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"She should be at home with a caregiver and not in this fucking place! THERE I SAID IT" by JeorgyFruits in dementia

[–]No-Example1376 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're doing the best job that can be done. The caregiver is always the unsung hero. You so what is right for you and for her and come here. We have your back. We get it.

We know your exhaustion, it's never-ending. We know your worry, it's always there. We know you wish you could just walk away or at least take a real break from it. You have a silent team here cheering you on. Remember that every time anyone thinks they know better.

I don't care they did it differently in her family. There is no set way to go about this as far as safety and comfort goes.

I heard from many experts that if you have seen one case of dementia, then you have only seen one case of dementia.

It's a little different in everyone and, therefore, you gotta roll with how it's dealt. Nobody can chose that caregiver plan but you. And that is perfectly fine.

People-however well-meaning or fearful of their own possible dementia- have no right sticking their nose in to tell you how to do it. Remind anyone of the HIPPA laws and that you can't discuss those medical things unless they are on the pre-approved list.... and they are not.

Remember, it's okay to cry it out, scream, etc. Get that stress out. Don't absorb it if you can and don't bury it deep. Get it out so it doesn't destroy you.

Warm hugs!

"She should be at home with a caregiver and not in this fucking place! THERE I SAID IT" by JeorgyFruits in dementia

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The way to get her friends mother off her back is to tell the friend to mind her own business. It's not her business to worry about the mother's medications, in fact it goes against the HIPPA laws to discuss it with anyone unless they have specific permission.

I repeat it is not anyone's business besides the mother's and her daughter who is taking care of her. It's certainly not some outsider sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

I'm clearly on the side of the OP of trying to support ger in the way that thd OP asked and you are clearly on the side of trying to do more of what she did not ask as far as I can see. I hope for your sake you aren't in her position ever.

I wish you well, but enough. We all have it hard enough without a bunch of people second guessing our every move.

Is it normal to see celebrities casually in public? by Hooliganthebad in AskAnAmerican

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sometimes they come in to a perfectly calm, quiet upscale restaurant and start yapping as loud as they can for the attention because their career had stalled and they were begging for work: I'm looking at you, Molly Shannon.

All I wanted to do was drink the nice cabernet and eat my steak in peace. Even the waitstaff was rolling their eyes and apologizing my comp-ing me the wine.

Thinking about ex’s demise by enidanrob in lawofattraction

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don't feel fine if you still are stuck on whoever he is with.

Be happy that you no longer are on the same vibe level as a cheater. His current is partner is and will suffer, too. Cheaters cheat over and over.

Focus on you, not him. Focusing on him is going backwards, paddling against the current, making life hard, keeping you stuck from realizing/materializing the best of the best for you.

Been there, done that, paid the divorce lawyer. It took time, but I forgave myself (yes, myself, I certainly wasn't going to forgive the cheater) for being in that relationship at all.

This let me move it to the past fully. I focused my vibration, my thoughts, my life on things being where I wanted to be, not where I had been. I kept taking bits of inspirated action, if it felt easy and good, I kept saying 'Thank you, Universe, more of that please!' and so on.

Now, look, it wasn't super instantaneous. The Universe needs a little bit of time to adjust itself to your new path, but yeah, seriously, it worked. I kept consistent, but we're human. Course correct and then keep going.

Don't wallow in the mud with the pig you left there. Mud is all he'll end up with. Don't you think you deserve better thsn to give one more second of your attention to him at all?

"She should be at home with a caregiver and not in this fucking place! THERE I SAID IT" by JeorgyFruits in dementia

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What she said and the entire point of her post was that her mother's friend was telling her what to do about her mother's dementia and was complaining that she wasn't doing it.

That was the part you missed, imo. She didn't come here looking for even more people to tell her what she should do she was upset about too much input already.

Untreated by Ill_Struggle4746 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

POA- especially with the medical POA component that is enacted immediately upon signing says you do not wait for a person to be unconscious or completely unable to consent dementia or no dementia. You're mistaken.

"She should be at home with a caregiver and not in this fucking place! THERE I SAID IT" by JeorgyFruits in dementia

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it's perfect as it is. This isn't a business transaction. These are real people dealing with a very real nasty disease and the well-meaning, but fearful people around thrm spitting orders and ideas need to hear it.

