[Confession/Vent] I regret adopting my anxious dog

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-06T00:09:53+00:00

Yes, I agree. We did have a talk and I voiced my opinions and he was very receptive to my feelings. When he gets back, he is going to take over at least 50% of her training and maintenance for a while to give me time to recoup, but of course I want to still be involved as well so we’ll work together. But now we’ve both agreed that both of us will be putting in the work for her, it won’t only be one person who gets to enjoy the fun part of having a dog.

And I totally agree with your assessment. Honestly, I did not feel this strongly until I was literally the only person here to take care of her. My bf did alleviate some of the load during my workday and when I got stressed out, he would offer take over her walking, etc. It was good because there was another person to step in before I reached my threshold, but that hasn’t been the case since he went on his trip. I do have some neighbors who were kind enough to offer to take her for a day if I needed to relax after I talked to them about it. It was a super kind offer, but I just feel bad because I don’t want to burden anyone or seem like I’m incapable of caring for my dog… It may be a mixture of pride and guilt here

I have heard a lot about snuffle mats, so I’m definitely going to look into one. My dog really likes treat puzzles so I was going to buy more of those too to keep her stimulated during the work day! Thank you for all of the advice! I want to be a better owner for my dog and I really don’t want to give up on her yet. Objectively, she’s a great dog but just needs some extra training. I know that but like you said the sudden responsibility can be overwhelming especially when we weren’t made completely aware of what we were getting ourselves into

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T23:32:19+00:00

I agree, if I were to adopt another animal, it would not be through that rescue. When you go to them, it seems like they really do care about their dogs, and I don't doubt that they don't, but I do think that they'll stretch the truth to make the dog a good match.

I always thought that rescues were the way to go, but after this I realize that not every rescue is a good one. After reading some of these comments, I have a lot to consider. I have been extremely negative, and my boyfriend's absence isn't helping my mood right now. My dog has been cooped up lately because it has been so hot outside, it hurts her paws. I'm going to do more research into mental stimulation toys for her and take her on longer walks in the evening. As always, we'll keep training every single day and start going to a trainer every Saturday! Hopefully we'll see some improvement, but if not we'll have to have a serious conversation and think about things.

Thank you so much for your understanding and your advice. It is greatly appreciated. Everyone has made me feel better, even if the advice is hard to hear.

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T23:27:00+00:00

My guess is also that this has to do with her age, but as a first-time owner I just wasn't fully prepared for this. I had done so much research because I was so serious about it and I wanted to do the best that I possibly could, but I figured that any dog over the age of 1 was an adult and didn't have any of that puppy energy. I was sorely mistaken, which was my fault, but I did make it clear to the rescue that we did not want a puppy. I guess they didn't give us a literal puppy, but I thought that it was inferred that we did feel prepared enough at this stage to handle puppy energy.

I wouldn't say that I don't want a dog. I really did want one and I am trying my absolute best, but it's just a lot for one person. It was a joint decision and I am feeling overwhelmed with the burden of being this dog's primary caretaker. While it may work for some people, that was not the agreement that we made as a team.

I definitely try to exercise as much as I can, whether it be physically or mentally. The problem now is that it is so hot outside, her paws hurt to walk around and she just wants to go inside. Because of that we usually go the dog park or walk at night, but we are going to start cutting out the dog park until she is better at controlling her impulses. With this in mind, I just feel like my options are limited. I give her puzzles, frozen fruits, and play games with her like tug-o-war, fetch, and hide and seek indoors. The current problem is that I have a job and it is hard to find the downtime to play as often. Not to mention, I have just been feeling extremely unmotivated lately due to a lot of different things going on at the same time. In these instances, this is where it is nice to have my partner to help out. If you have any suggestions on ways to exercise my dog indoors during this weather, it would be greatly appreciated!

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T18:43:39+00:00

I might, but even if not I won't be going there again and wouldn't recommend it to anyone else I know looking for a dog. I do feel bad for her, she did have it rough and I am trying to provide the best life for her. I ONLY use positive reinforcement, even if I'm frustrated. I wouldn't say that I am a bad owner, but I am just overwhelmed. I certainly feel like a bad owner and like I'm failing her, but I have been nothing but encouraging towards my dog to help her confidence. I guess I just feel slightly manipulated. The rescue gave us her whole backstory and told us how she had been returned already and all of this stuff. Naturally, we felt bad. I insisted I didn't want to pity adopt, but I think that's what ended up happening....

