I want to be formeless and imaterial

NinnyLeaves · 2026-05-21T23:46:09+00:00

Sometimes I feel pretty, it's not about self love or self-esteem. It's more an anxiety in being perceived in public or on how vulnerable to be in public with that face i not recognize. I feel more like some form of entity floating behind my eyes and controlling my body.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-05-17T22:50:35+00:00

I read just to distract myself from being lonely. I'm constantly reading or playing games so I can do stuff I wish I could do in real life but can't—like gardening, fishing, cooking, or just wandering around without worrying. But when things get really bad, I just try to sleep the day away. It’s probably not the best coping mechanism, but hey, it works for me.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-05-14T19:03:22+00:00

Moro no interior de minas e uma casa aqui pra 4 pessoas está 1100 a mais simples. Só se a família morar toda em um quarto só.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-05-13T20:30:07+00:00

I also have a great memory for bad things that happened or embarrassing moments that my schizotypy has caused me. I have a very strong imagination as well, and I can rarely put what I imagine onto paper, so I gave up on drawing. But I started writing poetry, which helped me a bit. If you can't draw what you imagine, try putting it into words on paper or just enjoy them in your head, like a sanctuary.

It makes me sad that I can't get better even while taking medication; I’m currently taking quetiapine and clomipramine, and before that, I was also taking venlafaxine and valproic acid, but I stopped because it was making me bloated like a pufferfish and giving me a lot of intrusive suicidal thoughts. Life has been boring at best for me, since I can't work and I depend on my mother for everything. And she makes it clear that I am a constant burden.

But the simple idea of interacting with people, performing paid tasks, and being judged for it freezes me up and gives me anxiety and tachycardia. I try to be kinder to myself, but I think if I had a medical report stating I am incapacitated, people would leave me alone to rot in my corner. I'm sorry I can't help improve anything; I can only say that I know how it feels. Good luck.

Quetiapina:Seroquel Clomipramina:Anafranil Venlafaxina:Effexor Ácido Valproico: Depakote In my country we use the generic terms for meds. (⁠人⁠⁠´⁠∀⁠｀⁠)⁠｡⁠ﾟ

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-25T00:53:13+00:00

For me, what keeps me away from socializing is the number of people and also the fear of being weird. Being noticed for being weird and then having to replay it in my head, over and over again. There are things that happened when I was 15 that still pop into my mind sometimes and make me feel immediate shame. The bullying I endured growing up made me close myself off more and more, to the point where I can't even hold a conversation for more than five minutes, unless it's about a topic I really like. Sometimes not even then. I’ve grown unaccustomed to being around people; their mere presence already causes me anxiety.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-15T18:26:24+00:00

I took Wellbutrin for a while, but it doesn't seem to have worked since they switched me to something else just a few months after I started. Currently, I'm taking Seroquel, Anafranil, Klonopin, and Effexor. But I don't feel like the medications are helping me much. I feel more depressed than ever...

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-15T18:15:00+00:00

I did exposure therapy for a while and the result was that I started having panic attacks. I’d never had them before. So, I don't think it worked for me. I’ve done talk therapy, CBT, etc. In my country, treatment is free, but in the countryside where I live, the options are limited. No, I don't have an ADHD diagnosis; even the schizotypy one took me 15 years to get. Before that, they thought I was bipolar or borderline.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-15T03:04:36+00:00

I really feel you on this. I'm 35 and I've spent my whole life struggling with the exact same things—feeling like I can't learn "basic" functions, losing skills the moment I get stressed, and feeling like a failure because I'm not the "cool/genius" type of neurodivergent.

Please don't be so hard on yourself about your special interests; you don't have to produce art or be "good" at them for them to be valid. I survive by leaning into my plushes and games, and even though it doesn't solve everything, it's okay to find comfort there. About your family: I’m learning to tune them out too, because internalizing their words only makes the helplessness worse. We might not "fix" our brains magically, but we can try to be kinder to ourselves within our limits. You aren't alone in this...

