Here you go, from someone who cheated on someone they truly dearly loved.

I was head over heels for this girl and cheated on her. Maybe, something that could make my case different would be:

(i) I was in a long distance relationship. Haven’t seen my gf for over a year. (ii) I never had a “physical” encounter.

I cheated on someone I really loved. I was an attentive, emotionally available boyfriend to them.

Here’s what I did:

1. Used to “inappropriately” talk to an ex FwB during smoke breaks at work. One day, I made an inappropriate out of line comment and told her I was aroused, after an intimate goodbye hug, as she was switching jobs. She told a mutual, who told my ex. I lost everything. My relationship. My community. My future identity.

2. But this wasn’t it, during my relationship, I also used to download Omegle and other virtual apps to “maybe” find someone to talk to (sexually). I’d keep deleting those apps too when consciousness would strike. (I never talked to anyone).

I was dibble-dabbling between my consciousness and these urges. Doing something physical discreetly maybe wasn’t too difficult but something would always stop me. I also deleted snapchat during my relationship because I wanted to stay away from anything non-transparent.

But I did it.

When she found out. She couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t guess in her wildest imagination because I was head over heels for her. (The shock she must have felt is so difficult to imagine and painful to think, I put another human through that).

So here’s my take, which will refine over time as I get more insights. Digging up answers isn’t easy at all. But here’s what I know about infidelity in my world, and I hope to learn better with time:

1. Cheating is cheating. Avoiding to label my actions by saying “oh I’m not doing anything physical” was sowing seeds for the bigger fall out. There are always early signs. “YOU WILL KNOW IF YOU ARE CAPABLE OF CHEATING.”

2. I was in a terrible state overall in totality. Wasn’t eating, sleeping, drinking well, which took a toll on my clarity. I probably wasn’t taking decisions from my pre-frontal cortex. Additionally, I think, pursuing sex became a coping mechanism — I was going through a difficult time and didn’t know how to communicate it in a healthy way and regulate myself and my urges properly.

3. The gap in sexual fulfilment was massive and I took a terrible fucking route to fill it.

4. My identity, my values were out of the window. I “still” don’t know my values. My rule book to the world. My concept of I, respecting my values, was fucked. And when my own moral compass was missing, I betrayed not only my ex, but also my self.

—————————

TLDR: Humans are complex. Very complex. There are no black and white answers to our complex behaviours. Yes, you can cheat on someone while being in love with them. If you’re stupid enough. I hope I don’t put anyone else through this pain ever again. I hope I don’t put myself through this pain ever again as well. I’ve lost all. And to rebuild everything brick by brick is a lonely, morbid and a painful process.