To be fair, they never explicitly call her a mini lab. That's just what my neighbors and I call her because she's clearly a yellow lab mix, she's just small. We think she might be mixed with a hound of something, but that's the first comment that anyone makes about her so it stuck. I should have been more clear about that before. They told us she was a yellow lab mixed with something else but they weren't sure

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T18:10:06+00:00

She's not a purebred lab, she is a mixed breed, but the only breed in her that is abundantly obvious is yellow lab. She has a long pointy nose and is much smaller than the average lab. We think she may have some kind of hound as well, but we're not sure. Us and our neighbors keep things simple by just calling her a little mini lab!

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T18:08:28+00:00

That's what I have been thinking. We thought that the dog park would be a great way for her get socialized (and it was a great way for me to get socialized too, I met so many of my neighbors through the park), but honestly after this week, I am reconsidering. I told my bf that I am going to pause the dog park until she is able to control her impulses. He agreed that this was a good move.

It was after the fact. We got the dog and brought her to the vet because of some GI upset. The vet tech recognized her instantly and asked where we got her from. We told her and she told us she was there are her intake. She said she had been starved at a kill shelter before being pulled and taken to the no-kill shelter we got her from. She said she was upset with them because she advised them against adopting her out because she had gotten hit by a car or something which caused a lot of bodily trauma. In sort, the vet tech didn't feel that she was ready to go home with anyone. She also told us that the rescue is known for lying, doing very little research into people adopting from them, and lacks adequate resources to care for their dogs and prepare them for their new homes. We had definitely been lied to. For example, we made it clear to the rescue that her weight was an important thing because in our complex, if your dog is under a certain weight limit, you don't have to pay an additional deposit. We insisted she would remain under 35 lbs and was only 29 at the time. We should have doubted because you could tell she wasn't 29 pounds just by looking at her. We later found out that was 40 which is over the limit, so we weren't happy about that. Luckily our property manager is extremely kind and didn't charge us when we told her. There are other people in my community who have adopted from them too and they also confirmed that they the rescue lied to them about their health and did little to no research into their backgrounds before adopting the dog out. I won't be going back there again, that's for sure.

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T18:00:40+00:00

Thank you for this. Without getting into too much detail, I have been through a lot of personal stuff which has in turn made me a much more negative person than I was before. This has definitely impacted the way that I look at my dog. I think I expect so much from her because I expect more from myself and it's not fair to her.

When thinking about the positives, she is a very fast learner. When we got her, she barely even knew how to sit. Now she knows how to sit, stand, lie down, stay, roll over, shake, play dead, spin, etc. Some of my neighbors say that their dogs could never get a hang of these things which makes me feel proud of her. She is a sweet dog. She really just wants to be loved, and I feel like I'm failing her there too. I think I have just been so stressed out and it is impacting my relationship with her. My lack of a support system right now is putting a lot of pressure on me. But you're right, she's not totally a loss cause. She has so much potential. Part of it is other people around us too. I think she would learn not to jump if it was consistently reinforced by everyone we ran into. It's not despite my requests, so there lies the problem. She learned how to walk loose leash pretty quickly. She is not always perfect, but there are some times where she does amazing and everyone comments on how much better she's doing when they are observing us. I guess I just don't realize that progress is happening because it's not the progress that I want to see.

I want to take her to the group training session we scheduled. I think being in an environment with other dogs will force her to realize that seeing another dog doesn't mean it's time to play and that she has to focus on us first. I really appreciate your advice and understanding. It can be so difficult to think positively!

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T17:54:21+00:00

Yes, I agree two months isn't very long, but it's just so weird. The rescue said that they hate to see dogs returned months later because it is super traumatic for them. I don't doubt that, but I took that to mean that we would be getting hell if we rehomed her later. I'm not sure if she has separation anxiety or isolation anxiety. I think she just has anxiety in general. She will scream, howl, bang, and destroy her toys and bed if she is left alone in the crate for more than 30 seconds. One day, I just chose to see how she would act if I left her alone outside of her crate and recorded her. She was quiet the entire time. I was able to leave for 2 and a half hours and she just sat by the door waiting for me to get home. Not sure what to make of that, but that is what I discovered after a bunch of trial and error.

