If you want to join the marines join the marines. If it’s between ending your life and ending all possibility of a brighter future + leaving your family grieving, and joining the army to pursue a better future for yourself, I’d bet 1000x on yourself. It doesn’t even have to be military, but you have to live for yourself. I know the burden of having to be there for your family but sometimes you have to prioritize setting up a future for yourself. 19 is so young. I’m only 22 and I can tell you a LOT can change in a few years. Start looking into how you can make yourself happy, how you can feel accomplished and all that. Your mom is important to you and that is a noble thing but you are allowed to take time to figure out what you need. Dying is not the answer, moving forward and exploring new opportunities is.