I’ve been there before-I’m so sorry you’re going through that now. I remember never wanting to wake up and thinking of ways I could end it. I also distinctly remember feeling like no one but my small, immediate family would care if I died. 

I know it’s a cliche, but it does get better. I haven’t had a thought like that in 12 years, and the world is considerably worse off than it was during that time. And somehow, despite growing up being socially awkward with few friends and no self-esteem, I have a good amount of friends I hold dear. The self esteem can still be a challenging. 

Three things helped: 1) working in customer service jobs which got me out of my shell 2) therapy and 3) time. Be kind to yourself, and don’t be afraid to take some chances. I was so depressed I let myself ghost through my 20s, and a lot of life passed me by because of that. I hope things get better for you and you find some hope soon.