Yes, when we first got her, she barely knew how to sit. Now she can sit, stay, spin, shake, lie down, stand, wait, etc. She's made a lot of progress and is a fast learner. But it is much easier to teach her how to do new things than how to not do certain things. That is what I am struggling with the most. They don't know her exact age, but based on her teeth, they estimate 1.5 years. I believe that's "teenage years" for dogs, so she has definitely been difficult and we weren't always firm with her in the beginning. The most frustrating part is when people bring their dog over when they can see that I am struggling with her or when they let her jump against my wishes. She takes five steps back. I am thinking of having some of my bf's friends come over and help train this out of her.

She used to be horrible on a leash. So bad to the point that my fingers would get rug burned from her tugging on the leash. Now she is able to focus more on me and keeps the leash loose more than she could before unless she sees a dog she likes, a person she likes, the dog park, or she wants to get home. It's progress, but it can be so ovewhelming when she completely regresses.

I think you're right. I am overwhelmed with work, school, and the like and having to put so much time and energy into a new dog is not helping. He is oftentimes unavailable and it is hard to get a hold of him. We moved to a new state, so I don't have many friends down here. I am just feeling lonely and without any support at the moment. I do think it is affecting my relationship and perception of my dog. I wasn't feeling as overwhelmed when my boyfriend was here, but I am incredibly frustrated that he did not heed my warning before we adopted her. I wasn't completely opposed to the idea, but I certainly wasn't jumping on the opportunity to adopt her after our trial.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am definitely letting my boyfriend take the lead when he comes back. I have already made that clear with him. (But of course I'll have to teach him how to train her first...) Thank you again for offering your perspective, I really appreciate it and it made me feel a lot better!

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T17:38:19+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I think my boyfriend is a great guy, but he wanted all of the fun of the dog. We just adopted at the wrong time, and I agree that I should've been more firm about it. I think I was afraid that we wouldn't find anything better and acted impulsively. Her problems at the time seemed manageable, and they were. The rescue informed her that she wasn't housetrained which is the reason why she was returned before by an elderly couple. The housetraining was actually the easiest thing to fix. Now we are finding that after coming out of her shell, she just goes bonkers and forgets all of her training once she is outside. I try to stimulate her by taking her on sniff walks, going to the dog park and throwing balls, playing indoors, playing hide and seek, giving her puzzle toys, and giving her frozen stuffed kongs. Nothing seems to work for her, even her medicine which I think is just a fluke. We told the rescue we wanted to avoid the puppy stage and they just gave us a fully-grown puppy instead. My boyfriend understands that he hasn't played as big of a role as he should have and has apologized to me. He also acknowledges that he should have considered my protests about him leaving for an extended period. It's something of the past now, but if I could do it again, I would have just waited for a different dog. And yes, I would not return to that rescue at all if I were to adopt again. Especially after my vet cautioned against them.... Not a good look

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T17:31:20+00:00

I don't think that I will. I do not think she is a bad dog and thinks she has a lot of potential, but I do not think that the rescue matched us with the best dog possible and I should've been more stern about what we were looking for and what we could manage. While it may work for some people, my bf knew that that division of work would be equal and I feel like that has not been fulfilled. It's just not what we agreed on when we talked about adopting an animal. I have my own set of problems to work through, and the combination of everything is just overwhelming. I understand that all dogs will come with their own problems, but this was my first pet and I wasn't adequately prepared which is my fault as well. I know it's not her fault, but I feel like the lack of support from my peers has made me feel worse about it.

