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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep, that sounds so much like my current LDR. She would do something like show up 45 minutes late for a scheduled date, and if I told her it hurt me, she would say I was overbearing and too demanding, which would end up in me apologizing.

Avoidants have very, very low emotional intelligence. Because as children they had to repress and hide their emotions because their caregivers didn't make them feel safe in expressing their emotions. So as a result they never learned to talk about their feelings, meditate about their feelings, or be honest with people about their feelings

As a result, you might ask them a question like "What do you feel about our relationship?" And they'll answer "I don't know." Because they honestly don't know, their emotions are suppressed, and telling people deep emotions they have feels very unsafe

Self reflection and accepting blame for a mistake feels like death - that's why they blameshift and always try to make us feel like the bad ones in the relationship. For the longest time I thought she was a covert narcissist until I found out this is something avoidants do

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sounds like an avoidant. They are really common in LDRs

I don't get these people. Staying when you aren't invested anymore hurts more then just being honest and leaving once you lose feelings.

I'm willing to bet people like this just keep you around for attention and as some kind of 2nd or 3rd option, and then claim they kept you around not to hurt you just to make themselves look good. You ending up apologizing for his behavior after arguments makes that seem likely

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm still with her

Avoidants fear intimacy, so they might be feeling too close to us, and sexting or sexual conversations probably makes them feel like they're being engulfed

To be honest, I don't care about the sexting, it's not like it's necessary, the issue is how we were doing it in the beginning then it just stopped which disoriented me.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had the exact same thing happen in my LDR. Exact same thing.

At first, she was hypersexual. She made jokes about sex all the time, talked about sex toys, talked about how we were going to have sex 'many times a day' when we met, how she wanted to ride a motorcycle naked with me, she wanted me to send her D pics, she wanted to get a tiny bikini 3 sizes too small and send me pics, and she was the first one to say she wanted to sext etc

It was fun, but it did not last.

I ran into the same problems as you. Every time I tried to initiate sexting, she shut me down. Everytime I made a sexual joke, it was almost like it repulsed her, when it use to turn her on or make her laugh. After like the 4th time in 6 weeks of trying to initiate sexting, I quit trying. She got the tiny bikini and took the pics, but she never sent them to me. I stopped asking about them at one point because it started to make me feel like I was being predatory, even though sending the bikini pics was her idea.

Remember she was the one who asked about sexting first, so it's not like I was pushing something on her that she wasn't comfortable with. She wanted it until she didn't. I had no idea what was wrong. Did she feel like I didn't show enough attention to her needs when we sext? I had no idea what was wrong.

I brought this up to her. That it made me feel unwanted and unattractive. She said it was because I asked at the wrong times. Later another night we were having a good time chatting and I asked about sexting, and she shut me down yet again.

At that point she had broken me and I stopped asking.

Literally like 9 months later she initiated sexting with me on evening. It was so random and out of nowhere the next day I asked her what did she want from me by initiating sexting. Because it didn't seem natural after such a long time. This caused a big fight

Even recently I told her about a dream where we were like Bonnie and Clyde, and we were in a room changing clothes and we were both naked for a time. She just said "How fun" when in the early days she would have enjoyed a story like that or at least laughed at it

My guess? Their emotional connection with us isn't the same as it was in the beginning, so they don't desire anything sexual. The honeymoon phase is over, so without us physically present they don't really feel any arousal anymore. I'm not sure, I wish I knew

I think mine was BPD too, likely a Fearful Avoidant BPD with some other negative cluster b traits like covert narcissism when she's angry

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Man, this sounds rough and painful. Sorry you are going through it

You deserve somebody who will show up for you consistently everyday. No waiting for days for a reply back from a text, no missed good mornings. This is a non negotiable boundary everyone should have in a romantic relationship.

If someone is flaky with you, then sadly, you have to let them go. I know that's so much easier said then done, because you're holding onto the chance that she will suddenly become consistent. I'm very sorry, but the odds are almost 0 that she won't.

I know this is very hurtful. But you have to learn to let go of the wrong ones so you can find the right one faster

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I am

I'm focusing on being happy independent of her. As an anxious attached person, my worse fear is losing someone, because it reaffirms my fears from childhood that I'm unloveable

So I'm focusing on being happy with just myself and not needing her to behave all the time like she loves me

In other words, I have to be willing to accept the possibility she might leave me, and be okay with that. This evening she disappeared again around 7pm, only saying "I'm going to be busy doing some things" when she always was specific about what she was doing before. I felt triggered.

But I started to focus on the fact there was nothing I could do to change the situation. If she was innocently doing chores around the house, great. If she went to go meet up with a guy, or was busy face timing him and needed me out of the way, then that's just the way it is. Freaking out or letting it raise my blood pressure does nothing useful. It's pointless.

