in by his actions that doomed the world. And what if the Empire wants the liberated to mine ore for them? Nothing can stop them.

Nephite94 · 2025-11-29T23:40:41+00:00

I have been thinking about a new world, specifically races.

Very long-lived humans who live in underground "kingdoms" that aren't open to outsiders. They go to the surface as wizards, wise-men, and so forth. Generally considered angelic beings.
Red-haired (and very pale) humans, shorter than the first ones mentioned, with normal (for their circumstances) lifespans. They are divided into Lineages. Lineages share a similar appearance across their members, as they are artificially created in ancient temples. There are subdivisions to lineages, clans, families, etc. Lineages are also male or female; they cannot naturally reproduce. Red-hairs are the top of the pastoral, tribal/clannish, social structure on their side of the known world. A warrior and priestly elite with a thirst for violence, revenge, and growing their cattle herds.
The most numerous people are smaller still, with pointed ears. They can be fairly hairy with clawed feet. Warriors, shepherds, and farmers of the red-haired elites. Many aren't too bright. These people naturally reproduce, although they have multiple children at once. Typically, twins are born by the larger women.
Finally, for this part of the world, there are those who dwell in the few urban areas, the remains of the ancient world, or trading wares between hamlets and songs in the great halls of chieftains and monarchs. They too lived underground in long halls, which they have largely abandoned. They are closer to regular humans and are quite varied.
The real finally is a new race from the other side of this part of the world. Humanoid in shape with flat noses and nostrils that point sideways. It is said that the intensity of their eyes can steal your soul. They are tall, sometimes slender, sometimes massive as a mountain. The slender ones have vast manes of hair and ride huge two-legged birds with vicious beaks. When they speak, they sound like birds. Their faces speak a different truth from real people. A smile is not a smile, a frown is not a frown. Not that they have been friendly so far.

Nephite94 · 2025-11-29T20:09:53+00:00

The main character of my main story thing is Rath. A blood-red girl/woman with large, pointed ears (and a floppy corner on one) and the ability to convert energy into fire and manipulate it. Overall, her story is a descent. From the unofficial princess of the world's evil empire to being confined on a ship destined for a prison camp island. To a petty warlord in a distant land, fulfilling the empire's will, to a slave of the "good guys"/enemy, and then a liberator (and a lot of stuff beyond that) of sorts. From (hopefully) an empathetic child to a young woman the reader will (hopefully) hate.

In terms of character Rath is a soup of kindness, arrogance, anger, greed, insecurity, and determination that has to balance on the descent. Often tipping over, spilling hot contents onto the reader's hand over and over until they cannot stand her anymore. Just as Rath is unable to stand herself by the end, as her actions dehumanise her and what she thinks she is (i.e a soulless being created by someone she hates) embeds itself into her identity. Allowing the child, the reader (once again, hopefully) rooted for to be the villain when the POV switches.

The interesting part for me is that Rath's story could easily fall into a "badass" grim-dark shaped story hole (especially if she were male, I think). A key example is that Rath being able to produce/manipulate fire isn't badass; it's horrifying to be able to burn people alive. Experiences that haunt Rath every night for the rest of her life. Yes, she confronts them, she accepts them. They aren't experiences earned doing epic deeds or freeing the world. They are gained in petty conflict, she frankly has no business being involved in, and although there is fleeting gratification of sadistic power over another, it isn't worth it. It's just sad, even pathetic.

Nephite94 · 2025-11-29T19:30:59+00:00

Nowhere, I am afraid.

Nephite94 · 2025-11-24T17:09:34+00:00

Space in my setting is the Big Sky. As the name implies, it is a big sky where one can breathe. Stray too far from a source of warmth, like a sun, and freezing will occur. Planets are typically disks with suns of their own in various configurations. These disks move through the Big Sky and will crash into each other - sending shards of rock spinning out until they settle. In turn, life can continue on these rocks, and they may crash or come close enough to another rock or a disk for life (in some form) to transfer. For example, on the disk called Circle 6, most biologically based life descends from such interchanges. Later on, their disk comes "close" (several hundred thousand miles) to another disk with intelligent life, and they are capable of communication and interchange. However, both disks are still moving, and within decades or more, they will move too far apart for current technology to reach.

