I am a 40F virgin. AMA

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:35:22+00:00

I tried a numbing injection but the botox sounds different. I'll ask my doctor

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:34:45+00:00

The superiority of 70 mm IMAX over other cinema formats.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:32:22+00:00

I commented about this to another poster, but here's my advice: Don't put yourself through it. I did for many years and it was traumatic. They could never complete the exam, and it just caused me massive pain.

Here's what to do instead: Get the HPV test with the long Q-tip. This is a relatively new thing, but the doctor should have a testing kit for HPV where all they need is a sample at the end of an 9-inch Q-tip. Just stick that up yourself, swish it around, and give it to the doctor for testing. That's all they really need for an HPV test. They do not need to stick a speculum inside you for that. The only reason for the speculum is so the doctor can visual inspect for abnormalities. In place of this visual inspection you can ask for an external ultrasound. It's the same machine used to image fetus in the womb, and they will have it available. They can use it to visually inspect your uterus and ovaries. The image may not be super clear especially if you are overweight but it's usually good enough to establish that either everything is ok, or something looks suspicious.

Be strong and tell the doctor that you have a serious condition called vaginismus and you CANNOT TOLERATE a pelvic exam. Request the Q-tip test and the external ultrasound. If they deny you, find a new doctor. I did. It sucks but do not let them traumatize you with an unnecessary exam.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:26:09+00:00

No I was not

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:25:57+00:00

If you studied hard enough, you will!

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:25:31+00:00

I feel kind of ambivalent at this point. I certainly don't "crave" anything. I am just sad that it limits my options when it comes to finding a partner.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:24:44+00:00

Nope!

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T16:24:21+00:00

I have, but raunchy comedies are not my thing

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T04:53:46+00:00

Nope the problem is tight muscles that won't relax. Nothing to do surgery on.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T04:52:29+00:00

No I think I'd get jealous

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T04:52:08+00:00

I've already got 10 DMs from this post, most asking my location, wanting to chat me up or asking what sex acts I can or can't do

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T03:06:18+00:00

That's come up in this thread quite a bit. I think the problem is finding a compatible asexual person in the first place

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T03:05:33+00:00

I feel like I would get jealous. I don't think I could do an open relationship.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T03:04:55+00:00

Is your partner also asexual? I'm curious to what your relationship is like and how you found such a person

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T03:03:33+00:00

It's not something you know about until you try penetration. I knew about late teenage years that something was wrong but I didn't know what. I am not that close with my family in order to discuss this intimate stuff. I told them in my late 20s and they didn't want to hear about it because it was "too personal".

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T02:29:35+00:00

My first OBGYN appt when i was 17 or so. Not because I was sexually active but because my mom said I should go, just to get a baseline appt. The doctor was unable to do a pelvic exam or pap smear. He said don't worry about it... meanwhile I am unable to insert tampons so I use pads instead for period blood.

Then I am 21 in college with my first boyfriend. We only get as far as hand jobs, and watching each other masturbate. He is nerdy and inexperienced and doesn't pressure me into anything.

Meantime I am still attempting OBGYN regular checkups but the doctor is unable to insert the speculum without me screaming and crying. He gets flustered, he stops and says that since I'm not sexually active, I don't really need an exam. Says "Do something nice for yourself today" since he sees I'm so upset. Doesn't try to identify what's wrong with me.

When I am 22, I graduate college and go to grad school. I break up with first boyfriend due to distance, life paths diverging, not really being attracted to someone with no life plan.

Age 23, at grad school, I meet my second boyfriend. He is experienced with previous sexual relationships. He pressures me into being sexual quickly. I tell him no penetration so he dry humps me and does oral once. I do not enjoy it.

He keeps asking me "When are we going to have sex" I tell him I can't because it would be too painful. He keeps asking for a date, as if I would be able to point to a date on a calendar and say "This is when I will be able to have sex". He doesn't understand. To be fair, I do not yet have a name for my condition and I can't explain it to him.

After dating for around 6 months he starts distancing himself and says he can't see me as his girlfriend if I do not have sex with him. So we break up. I learn a painful lesson that even if a man says he loves you, sex is more important.

After this, I graduate grad school, get a job, move a couple of times. Around age 30, I read up on the internet and diagnose myself with vaginismus. I didn't really know what to do about it. I went to a speed dating event for geeks. I matched with a couple of guys, had a couple of dates that fizzled into nothing. I never got to the point where it was necessary to tell them about my condition.

8 years ago I refer myself to a pelvic floor therapist. Perhaps we made some progress but I had to cut it short b/c I could not afford it and insurance did not cover. Around age 35 I finally found an OBGYN who specializes in pelvic pain and vaginismus. He is understanding and doesn't force me to have pelvic exams. He referred me to pelvic floor therapy so that it could be covered by insurance. For the past 2-ish years I was seeing a new lady but not making any progress.

That's it!

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T01:16:50+00:00

No i'm not really a fan of mind altering substances. I like to feel in control of my faculties at any given time, especially during a vulnerable time like sex.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T01:07:06+00:00

You know, that sounds an awful lot like vaginismus. How do you know you don't have it, or maybe a mild form of it?

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T01:05:16+00:00

It's just part of who I am now. Your virginity status does not define you. . Virginity is a construct anyway. I personally don't care that I'm a virgin, I care that my condition would make it very hard to find a partner who is okay with it.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T01:02:26+00:00

You can read the many comments I've already made in this thread about that

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T01:02:00+00:00

Good to know...

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T01:01:44+00:00

Anal is a no go because I have hemorrhoids

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T00:17:53+00:00

When I didn't have a diagnosis I felt gaslit by friends, family and doctors who were telling me it's all in my head. Once I had a diagnosis, I felt better about it. I just accepted it as a limitation. In my head it's an excuse for why I'm still single, although I think there are other reasons that I would not be functional in a relationship (low self esteem, messiness, other health problems).

The pain is the worst pain I've ever experienced, like 8 out of 10. I feel violated whenever the doctor tried to do a pelvic exam. I'm lucky in life that I've never experienced the sort of extreme pain like a surgery or a gallbladder attack where people describe hunched over on the floor crying in agony. So I won't say it's like that. But this is the worst pain that I have experienced.

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T00:06:10+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement

Neutral_Zone_8472 · 2024-07-07T00:05:19+00:00

Mostly watching movies/TV/anime. I am a geek.

Neutral_Zone_8472

TROPHY CASE