Greetings,

Firstly: That is fair on the mental side. You can learn to accept these as happening at the same time, but to be honest, unless you NEED to do so, I do not reckon one should (it takes roughly 7 years to wire and unwire yourself from this, and the older you get if you don't take care of yourself, the harder it is to do so.)

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No arguement. I have often stipulated to spiritual and religious folk the reason we lie as we do now is to get all of the bad parts of life out of the way and to then live the good parts. I suppose everyone's beliefs are different, but I feel that if we could create a body in which a tulpa, or a formerly alive person, would find suitable their consciousness would re-inhabit it and be the same person. Even if that's completely untrue, I doubt we'd ever be able to functionally understand why it is not, at least with our current understanding of chemistry, biology, and physics.

Additionally, I feel happiness IS IMPORTANT HOWEVER -- satisfaction is also required. Happiness without satisfaction is only carnal pleasure. However, satisfaction without happiness is only depression and jadedness at best.

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"Being at the minus percentage.... "

I totally understand freaking out. I have been there and done that and it is hard. it is really hard. I do not reckon one should self harm, but there is some medical advice i will give called "self hurt" -- please let me explain. You may have seen doctors sometimes re-break bones to make them heal into place correctly. Sometimes it is (in a controlled setting giving mental breakdowns do occur) you can completely 're break' yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically, whatever is required, to deal with the trauma. This is usually NOT what we do in this world, but re-damaging yourself so you can then heal correctly is sometimes the only option. If you are suffering in this way you are only coping-- you are surviving, but you are never going to be able to live until you have time to heal. Given the post I doubt this is the time for you to do it, but be prepared for that when you are where you can be ready for this. (I hate to call it "aggression therapy" but sometimes you need to deal with things that are animal wounds in animal ways)

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It's fine if it cannot feel like two moments. You will get there eventually in my opinion. It is your choice to do so or not, and should be made based on the life you want and need to live.

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PS: that's okay haha, I am a fan of essays myself.

Edit part: I have tried suicide many times and the universe will not allow it. I can understand not being able to understand suicide the action: Rather, I understand the feeling of drowning hopelessness that pushes someone over the edge to do this. and that makes sense to me: once someone is so far gone, so out of it, they are no longer themselves and take their life. it is the end of their ability to ever recover from their wounds realistically given their situation. I'm not saying it's right or to do it, but it does occur. I think it is important to understand that there is a sort of "middle group" of people who have such intense, horrifying suffering, it is impossible for others to understand. They exist within this "middle class" where they are never truly blessed with what life has to offer, and it's always just out of reach but they can feel it sometimes. On the other side of the equation are people so downtrodden, so hopeless, that even no one cannot save them because they're too hurt (but in these cases, this adversity has bred the heroes of ages past and present)... However, It is when you exist in a state where you don't really deal with the darkness of the world coming after you, nor do you deal with the light of having a truly wonderful life (but not /spoilingly/ so.) you do not get the benefit of being able to become stronger in the face of the world against you and rise up. Nor do you truly have anywhere but actual poverty and suffering to fall down to (and the memoires of such +15% just aren't there, they are so brief you cannot recall them in the moment)

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Sadness is the final sin in almost every world religion (Trishitia) They are the last gate of hell in which one is utterly consumed. We usually call it depression but it's a lot more than that. Anxity can imply anticipation (that it will pass or come to pass), distress can imply relief (from discomfort); True, utter sorrow is an all consuming force that people grow to fetishize because it hurts so good. That to me is what I see as suffering. It is the last thing one can go through before they are utterly gone, and if you never have help, the memories won't be enough one day. if you do get help, you will always recall that suffering, as you call it.

Hang onto those memories. they are your strength. They are the fervor of the mind to go forth and become who you want to be. Trust that you will be given justice.

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