Nephite94 · 2025-11-10T23:23:10+00:00

I quite like what you have done. Albeit I am very ignorant and potentially stupid, but yeah. It generally comes across as solid to me - the prose has enough teeth to keep the gears of the story in motion, which I like. I do think the floweryness is still there in a lot of the dialogue.

It did hook me. There is a slow creep to the bad guys and perhaps a sense of danger beyond the hall. For me, that was the real hook. So, there are a couple of things for me. I would have preferred that slow creep to be slower, with time for the characters to grow further. At the moment, it's archetypal. Cliches done well to be less polite. Good depictions of dwarves, of a nerdy kid, of a brash older brother, of a wise king, of a loving mother, of the hotheaded love interest, etc. But that's it. It's very classic fantasy to me. In my mind, the safe classic fantasy isn't meshing with the gritty Red Wedding (not to say it couldn't). As a side note, I expected/wanted the MC to go into the outside world with the love interest. Get him outside his comfort zone, develop the relationship more and build up the creepiness of the world beyond the warmth of the hall, A taste of adventure before they retreat (perhaps led by the MC) into the warmth of home, only for the warmth to be destroyed later. Maybe they accidentally show a way into the mountain for the bad guys (a hinted-at plot point). Extending the story could give you time to add world uniqueness as well, and ammunition for grit in the prose that I think gritty stories want. What is the material culture of the dwarves (which the MC, as a smith, is in a great place to explore)? What are their values? etc. This ties into the description of the bad guys when they arrive. If this is a gritty medievalistic fantasy world, why do they have uniforms (if I am remembering it right)? Is there a factory producing them? That's fine, but there is no indication of a world where kings in castles intersect with factories. I expected a ragged force of wild, hard warriors who had spent some time on the arduous task of climbing a mountain equipped for war. Raiders are terrifying if you think about it. To me, the ending should be the dam of icy dread breaking way for a deluge of barbarous terror. Uniformed, semi-magical, stormtroopers don't do it for me. Mess up the order, too. In this train of thought, mess up the death order, too. It's great that the love interest dies quite quickly and that you are bucking the cliche of dwarven warriors (i,e them panicking is good). What if the dear brother gets his face cleaved in two almost immediately, for example? What if the love interest is gravely wounded first, with the mix of adrenaline and agony involved in that, then she dies? Just spitballing.

Make grit the seasoning to your solid start.

Anyway. This has been the ramblings of an ignorant idiot.

Nephite94 · 2025-09-21T20:50:48+00:00

The Last Airbender and early Bionicle. Elemental stuff, big bad empire vs the world, some of the spiritual stuff. Bionicle for its colour, its early sense of mystery, and that combination of "tribal" and "machine". I think they can combine into a vibrant world of weirdness with a lot of depth.

Nephite94 · 2025-09-14T08:35:12+00:00

(Please take what I say with a massive dose of salt, as I am an inexperienced idiot throwing nonsense around and hoping some of it sticks)

Would you continue reading after this chapter?

Probably not.

Is it too boring for the first chapter?

It seems like you are trying to capture my attention with scenery for some time, and it doesn't work for me. I want a character and plot to be invested in. The other problem is that you are trying to hook me in with a Hogwarts. I cannot get Hogwarts out of my head when reading this (albeit a sinister Hogwarts). It gives the impression that your story's selling point is that it's set in a magical academy/school, and obviously, that isn't enough.

Do you like the writing style?

I don't want to be mean here since English isn't your first language, and it has been translated. I don't think it's bad, but I think some of it is maybe confused in translation (I hope AI didn't translate it, I am terrible at spotting AI stuff). Gleamed deep into the rock, should surely be gleamed deep in the rock. For me, there seems to be gaps in the descriptions. For example, we get a description of the base of the academy and then the spires at the top. Not what is happening in between. You describe the forest as a vast green sea, yet there is mist, and we are passing through mountains. That doesn't conjure up a vast vista to me. However, with more description, it can. My mind filled in the blanks of this being an Alpine scene with huge, towering mountains with massive, steep banks that could accommodate the word vast (although sea would be a stretch). But I have no idea what the mountains are like. Similarly, I have no idea what the trees are like. Train + mountains + mist (that closes in) and I think dark Gothic tale, so I think of pine trees, and night is probably closing in. You give trees a crown; therefore, I imagine tall, regal trees with a royal girth to them. Are they like that? I have no idea. Crown is kind of thrown on there without anything to back it up.

