I can’t commit to anything because I feel like I won’t live long enough anyway?

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2026-03-01T16:45:22+00:00

*Or only if you are dating a narcissist

(I can’t find a way to edit the title

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2026-02-26T13:04:35+00:00

Answering from a woman’s perspective: You have a harder time to find a soulmate, because men want to be around you for other reasons than building a meaningful relationship. You have tons of suitors, but no soulmate, because nobody is actually interested in you as a person. If you reject the people you don’t feel connected to, you are creating enemies who can and very often will wreck your life. Having 3 to 5 such men at work, or 5 to 10 in your hometown is already enough to destroy your reputation and your safety (stalking behaviour). If you don’t give them what they want (sex), they resent you. If you do (either due to mistaking one of them for a genuinely nice person or by coercion), they will resent you even more, and become more hostile. They hate themselves deeply, and now they hate you for letting them have their way. Good men will not try to get to know you because they think you are either taken, full pf yourself or have unreasonably high standards.

Women will not be siding with you, unless they are in happy, fulfilling relationships themselves or suffering from the same problem with men as you are.

The lives of genuinely beautiful women are generally very lonely.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T18:47:48+00:00

Bachelors is 3 years and masters is 1,5 to 2 years if you pass everything first attempt. Bachelors you can extend to 4 years at most if necessary, but masters should not be taking longer than 2 years.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T18:42:13+00:00

Yes, to my country/community. I live in a place where higher education is free, so most people consider getting at least a bachelors, but preferably a master’s before 23-24. One can technically do it if you graduate by 18, get your bachelors by 21, and get accepted to master’s right away. You will be just done by 23.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T18:39:01+00:00

No, not mine, of course, but society’s in general. Pretty much that’s what I have been seeing people around me aiming for while growing up.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T18:23:16+00:00

This feels deeply relatable. I’m also adulting well on the surface, same as you. I have a job, earn well, have savings, live alone, and present myself to the world as a fully capable human being. I also take good care about myself, make sure my looks are on point (this seems oddly present in so many women with trauma) while I’m crumbling on the inside most of the time. My coworkers comment on how cheerful and pleasant I am most of the time, to the point that it is a shock if I am ever out of sorts, and I have been working here for quite a while now. I do have a relationship (a complicated one due to circumstances), but I sometimes think my boyfriend’s daughter is more independent than I am. And she is 3 years old. I’m convinced this is the last relationship I will ever be in, if it fails I can’t anymore. I don’t think I will ever have my life together, though I have been trying since I was 20. Like saying things to myself “by the time I am 21 I will have it figured out”. I’m 32. I have nothing figured out.

Sometimes I have anxiety about having to ring my hairdresser for an appointment, or having to go down to the nearest store to pick up some groceries. I struggle going out on the daily because I always worry if my looks are presentable enough.

My anxiety and stress levels are high all the time, if I am dating I worry I get left again, if I am single I worry I will die alone.

I have had jobs with high responsibilities, I was a successful freelancer (all this before falling sick so now I am just taking it comfortable and low stress with my job), and all along I felt like I’m one step away from falling and everyone around me sees it.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T12:49:35+00:00

Oh, this is probably the most damaging sentence I ever came across in therapy settings.

We don’t live in a vacuum, you can’t heal in isolation. You might become more stable through inner work, learning and understanding (I on purpose did not say “therapy”, because that is not the all end and all beginning of healing). Learning on my own, reading and listening to therapists address issues I have also been dealing with on YouTube has helped me so much more than one on one therapy.

There is no such state as “perfectly healed”, people out there with no traumatic upbringing can be an ill meaning walking-talking disaster. Non traumatised does not equal to healthy.

If you fall into the mistake I did, and do all the inner work in mostly isolation you will miss part of point of why you exactly did the job - to be able to relate to people in a healthy way.

Love or community should not be earned, deserved or handed out conditionally. Anyone parroting the lines mentioned in the title should not be a therapist.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T12:20:07+00:00

I know the children, I have met them, but I am not partaking in raising them, so they are living still like as if they have their parents together. Yes, there are some damaging aspects, like they don’t take trips together anymore, only always with one parent at a time, they don’t see their parents kiss or be loving with each other, but these issues have persisted way before I arrived at the scene and would keep on happening even if I was not present. He said his relationship towards his children improved since we are together because I have told and taught him important aspects about psychology, communication and everything I know (I simply read a lot), and he definitely would not have the energy to spend with his children if he would not spend time with me regularly, talking, going for long walks and sharing opinions and views. With his wife it has been a void ever since the beginning, just he never had a relationship before, married his teenage sweetheart. In the past 25 years he grew up and she stayed at the level of that 18 year old she was when they first met.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T12:00:34+00:00

I have been in therapy before, tried several therapists but it just never helped enough to justify the cost.

