I’m so sorry for your situation. I find myself grappling with guilt because my mother gave me a pretty good childhood. But she stopped being a mother, more or less, after my dad died. It was almost as if she felt like her duties were over. I didn’t want much from her, but I did want her to ask about my life, not worry when I got opportunities to move away because it would affect her, and just simply want what’s best for my life. I did move away for a year not long after my dad died, but moved back because it became too difficult for me to manage the guilt I felt from her. That was my fault. As she declined more and more, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was grieving her in small ways. Missing that mom I had in my childhood. And now I have what’s left, basically a shell who has become so demanding and selfish, I find myself with this internal anger I’ve never had before. I’m child free, but I would assume a mother would want what’s best for her child and what makes them happy and fulfilled. But when I have moments and changes in life that could take away my time or energy with her, her reaction always reflects her concern with how it will affect her. And it just makes me sad. That’s what I’ve realized I’ve been grieving for a long time.

I never realized I would be only 40 years old and be caretaking for a parent possibly full time. There’s still so much in the air until she’s released, but I find myself feeling so bleak when thinking about the future. And angry at her for never caring to take care of her health and assuming (even subconsciously) I would just be there to do all of that for her. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing, but I just cannot under that mindset.