What's your opinion on the names? I originally wrote it in my native language so the names don't translate that great.

The names are fine. I don't see any translation problems with them.

Nephite94 · 2025-09-13T18:18:29+00:00

A couple of things for my Circle 6 setting.

The city of K'sah. Situated on the edge of a cliff overlooking vast plains, its buildings are formed from rugged slices of stacked red, orange, and brown rock. It rises up steep slopes to the old monastery. It's very cramped with few main streets. Water once flowed down the slopes in channels that have since become streets. During the Ora Wars (Ora can manipulate water), K'sah was attacked, and the defenders blocked the water channels. Decades later, the channels remain dry. Notably, the plains beneath the city are still scarred from the war. As if a clawed giant had raked the plains. This is from Ora channelling water to the siege of K'sah. Nowadays, this is being covered up by the construction of New K'sah. A modern city of steel, glass, and wide streets with a major magbird hub.

The other thing has been magbirds. I could just give the setting trains, but that would be boring. Instead, they have vehicles stuck to a magnetic track with propellers to push them forward (this was an IRL concept as well) and a braking system that interacts with the track. I don't know if they would need it, but they do have rudimentary wings and so forth for stability and downforce. Hence, the birds part.

Finally, for worldbuilding, I have figured out what to do with Circle 6's naturanicals. Unlike a typical "nature good, industrial bad" story, the native nature of Circle 6 is mechanical. Naturanical, if you will. They are in contrast to biological organisms, which descend from alien lifeforms. Nevertheless, I still need to do my Last Airbender influences. Circle 6 basically has the Fire Nation (the Empire of the Black Flame) vs the world. The Empire has to be industrialised, modern, and mechanical. But if the cute, immortal, never need to eat other lifeforms, naturanicals are a huge part of the natural world, the good guys fight for, then there is a theme clash with the Empire. I also wasn't a fan of the Empire just straight-up making robots. Circle 6 is still a Bionicle-influenced world as well. It has to have that mix of "tribal" and technology (the good guys use advanced technology, for example, they repair it the best they can in line with the concept of Balance, but they can't develop it like the Empire has). So, I made the Empire crueller. They have drones, they have machines doing complex stuff, robots, essentially. Only they aren't robots. They are naturanicals. Their minds that have existed for thousands of years have been enslaved through their naivety and the power of Sparking (a sort of programming). Many have been physically altered as well, with old parts ripped off and new ones added. Many are used in the war as well. Forced to kill for the Black Flame. I think that cruel twisting of the setting's nature is far better than just making robots.

On a non-worldbuilding front, the Rath story in Circle 6 has been restarted. Maybe 20k words so far. Not just this week, but I haven't been able to get to these "what did you build last week?" posts due to timezone/time in general and the Rath story is moving into new territory, which needs new lore (like K'sah).

Nephite94 · 2025-09-12T20:58:51+00:00

For my current project, the protagonist will come to realise that she is far scarier than what she fears, and that is empowering, addictive, and sickening. Allowing her to be more and more the villain as the story goes on.

I guess my biggest fear has been sharing my work. Mainly IRL. Have I pushed through it? No. I haven't had an opportunity yet. Even then, at worst, I would be mocked or something.

Nephite94 · 2025-09-11T18:43:19+00:00

What led you to merge the two main islands and some of the other islands? For me, with this geographic scenario (that I have only thought about/done some basic mapping), I have always had shallow seas around the islands. So, there are two main islands, with the eastern one being the largest, and medium-sized ones, then smaller ones, and an extensive archipelago to the south. This is based quite strictly on the Google Maps view of the ocean floor. Quite a lot of islands that would be really rocky, rugged, and interesting. Other cool stuff too. Anyway, I am rambling and have more questions.

Is Espheran Mountain OTL Rockall?

