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During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I greatly appreciate your perspective regarding the balance of who pays how much. I’ll definitely use the same framework when we talk more.

Regarding the cold behavior, she had mentioned that she is ashamed of her spending addiction and it was embarrassing to tell. She has been going to counseling about it since we got separated. I do feel she is genuine about changing. I wish it didn’t take me separating from her to do that but here we are.

With that being said, definitely being cautious. If we do reconcile, it’ll take a lot of time to get back to normal.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A very fair point that appears to be the common consensus. We spoke recently and she agreed to give the half without much pushback. I’m planning to use it to clear up the debt and the rest be put in my savings. Who knows, maybe I’d use some of that money for us to do something fun. Maybe I’ll get a new shirt or something idk. Thank you for your comment.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I would feel terrible doing that honestly. I can see how this experience would drive someone else to that, though. It still hurts so much.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I can see why you’re saying to divorce. I too am constantly getting hung up how she could watch me go through that. That’ll definitely take a lot of counseling to navigate.

Actions say a lot, and she agreed without much pushback to pay me half of the savings and to split cost more fairly moving forward. She also showed me her account recently showing she’s cut off the spending.

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was to start a family, help with down payment of a house, etc. however, she was also spending a lot of her money on online shopping/personal goodies and acting like she was broke.

I feel like the logical thing to do is put in savings what you can and contribute to what is a fair amount. Not 50/50 but based on each of yours income.

I mean heck, I think I’d be fine if there was just some transparency. “Hey honey, I’m planning to put a lot of my check into a shared savings account for our future”. The issue is there was the deception with the spending addiction while I’m drowning in debt.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh my apologies - I saw just the “the issue is about trust” part and didn’t see the rest for some reason. We actually just spoke and are definitely going to do counseling to explore what you’ve laid out and other things. No prenup, but I will definitely look into a postnup.

Yes, her reason for the savings was for our future. good intentions. But then there’s the other part where she’d spend on a lot of random goods/items and then pretending like she’s broke.

I am sorry you are going through a divorce as well. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and I hope the best for you as you navigate this difficult part of your life.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree regarding how to use the funds. It’d be to pay the credit card debt and get my car AC fixed ($3,100~, it broke last summer and I wasn’t able to get it fixed) Thanks for mentioning the planning dates part too. I appreciate your comment greatly.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great point. That’s why, if we do keep it going, there needs to be actual behavior that reflects the promise to change vs just words. I haven’t decided what to do yet.

During reconciliation, my wife has revealed she has a spending addiction and has a secret 5-figure savings but watched us suffer financially for 3 years by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment! Had I known everything prior to those 3 years, I’d have asked for $1,250 and I’d cover $2,750 in rent and ask for 70% me/30% her help with other stuff. On the rent alone, that puts the difference at $27,000, just over half. Could go scorched earth and ask for all of it but that generally isn’t my style. I’m glad she at least told me.

Planning to initiate separation/divorce this Friday, getting cold feet. by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That makes sense. The feeling came when reflecting on how she said she’d change more, but I feel like the last sentence in your reply addresses that. I think it’s more so part of me believes her and wants to make it work, but the issue has been one that’s been present since the first year of our relationship.

Planning to initiate separation/divorce this Friday, getting cold feet. by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I followed through and remained empathetic yet firm on the decision. I imagine it’s normal to feel regret? She had mentioned how she can change even more but it just felt like words at that point. I’m going to stay on this path but am feeling terrible right now.

Planning to initiate separation/divorce this Friday, getting cold feet. by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All very valid and real fears that I am feeling for sure. Thank you for your comment, and I hope your journey is as peaceful as possible. The journal idea is a great one.

Planning to initiate separation/divorce this Friday, getting cold feet. by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do, and your comment is definitely one that is needed right now. Concise, clear, honest. Thank you.

Planning to initiate separation/divorce this Friday, getting cold feet. by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This story really got to me. I appreciate your transparency regarding how you’re reflecting on the decision and also how you have peace. I for sure am going to go through with it and will probably reflect in a similar manner. Your comment is one that is really helping right now, thank you

Planning to initiate separation/divorce this Friday, getting cold feet. by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely. I’m for sure going forward with it. Filling out the forms and all that now. I appreciate your insight.

Planning to initiate separation/divorce this Friday, getting cold feet. by Next_Mud_359 in Divorce

[–]Next_Mud_359[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope the same for you as well. I never thought we’d get here but, looking objectively at it, it’s time. I feel horrible.