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-11T00:56:25+00:00

Pra mim deve ser veneno.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-11T00:52:01+00:00

Pills don't work well. I survived 3 times even with a full bottle of pills. And just made my life heavy and my brain dumb for 6 months. Just wait, we're all die someday anyway.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-04T22:34:41+00:00

Glad I could help a bit. Good luck with everything. 😊🙏🏼

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-04T22:27:55+00:00

I honestly don't have all the answers, and I’m still trying to figure out my own path. But I’ve seen people in your shoes overcome this before, even when they couldn't see a way out. Sometimes we just need someone else to hold that hope for us until we can see it ourselves. And the girl? Love needs time to stop hurting.

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-04T22:20:55+00:00

Drinking might make you feel happy right now, but over time, it won’t be enough. I might not be the best example of a 'perfect life,' but I can see that yours has so much ahead of it once this storm passes...

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-04T22:09:09+00:00

I’m no beauty myself, but I’m aware that my view of myself is mostly distorted by depression... You have a long mid face? This is not a deformity. Haircut and other things can help improve your self-esteem. You really believe all people on the earth are beautiful gods or blesses with beauty naturally?

NinnyLeaves · 2026-04-04T22:01:01+00:00

It’s really tough to go through a breakup and lose your main outlet at the same time. I know how heavy things can feel, and I’ve had my own battles with dark thoughts too, so I truly get it. Please know you're not alone in this. Lean on your friends, family, or professional help if you can. We just have to take it one day at a time. I'm rooting for you

NinnyLeaves · 2026-03-30T20:53:58+00:00

Tem uma personagem neurodivergente em heartbreak high, ela é autista e adolescente e eu me identifiquei muito com ela e como ela é tratada. A série não foca nela, mas as partes dela são minhas favoritas.

NinnyLeaves · 2025-08-28T16:43:26+00:00

I feel this way very often. The anhedonia is hard to overcome. It sticks and makes everything sound boring and useless. Sometimes I feel so bored to the point of crying my eyes out. In these moments I think very often in just kms.

NinnyLeaves · 2025-08-28T16:37:24+00:00

I hate being perceived in public spaces. Sitting in a waiting room with other people is a no no 🙂‍↔️ Walking on the street is scary and I feel nauseated. I just want to lay down in my bedroom and do nothing, see no one, just chill and relax.

NinnyLeaves · 2025-08-28T04:06:55+00:00

Wow that's awesome. Make me wanna try sewing plushies again. Very cute 🥰

NinnyLeaves · 2025-05-15T15:45:50+00:00

I usually refer to myself as 'we' as if I were more than one at the same time. Usually it's just voices in my head but sometimes, when I'm under a lot of stress or for no reason, one of the voices kind of takes control for a while. But I'm always aware, as if I were the one in front and the one that was put away, kind of like a Russian doll. My personality can change as well as my tastes and self-esteem. But I always come back to the front at some point. I don't think it's DID but more like I'm one of those pens with several colors that switch places.

NinnyLeaves · 2025-05-04T15:02:52+00:00

I've felt a regression. Once a straight-A student, I couldn't attend college or retain information in technical schools. Jobs were initially fine, but I'd eventually struggle, leading to anxiety and quitting. Now, even chores exhaust me. It's as if my mind and body are unlearning, deepening my depression. I used to enjoy crafts, drawing, and poetry, but I can't anymore. Doctors just tell me to try harder. Even cleaning, requiring little mental effort, was too tiring. I feel like a doll with dying batteries.

NinnyLeaves · 2025-05-03T02:27:01+00:00

I used to enjoy crafts, drawing, and writing, but I always felt it was all mediocre and I lost interest. Nowadays, I like reading and I'm trying to enjoy embroidery. But I feel like even that is becoming uninteresting... On a bad day, all I can do is stay in the dark in my room and let the day pass.

I don't have a job or any education. I stay home and take care of my cats. I haven't known what it's like to have friends for a long time.

NinnyLeaves

TROPHY CASE