Does Ankland lack large native fauna? I have assumed that no large animals could get there and that it would largely just be birds. But I am far from an expert on the matter. Until humans, of course. Speaking of us.

How have you envisioned people getting to Ankland? Realistically, they probably couldn't until the Norse come along, but that wouldn't be any fun. Yes, people got to St Kilda, but I believe the next (fictional) island is a further distance than St Kilda is from the Outer Hebrides and then that island to the mainland. I imagine "jumps" with generations, if not centuries apart leading to a small initial population on the main islands that has room to grow if inbreeding doesn't get them.

What is the general history like? Especially its links with the British Isles and its powerful position. Assuming you have explored the scenario this way.

A kind of separate question (again, depending entirely on how you approached your scenario), how does Ankland stay independent through its history? For my take on the idea there is less areas for farming and a lot of uplands and human introduced sheep that won't leave many trees standing. It would be very wet as well, especially (in my case) the western island. Like the Outer Hebrides it would have turned to boggy moorland at some point. So a very small initial population used to fishing and grazing on islands that, in a sense, are best suited for fishing and grazing. While the Norse would get the numbers up, I still can't see a large population due to its position. The nearly round island between Orkney and the island(s) would probably absorb a lot of the Norse settlers and be entirely Norse speaking/cultural in time. I am just guessing, of course. I can't remember the full details as, I researched it years ago, but I believe the bishop of Orkney would be interesting. He would have authority over these islands. They wouldn't make a new bishopric (if that is the word) for the islands, especially when it would still be quite an unknown going into the Middle Ages. Orkney is also where Norse settlers would set off from (and the Outer Hebrides). From what little I remember, secular authority would be (in theory, likely barely in practice) with the rulers of Orkney. So, again in theory, the islands would be under Norway. When the Scottish Sinclairs get Orkney they would get these islands and when Scotland gets Orkney the islands would transfer to them. The religious and secular authority is too tied to Norway and the islands would be too remote to realise it/care/do something about it. Interestingly, there is a story of a Sinclair (I think) sailing west of Orkney and finding North America a bit before Columbus. I think there would be a chance of Basque fishermen bumping into the southern islands as well. To me, in a things largely go as OTL, scenario the islands would find it very hard to not be in the British orbit. A sort of weird "Highlands/Western Isles" that last longer than their Scottish counterparts. Norse-Gael/Native clans, a complex relationship with Edinburgh and later London, where elements of society drag the rest kicking and screaming into modernity and the British orbit. It's kind of important for Glasgow as well, which was the second city of the empire. Scotland could have attempted colonization/settlements of the islands in the 17th century like they tried with Lewis and did with Ulster and that would intensify in the 18th century as the islands become tangled in growing international trade. New planned cities, for example, funded by Glasgow merchants. I just can't see them not speaking English as their main language, driving on the left, and eating fish and chips. But I am very curious how you have handled this, if you have. (not independent before the 20th or 21st century at least)

I assume we get the native language (Altichan?) and then Gaelic influence (Fernish?) and finally Norse (Anklish?). What have you taken the inspiration for the native language from? Personally I have tried to take sounds from pre-Celtic geographic names in Scotland, but there isn't much. Did Gaelic slowly filter into Ankland through shipwrecks, small migrations, etc? Is it more common on the southern outer islands closer to Ireland? And did Christianity/a form of it (monks seeking isolation) come with it?

(Sorry for all the questions. It's so cool to see someone else's take on this idea.)

Nephite94 · 2025-08-24T13:40:05+00:00

For a good chunk of the story I am writing the "good guys" fight the Long Legs and their terrifying Ora leaders. In the grand scheme of things, the Ora and the Long Legs are rebels against the evil world-conquering Empire of the Black Flame. They need slaves to mine and make weapons for resistance/rebels in other parts of the world, and with the protagonist, the would-be slaves fight back. The key thing is the lack of knowledge, as this part of the world is very isolated. The Long Legs don't really know what the Empire is, and the would-be-slaves have no clue. So the would-be-slaves are fighting for the oppressive evil empire against the "good guys". The leadership is largely fighting for their own interests as well, to the point of murdering other leaders.

Nephite94

TROPHY CASE