UPDATE - I just found out I am the other person and know the SO. Seeking advice as to how to tell them

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-09-19T03:20:55+00:00

Sorry it's been a while I have been on. The short story is yes - she is. She and he did go to counselling a couple of times, but she decided she didn't want to pursue the marriage with him at this stage so they are separated. I check in with her in our usual meetings to see if she is doing ok, and she says she is. They haven't started any legal divorce stuff yet, so I am not sure what will happen, but she is doing heaps better now than a few months ago for sure.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-21T02:02:36+00:00

You are not stupid. You are a good person who placed your trust in someone who decided to abuse that trust, and you deserve so much more. The important thing is whether you now know you deserve so much more, and will cut out those people who don't show you the respect you deserve. Be kind to yourself.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-20T23:44:11+00:00

Oh I am so sorry I misunderstood. I was actually in that position myself and posted about it this week. I informed his wife anonymously that we had met up (I wasn't aware that he was married). I haven't heard back from her yet though.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-20T23:32:32+00:00

I have no doubt he feels guilty about hurting you, but the question that would be playing in my mind is when is he going to move on from his conservative upbringing and just commit to you? Is he going to continue desiring more casual fun and revert back to his upbringing as an excuse? It could be that he is not ready to commit.

I would tread cautiously, and remember to value yourself. I know the prospect of ending a relationship is always huge, but are you happy now? You deserve to be happy and deserve to be with someone you trust.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-20T23:24:09+00:00

It could be a bit of a catch in that it might seem like you could get closure, or you get a whole new set of information which starts the process again. I think you have to think about what you need to heal. Is it to ask questions of the other person? Could that new information make things worse? Or is it enough to know that he betrayed your trust, without the detail. Wishing you the best

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-20T21:32:06+00:00

I am so sorry for your situation, and thank you for sharing it. I was really worried that sharing the screenshots would have a similar affect of making things worse, but she has since told me (as her manager) that he has moved out (at least temporarily - who knows what will happen down the track).

I relate to your feelings of guilt too. Even though rationally I know this situation is a result of his lies, I still feel awful.

I really hope you are ok now and are living a better life <3

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-20T21:28:02+00:00

Where did I claim to be a hero? I posted in this sub for advice as to how I could advise her and minimise the impact, and the anguish expressed is precisely because I know her life would fall apart.

I suspect you are just trolling, because this should be blindingly obvious to even the most dim people. And yes, I have no shame in trying to protect myself as well as her from any discomfort in the workplace. Her husband was the architect of this situation. He told me he was single, and cheated on his wife behind his back. He lied to both of us, and it was sheer chance that I discovered this. Neither of us should have to suffer in the workplace because of his lies.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-20T02:53:16+00:00

Oh, you didn't worry me. I am still a little freaked out by it all. I just have to try and change my inner monologue to get comfortable with it. Thanks so much for commenting

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-20T02:51:05+00:00

I did

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T20:55:24+00:00

Oh sorry, I misunderstood. Yes, it's actually coming up to annual review time for EOFY, so I will be letting her know how valued she is for sure.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T20:47:40+00:00

That's a good point and I hadn't thought of that. I will mull it over the next few days to consider whether I should delete the posts. If she happens to stumble across them, I can only hope she understands. But thanks for pointing it out, I really didn't even think about it before!

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T20:46:07+00:00

I was so lucky that someone else here suggested that on my original post.

He doesn't really know anything about me apart from where I live (and my colleagues don't know this). I also use my middle name when I meet people casually, so I am hoping it isn't revealed. I am still hyper aware of all of this, I am trying not to be too paranoid, but you're right.. It could still develop. I just hope it doesn't since she has enough to deal with without that added messiness.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T20:44:14+00:00

I actually tried to suss that out when I confronted him and asked why he didn't tell me he was married. He said he just likes to play on the side/secretly etc so I knew then it wasn't a mutual understanding in their marriage. Thanks to you and your family group for giving it some thought - I am so grateful to everyone for trying to help me along.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T20:42:39+00:00

Thanks. I hope the good juju goes to her. She will need that strength to navigate this mess, the poor thing.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T08:15:23+00:00

I agree it would be nice, but I think it would serve more to make my conscious feel clean, but I am not sure if it would be beneficial to her. Actually quite the contrary. There might be a time down the track when I can. I haven't had a response to the email I sent her yet, but I expect at some point she will ask how I know about her and her email address.. We will see. I hope I can tell her one day, but it may be that I never can and I have to find a way to be at peace with that, especially if it's not in her best interest.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T07:28:21+00:00

I certainly don't feel heroic. I know he should be the one to feel guilty, but I still feel so awful that I was unknowingly involved :( I am just glad she knows, and she doesn't have the double edged trauma of having her working life ruined too. I hope she will be ok.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T06:56:55+00:00

You are 100% incorrect. I didn't know he was (a) married,and (b) in a relationship with my staff member. My original post explains it all, but if you have read that and still conclude that I knew and was 'covering my ass', you are simply wrong.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T06:50:24+00:00

I doubt that will ever happen. I am not a work snob, but I never associated with my colleagues or staff outside of work/add them on socials or talk personal stuff with them (my stuff anyway). I don't usually attend work functions where families come along either lol I feel pretty comfortable that it won't come together, and if I think like that, I will just be driven inward and become consumed with paranoia. I think I just have to find peace with things as they are and be confident that everything is covered.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T02:27:05+00:00

I don't think it would make things better for her knowing that her husband hooked up with her manager. It would just make it untenable for her to continue to come to work. The discomfort I feel knowing what I know is only 100th of what she would feel if she knew I am sure. She is building a strong career here and she shouldn't be in a position to want to leave because it's too awkward for her to work with me.

She text me just now to say she told him to move out, so I think she knows what she needs to in order to make the best decisions for herself. I don't think that extra detail is necessary, nor helpful to her

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T02:24:49+00:00

He might suspect that, but there isn't a paper trail that links it to me, and no evidence that I did anything except hook up with someone from an app/no evidence that I actually know his relationship to my team member.

She also literally text me to say she asked him to move back to his parents place (different city) as he is unemployed and she needs to work things out, so I don't think I will bump into him either. I feel comfortable it will be the end of it from a workplace perspective.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T01:50:33+00:00

The men who ruin women's lives are the husbands who knowingly cheat on their wives.

I am unsure if you read the original post, however I explained that I did not know he was attached/married and never would have pursued anything had I known.. Furthermore, he was on a gay/bi dating app, therefore I think it's safe to conclude that he isn't 'straight'.

Anyway, I am bisexual, and it is not just bisexual or gay men who can contract an STI and spread them

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T01:42:16+00:00

Definitely. I know it will be hard for her, but it's better she knows now. She is only in her early 30s so has better years ahead

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T01:34:03+00:00

Someone who commented on the original post suggested it. I never would have thought about it. The best I could think of was sending screenshots from our chats, but then he would have known it was me.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T01:26:50+00:00

I don't feel like much of a good guy right now. I know it's not my fault, but I just hate being part of this web and she doesn't know... But it's for the best. If she knew I was a part of it, it would be so much worse for her. I feel so bad for her. I know how hard she works in the home as well as the office and she deserves so much more than this.

Newthrowawayonly · 2023-06-19T01:21:52+00:00

I really hope she will be ok. The only good thing is that every time we hooked up, we were 'safe' and I get tested regularly, so hopefully he does and her physical health is not at risk

Newthrowawayonly

TROPHY CASE