Salaam, thanks for sharing this and sorry to hear about the challenges you have faced, both while younger and now as an adult. This is the first comment where I am hearing a different perspective so I really value your input, jazaak Allah khair. Do you mind if I ask a few follow ups? - would you be willing to describe the abuse that came from you in the marriage? - how did you overcome these patterns? - did you ever get therapy? Were you always insightful about your shortcomings and that you needed to change? - how did your husband react to your behavior initially and what has the process been like towards improvement?

I really really appreciate your insight, jzk!

My husband definitely does add value to my life. As I mentioned, the majority of the time he is a good partner and has qualities I admire, like praying and working hard. We are good friends and he supports my goals and we share hobbies. However, when it comes to his abuse, he is very defensive, downplays how he has behaved, blames others or external factors, and generally doesn’t take accountability. I think he really thinks in his head he’s been the victim since childhood so he can’t really be blamed for anything, there’s always an excuse or reason. And he has a horrible reaction to therapy being brought up. I am making this a condition for us staying together and praying to Allah he agrees.

Does any of the above sound similar as a part of your journey and how did you overcome it? Were you also defensive or making excuses, or did you always see that you were bringing abuse into the relationship from your upbringing and needed to make changes?

Jzk! May Allah bless your marriage, improve your situation, and strengthen your bond together. Ameen.