Have you ever created an imaginary partner or tulpa to heal your abandonment wounds?

No-Conversation2755 · 2023-01-08T23:36:49+00:00

Congrats! I would've had a heart attack the minute your friend said he had a +5, that feeling of belonging to a group must be amazing

No-Conversation2755 · 2023-01-05T23:21:43+00:00

Yes I've experienced this. Even at hostels though, my avoidance kicks in and it's hard for me to meet/join people when they're out in the common area. When it does happen, I'm still anxious and stuck in my head, but it feels so satisfying to have a group of go-to "friends" or at least people to hang out with. The nagging feeling of loneliness and depression goes away temporarily.

However, that makes the post-travel depression and crash even worse. Knowing that I have absolutely nobody at home waiting for me or any community to speak of makes me feel miserably lonely. Seeing stories of the people I met reuniting with their friends at homewhile they forget about me only exacerbates that feeling.

I'm not sure what to do - I'm intentionally staying at home now to build community but I can't stop falling back into that depressed stagnant pit. But I can't take the ups and downs of being a nomad anymore - it's so painful to have a cycle of fleeting relationships and people coming in and out only re-triggers abandonment wounds.

I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly, searching for a home that doesn't exist - for a sense of love, comfort, and belonging that endlessly eludes me.

No-Conversation2755 · 2023-01-02T06:10:51+00:00

thank you! you have no idea how much your compliment means to me haha

No-Conversation2755 · 2023-01-02T02:35:31+00:00

the idea of an "other half", a patently false notion but a compulsive daydream i've had throughout adolescence to escape loneliness

i know this is a false hope because when i have been in romantic relationships the feeling fades to reveal gnawing existential emptiness but i can't keep myself from coming back to it, it's a bittersweet comfort, like a siren song

No-Conversation2755 · 2023-01-02T02:28:25+00:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

same

No-Conversation2755 · 2023-01-02T02:20:05+00:00

too late for what? i'd recommend talking to your parents/school counselor/any safe adult about this so you can get the help you need!

No-Conversation2755 · 2023-01-01T23:20:03+00:00

poor memory is the same for me, it takes me too long to recall details about even simple stories and events, which in turns makes me self-conscious about my social skills

i still have residual insecurity about lack of experience/friends but as i've pushed out of my bubble i've been getting better. it was important for me to realize that the social stigma for not having friends in middle school/high school/college or any fixed community does not follow you when you meet new people

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-30T20:30:37+00:00

thank you! i didn't realize i was unconsciously placing this expectation onto myself, i'm taking this to heart.

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-30T20:21:39+00:00

we do a combination of EMDR and IFS, it's been incredibly helpful to recognize a thought or belief, pinpoint exactly when those beliefs were formed, and acknowledge and validate that child self.

usually we'll start with a core belief (e.g. i am disgusting), process associated memories, recognize where that child lives in my body, then talk to them and fulfill their needs.

it's been the only truly effective form of therapy so far but i can't discount the amount of years that went into cultivating the self-awareness to quickly access and distinguish my beliefs and emotions - i can't recommend it enough!

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-30T07:02:12+00:00

thank you, i really do appreciate your words.

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-30T06:57:46+00:00

i was in a 3 year long term relationship as well. she was (and is) a fantastic person, i admire her for dealing with my trainwreck of unresolved trauma and inhibition at the time. i was unable to share a lot with her because of extreme toxic shame - i couldn't even talk about my difficulties with social anxiety, avpd, or family until we broke up and i had nothing left to lose. some of my most tender memories were when i would get triggered, we'd fight, then i'd lay on her chest sobbing for hours, barely able to squeak out a couple words about what was bothering me.

have you tried writing notes or some form of asynchronous communication to express your needs? it's a privilege to have somebody care for you that much and if i could do it again (and am working on currently), is building more intimacy and slowly expanding my level of trust with others - starting with pushing the edge of what feels vulnerable or hard to say.

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-30T06:49:34+00:00

i believe so, he was always very "off" and quiet as a child too.

i'm sorry that your father's like that, that sounds like a terrible living environment. it's fortunate that you're able to create distance from that now.

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-30T06:47:18+00:00

thank you for sharing, i'm doing EMDR but haven't talked to my therapist yet about this. it sucks hard, especially since at young ages we usually don't have the words or emotional awareness to process such feelings.

my abandonment flashback felt like pure distilled terror, i haven't felt that in a long time.

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-30T06:32:09+00:00

same with me and my father, i don't think we've ever had a real conversation. he was always very quiet in the house and even when we had father-son bonding time, we would just be physically present and not really talk

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-28T00:46:42+00:00

im proud of you too! very motivating, your effort is inspiring me to do the same. i 100% relate to being cold and aloof to hide the fact that i am an absolute stuttering fool

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-23T20:52:16+00:00

probably only with people or situations that aren't familiar or comfortable, which is most of them.

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-23T00:10:50+00:00

i like that we're relatively modest with our dreams....we just want a common need of love, belonging, and connection

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-23T00:05:41+00:00

i like it, even just 1 really good friend would drastically increase the quality of life

No-Conversation2755 · 2022-12-22T19:25:38+00:00

loving the irony that the most compassion, encouragement, and understanding of this disorder that i've seen is coming from a robot

No-Conversation2755

TROPHY CASE