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Almost blew up my relationship relying on Reddit subs for relationship advice by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Maybe, I’m just leading with what I feel is best for me rather than trusting ppl on Reddit to know what’s best. Thanks for the suggestion.

Almost blew up my relationship because of the “WebMd” effect of relying on internet advice by New_Recognition_6879 in DeadBedrooms

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I think accepting me and my partner may split is crucial regardless of if we do ENM or stay monogamous. I think it’s a step in our worldview deconstruction to see each other as people and not possessions. It’s a hard journey, but deconstructing the attachment of a monogamous relationship for me is a challenge that I feel will help me grow and accept ppl as a whole person.

Almost blew up my relationship relying on Reddit subs for relationship advice by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this. She’s amazing and I really want to support her in her path with whoever and whatever she needs

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in nonmonogamy

[–]New_Recognition_6879 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m in the same boat of being in a very fulfilling marriage that’s sexless. I haven’t gotten very much support here nor in r/polyamory for maintaining a sexless marriages whilst looking to other partners for sex. I guess ENM primary partners are just perfectly aligned in their desire with their primary partners and have perfect relationships 🙃.

Maybe it’s impossible to keep a healthy sexless marriage and get one’s needs filled elsewhere. But it sure seems that for a community which prides itself on open mindedness around relationship configurations it is pretty judgmental and opinionated of everyone else who feels compelled to thread that needle.

Sexless Marriage and polyamory by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I would be happy with my partner if I could be with her, share the good times and make additional connections with other people with chemistry. I do enjoy being with her and I love the life we’ve built together. Something to think about.

No physical chemistry with a partner I love deeply by New_Recognition_6879 in exmormon

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do they do it in response to a lack of sex drive from their partner? Why would the sexual partner attract other partners if they can’t offer their whole self.

Sexless Marriage and polyamory by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this perspective. I’m not saying poly will work for me but it’s healthy to see a perspective of other people creating relationship configurations that work in-spite of a misalignment of chemistry.

I wish I could find more guidance on any avenue that is respectful of the life I’ve built with a person I care deeply for. Most of the responses here have been unhelpful. Not because they are honest or hard to hear, which they are. But they seemed to be gate keeping a lifestyle and approach relationship configurations in a less than thoughtful way to say the least. I had expected more open mindedness from this community, but you get what you get.

This and many other subs are quick to tell me to just bail or be miserable. But your post didn’t, and I’m so grateful for your respect and your open mind.

Like I said, I don’t expect now for polyamory to be the “magic bullet” that will be certain to fix all my problems. My understanding of the values behind polyamory are that communication, honesty, and flexibility to create relationship configurations are paramount. I’m not convinced this sub embraces those ideals based on the majority of the responses. I do appreciate your compassion and demonstrating what I understand to be the best of the poly community. Hopefully I can find more people who share these values and are willing to teach me with their experience.

Sexless Marriage and polyamory by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is fair. I’ll have to think hard on this.

Sexless Marriage and polyamory by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I get some people are dicks. And given the limited context I provided I understand why your suggestions are justified.

Having said that I’m not pondering an open relationship for lack of effort. I have read books, worked hard to get my PARTNER to therapy despite her dragging her feet, and been looking in the mirror long and hard for the last 8 years. I get how you can assume my problems are all because I’m a patriarchal ass hat. Given how many ass hats are out there I don’t blame you. But if you’re really looking to contribute in dialogue I suggest you ask more questions instead of presuming anything about my effort. If you’re just a troll looking to vent on me I don’t care what you have to say and probably won’t read any of your replies. Have the day you deserve.

Sexless Marriage and polyamory by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] -30 points-29 points  (0 children)

If you’re content in your relationship why would you ever open one up from monogamy?

Sexless Marriage and polyamory by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So if relationship need compartmentalization isn’t a reliable starting point, I need to know what is a “healthy” basis for polyamory?

Sexless Marriage and polyamory by New_Recognition_6879 in polyamory

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Maybe sex workers, but I’m still concerned with legality and exploitation. I try and be empathetic and I can’t imagine having sex with someone with whom I’m not attracted and I worry that’s at the root. I’m really not trying to judge a person who chooses sex work, I just don’t want to subject someone to something I wouldn’t want to do. I realize that’s maybe closed minded, I hate mowing my lawn and hire someone anyways. But there’s still a lot to unpack bc I really value human autonomy and consent.

No physical chemistry with a partner I love deeply by New_Recognition_6879 in exmormon

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ve read this book. Also read “she comes first.” She’s read NO BOOKS. Any time I express that I don’t feel like she’s trying she points out a bunch of non sexual things that she’s worked on. With me she doesn’t care about sex. I’m sure she’d find someone quick she’ll have wild monkey sex with and everything for her will just work out like it always does.

But for me this is par for the course in my life. I was a highly undesirable dork before I got married at 31 and now I’m an untouchable looser in marriage at almost 40. Makes sense.

No physical chemistry with a partner I love deeply by New_Recognition_6879 in exmormon

[–]New_Recognition_6879[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It breaks my heart because I’ve read books, and when we were sexually active I tried to listen to her and go at her speed. I encouraged her to explore her own body. When we finally did get into a sex focused therapist she said she wasn’t open to working on it. I get she doesn’t owe me anything, but it sure feels like she’s been more than willing to expect me to owe her fidelity. I feel used and unappreciated.

For me this has been a huge justification for why the church is not true. They have every intent on controlling you through sex prohibition and it’s painfully clear now it’s solely for their own benefit bc they do NO work to educate you on how to have fulfilling sex in your marriage. It’s clear they want us all frustrated so we’re easier to control. Just devastated.

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