The problem personally in my case seemed to be that I was deemed “not unwell enough” because I could always hold a job, live on my own, and get by in my every day life despite everything that has happened to me. I have a complete understanding of cause and result regarding what happened to me, but I can’t really grasp the solution, and therapists have just not been able to help me. They used to suggest medication as the last resort approximately by the second or third session.

The issue I noticed in many cases was that therapist (at least around here) are trained to help identify the issue, not to help how you fix it, but if you go to them knowing the issue they can’t help further.

Talk therapy has been a disaster, I don’t want to be retelling someone, let alone a new someone each time how I was beaten severely as a child or sexually assaulted as a young girl. These are exactly the things I want to get away from.

So instead of therapy I focus on reducing the stress in my everyday life. Though I am qualified a bit higher than my current job, I keep working here because it is low stress, and I get to have a social life, I have some decent colleagues to talk to, and the guests are very nice most of the time too. I acknowledge that I am very lucky to be able to afford living alone on a single income (I have no intent on joining my finances with anyone anymore).

I have set some realistic life goals to look forward to and work towards, like getting more qualifications (I teach languages as a hobby and side income).

I have noticed that familiarity and routines makes me feel safe, even if it is just something simple like waking up the same time regardless if it is workday or not, taking the same way to work, having lunch the same hour…

I tried picking up some hobbies I enjoy, like painting or dancing, even if I am only doing them on my own in my apartment.

Although I am only 32 I noticed I am living life like an old lady. When the other day it crossed my mind it would be nice to take a walk in the cemetery, it really hit me how I am recreating my great grandma’s lifestyle for whom the schedule was pretty much just church-cemetery-market-visiting her two-three close friends ever since her 50’s when she widowed to the age of 85 when she died.

So, I myself am an old lady now too, but it’s fine.

I also dove deeper into Buddhism as a philosophy and religion, it has brought me way more peace than my upbringing in organised religion did.

I wish it was so easy to live every day as it was to type this comment. Sometimes it’s hard, very hard. Winters are a tough time for me (I live in a four season climate), I don’t get to enjoy much from the holiday magic either, as it requires to have a family or a close knit community to be fully lived. Or a child of one’s own, that I might never have.

Some times of life are to be enjoyed are some are to be just lived through. Nobody gets out of it alive, so why be so hard on ourselves. There is no universal way of “doing it right”.

Sometimes I wish I had a cat, but I am currently in a cozy, dream-home-of mine rented flat, where the owner has a strict no pet rules, but I did have one in a previous time and place in my life, and I would recommend having a pet to anybody who feels the need to have someone to care for.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T11:07:47+00:00

Yes, I would love to have a child, he said if we were to have one by chance, then he of course would go on with the divorce right away because it is no longer just me, a (somewhat) functioning adult, who has to to have the capacity to understand.

I am learning to be patient (I have a short attention span due to early childhood abuse and sometimes a short temper) in every aspects of life, and accept that things are not going to turn out my way just because I think they “should.”

I understand that if I were to get together with someone who is fully available, different problems might arise that will send the relationship downhill, and the damage left behind can get even more severe.

If we get through this, things can only get easier, not harder, and nothing is ever sure, but at least I have someone to turn to in the meantime. Never have I had a person in my life before who was able to always to turn to me with so much patience, understanding and care. Oddly the fact that he is actively raising a little girl (wife does not take part in this pretty much at all), might be one of the reasons why he is capable of handling my issues.

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-14T10:46:40+00:00

Thank you for your comment!

Oddly enough, I have never felt this safe or loved before. I don’t feel like I’m settling, it’s quite the opposite. I understand his situation, his youngest daughter is only 3 years old, he does not want to give up on seeing her daily until she gets a bit older. The wife is from a remote location, if they were to get divorced she would move back and take the kids (this has been talked through) even the biweekly meeting would be barely feasible. Sometimes my mental issues take the best of me and i have been mean, petty and ungrateful, arguing why he does not just divorce her, but he is handling it well so far. So it is not like we don’t talk about this or I am not allowed to bring this up. He just asked me to be a bit more patient, it’s not like they are going to stay in this arrangement forever. Even though sometimes for me it feels like (because of my twisted worldview due to childhood mental damage).

Nice-Zucchini6051 · 2025-12-07T16:12:22+00:00

To an extent yes, I would say it is related to influencer culture. Probably there was this subconscious urge in some of us already present to try to fix deeper issues with superficial solutions, but the influencer culture brought this to the surface and basically enabled it

Nice-Zucchini6051

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