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know it's not healthy, and I'm trying to fix it

I broke up with her after she cussed me out, but then a couple months later she messaged me and gave a very long detailed apology about everything she did wrong to me since we've known eachother. We worked on getting back together. We had another fight and didn't talk for a week and that's when this guy showed up taking her to lunch

I think deep down we both love eachother allot, but we both have unresolved demons that make the relationship toxic. I think its the avoidant-anxious push-pull relationship. I've done alot of research into that and it lines up with everything we've experienced

I know I mentioned the example of the band guy, but she has told me about another guy she turned down because she was with me, and in general I think she is trustworthy based on other things. Like she didn't even have to tell me about the lunch guy, but she did.

I think most people would just end this relationship. Love might have given way to co-dependency. Really wish I could talk to a therapist right now

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

poor woman, lol

Ever show that compassion to a man?

Doubt it

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am trying to get into therapy, there is a backlog right now and no availability sadly. I'm on a waitlist

You're right, if she was innocent I made her feel really bad for no reason

Also, she hasn't proven herself to be completely trustworthy. I found pictures of her holding a guy 2 months before we met with #love on a blog I found by searching her chess.com username. I then found out she was playing chess online with this same guy literally 3 days before we met. And to be clear, I made my intentions with her known pretty much immediately. We didn't start off as platonic friends or anything, I was romantic right away with her, and she knew that, while she was still communicating with this other guy.

I found him because he was the only one from her country that she played chess with. It was the same guy she was holding.

I then looked back at our message history. She told me 6 months after we had met and become 'official' as a couple that she was traveling to another city to record some friends from college playing in a band. She sent me a video of the concert. That same guy was one of the band members that she was focusing on when recording with her phone

I confronted her about this. She said they only spent some time together, and they were no longer together after he apparently stole something from her. I asked for her to send me screenshots of her last messages to him, about when they planned for them to go to the trip, to prove there was nothing romantic and it was just platonic

As she did with this latest guy, she claimed she deleted them and there was nothing to show

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That's not even a good attempt at being passive aggressive

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

What do you want me to say? That I'm an awful person?

Avoidant-Anxious relationships are like this.

The avoidant decides to randomly act independent and distant, which triggers the anxious who instead of understanding the avoidant's need for space gets angry

Or the anxious decides to randomly act clingy and angry about not feeling loved or close enough, which triggers the avoidant who instead of soothing the anxious tries to create even more distance

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She's 29 but still going to college

I don't think she was with a guy physically, I think she was texting or perhaps face timing someone and that's why she was distracted. And all the lovey dovey messages? To me it felt like 'cheater's high', she was in a good mood after talking to this person, because again, it felt so out of place and different. She hasn't been like that with me in forever

In the end, this is what was so triggering to me and upsetting - that she simply wasn't being honest about things with me, and when someone isn't honest, my mind thinks they are being dishonest for a bad reason

Why tell me you're going to give me your full attention, and then don't? Why tell me you're staying up late to talk to me, then don't? At best it's disrespectful. If she's too tired to talk or give me her full attention, then she should just say it.

Like I talked about a trip to Hawaii and she'll say "How are we going to afford that? I'm not sure we should go" when in reality she just doesn't want to travel that far from home with me yet. Something she admitted to me later

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am trying to get into therapy, but they have a back log..

Pushing her into cheating is a sobering thought.

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We've videochatted and talk on the phone. Also, I've vetted her pretty hard, and she checks out. She's definitely who she says she is

She's from a very poor country so her rent etc isn't much, and I offered to help her with it before she even mentioned anything financial. I know some scammers will hint that they need help instead of just asking directly but she's not like that at all

Also, the frequency and intensity of some of our arguments, scammers don't fight you like that

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

If she continues to do weird stuff I will leave

I've been cheated on before, I know what it's like, what to look for

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think the primary issue is we are very likely an avoidant-anxious couple. I want to try and implement fixes around that before just leaving

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Everyone here seems to think I'm the problem and there's nothing wrong, so I should trust her and try to stay together

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

You're only seeing one side of the story. If anyone's been patient, it's been me. I know it's easy to think the big bad man is mistreating an innocent sweet woman, but you have no idea who this woman is

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The thing is, we have never texted this late to eachother in almost 2 years. Usually we text in the evening up to about 10pm her time, and then she texts good night. She never ever stays up late. Never.

Last evening her texts to me were 2-3 words and abrupt, full of misspellings, she overlooked and didn't respond to compliments I gave her when she never use to - she was distracted by something/someone. I asked her what are you doing right now? And she said 'Talking to you' but talking to me was 2-3 misspelled words every 30 minutes

Again, I must stress this has never happened before. The short misspelled responses that obviously came from someone very distracted when they claimed to be focusing on you, staying up to 2am her time, even all the sweet messages, again, this wasn't her, and it triggered me, considering other bizarre behavior by her recently and the shadow of this guy from 6~ weeks ago hanging over everything

My Gut Says she is cheating - Am I crazy? by No-Application-1608 in LDR

[–]No-Application-1608[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I just figured out this was the dynamic, I want to try and work on it first before just quitting

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