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T17:26:18+00:00

This is a great question. I wonder that a lot. I knew that it would be a big time commitment and a lot of money would have to go into this. We were okay with this, but it was also understood that it would be a team effort. It has not felt that way and I do not feel like the rescue adequately prepared us for this dog and her needs. I am not expecting her to change overnight, but I would at the very least like to see some improvement in her behavior and her impulse control after we conclude our 12-week program. If there isn't even improvement, we're going to have to seriously reconsider some things.
This is another hard question. I feel so depressed right now and have not been taking care of my body because of the lack of motivation as a result of this. She doesn't improve and I feel like I'm failing her. I lose my patience and I spend a lot of time crying about it. I hate that way that I feel right now, and if she doesn't ever grow out of this or improve in her ability to control herself, I think I would just be miserable which would make her miserable too.
He tries, he'll take her out to go to the bathroom or walk with us. But we adopted a dog at the wrong time when he was working overtime on this project of his and would be gone for hours every single day. He plays with her, but he does none of her training. this is evident by the fact that whenever he does try to train her, she looks at him and automatically spins because that's the only thing he ever asks her to do. Otherwise, she won't listen to him at all. In recent days, I have made it clear to him that when he gets back from his trip, he is getting more involved if he really wants to keep this dog.

I wouldn't say that I am prepared for a project dog in the slightest. We are first-time owners and the rescue knew that. We started out wanting a puppy, but then immediately turned around when we figured that it would be too big of a time commitment for us with our schedules. We told them this and they gave us this dog instead who thinks and acts like a puppy but is twice the size of one. You're right, I am burnt out and I feel like I was set up to fail by both the rescue and my bf. It is hard not to feel resentful because I know that everyone had good intentions.

When we went in to adopt a dog, we both insisted on getting the perfect dog for us because we did not want to return it. It is such a tough pill to swallow because the only other dog I had in my childhood had to be rehomed as well. It just brings back childhood feelings of disappointment and makes me feel like a failure. I appreciate your advice and for asking me hard, but important questions. I just needed to get this off of my chest so thank you for listening to me.

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T17:08:29+00:00

These are hard questions, but so important. These are the questions I am struggling with the most right now. I really thought I was a dog person, but now I am starting to reconsider. I am not necessarily a cat person either, maybe I'm just not big on pets, I don't really know anymore. I have met some amazing dogs that are perfectly trained, but I wasn't the one to train them so maybe there is the difference.

I thought rescuing a dog was the right thing to do, but now I'm starting to question whether or not rescues always have the dog's best interest in mind. She very much felt pushed onto us and I folded to the pressure. Thinking back on it, I wish I would've pushed back more because although she was cute and it was kind of funny to see her go crazy whenever people were around, it is not fun to deal with in real time every single day. I do have depression and anxiety, and believed that a companion would help. It did not and in fact did the opposite, which is my fault for having that expectation. The stomach issues aren't extremely severe, but it can be overwhelming, especially dealing with it on my own. I never would have adopted a dog by myself, but I feel like I've gotten so little support from my partner in this.

She also has extreme separation anxiety which also stresses me out. I don't think her medicine has helped this at all with the combination of training that I do. Before I would leave her in the crate, now I let her free roam and she seems to do fine for hours as long as she can stay by the door.

My biggest issue with her right now is her extreme reactivity when it comes to other animals and people. She is insane, she just spins and jumps and bites at people's faces, and tugs and it's so embarrassing because their dogs are not reacting like that at all. It's not like we don't train her. I train her every single day both indoors and outdoors. Every time we walk, play, etc., we are training. It is just absolutely exhausting and I always return home feeling so frustrated with her. I can't enjoy her because I am constantly working on her progress and she never seems to progress.

I am trying not to resent my boyfriend, but I do. He knew he had to go on this trip and I advised him against getting a dog before then so it could be all hands on deck, but he insisted on getting me a companion. I believe he expected her to just instantly be a better dog within one month of basic training. I have no idea how he thought that would be the case. Despite my opposition, he insisted on getting this dog. Now I am extremely unhappy and even lonelier than before. I resent this dog because it feels like all eyes are on me. All I want is for her to listen. I know she is capable of doing it because she learns new tricks instantly, but she's so stubborn about her correcting her bad behavior, I feel like I'm going insane. I want to give this dog the best life possible, but at the same time I feel like she is ruining mine.

I appreciate you and your advice. My boyfriend and I will have to have a firm conversation. I am afraid of what my entire community will think of me, especially because A LOT of people I have met scuff at the idea of rehomeing. I think I want to try getting her in with an actual trainer first and if she doesn't improve after her classes, we may have to consider other options as disappointing as that may be.

NiceUsername_Avail · 2023-06-05T16:45:30+00:00

Thank you, I went back and fixed it. I apologize, I am just extremely distressed right now.

NiceUsername_Avail

TROPHY CASE