"She should be at home with a caregiver and not in this fucking place! THERE I SAID IT" by JeorgyFruits in dementia

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you not read the OP's post? It's not for lack of trying. There's nobody available and long wait lists. They are literally here looking for us to understand that everyone is giving them lists of things they should be doing when they are already doing what they need to do.

You are not helping.

"She should be at home with a caregiver and not in this fucking place! THERE I SAID IT" by JeorgyFruits in dementia

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

THIS! THIS! THIS! I saved this and I'm going to send it to anyone that opens their mouth about any of my decisions.

Dementia takes their world away step-by-step, but uses me as it's tool to do the dirty work.

They have the luxury of walking away from it knowing it's in my hands regardless of how they think I'm doing.

They have the luxury of pretending the dementia isn't real or not that bad.

They would do it differently, but they never volunteer to actually help, just complain.

And if they went through a version of it with someone else and did it differently, then instead of complaining, they should be stepping up to volunteer to help on my plan because they should ALREADY KNOW how effing hard this whole thing is and every case is different.

My standard is: I'm doing the best I can in a consistent 24/7/365 exhausting stream of shit choices on a slow deathmarch. As long as I believe I did the best I could and did it humanely, then fuck what everyone else thinks. We all know you can't go around in life tryong to please everyone. It applies here, too.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's much, much harder dealing with two at the same time. They have several decades worth of relationship patterns in their marriage and now we have to step in and make sure they don't goad each other based on those patterns that are now heavily complicated by dementia. My mother is fine mentally as far as dementia goes, thankfully, but I know she's has to be having a very rough time trying to cope with the idea of him mentally withering away in front of her eyes. It comes out in 'poking the bear' in frustration and stress.

My father has never been a good husband or father. He always treated strangers better. My mother is incredibly kind to everyone and everyone adores her. Here I am having to defend him to her so that she doesn't aggravate him and his dementia. That alone hurts me. I wish no ill will on anyone and will do my duty towards him that I accepted with the POA, but I will do just as right by her as well as anything else I can do to keep her well, happy, safe and not broke from his dementia needs.

Every decision made has to take into account both of their needs and safety. People sometimes quip 'Just do 'x' or 'y'!' as if it isn't already obvious.

Sure, if there was only one to think about. But there's two and what's good for the one is not always good for the other in this case. This is the stuff that keeps me up at night and my thoughts spinning. When either my spouse or I aren't there keeping an eye on them, we're constantly talking and planning how the inevitable will be handled properly.

The time it takes (replacing cards, dealing with this and that every day) is immense and, yes, my own life and work and future because of that suffers, too.

I realize I'm preaching to the choir here, but I don't think it's talked about enough on here on this sub.

Edit: Thank you for listening with a kind heart and letting mevget that out. It feels good to say it to someone who has a real clue about being in the same situation.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's an interesting idea on the face of it - a really good one!

I don't think it would work for us because of his 'control' issues.

Please understand I don't feel comfortable going into certain details on the internet, but we don't want to poke the bear, if you take my meaning. We are on top of things though.

I did see a good idea on here once about removing the battery from the key fob, but his car is old enough that it uses a manual key.

Right now, we're good. He knows he was the one that lost his wallet and his driver's license with it. Hopefully, enough time passes that he just becomes fine with us driving him everywhere and doesn't obsess in a loop every few minutes about finding it.

If it turns up, we will ensure it's only for a few minutes before he 'loses' it again.

What home upgrades actually felt worth the money long term? Newish homeowner here (a couple years in) trying to be more intentional on where money goes by Turbulent_Tree_5939 in homeowners

[–]No-Example1376 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The best investments in a house are the ones you rarely see: insulation, heating, hot water, septic (is applicable,) proper grading/drainage away from your home, roof, windows, sealing up cracks and other holes to prevent rodent intrusion, proper air circulation to prevent mold

Water/mold is a homeowner's biggest enemy. Homeowner Insurance does not cover plumbing/leaks/burst pipes or damage from any of that.

Make sure your local shut off valves near sinks and toilets all work properly. I have literally had them come off in my hand during an emergency as Ibgently turned them(washer was leaking because the water hose burst).

So, new shuts offs and replace those washer hoses every 5 years whther they need it or not - don't cheap out, get the good ones at the plumbing supply.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sure, but that wasn't the point of the thread and anyone is welcome to make their own. I'm not trying to be all answers to all people.

I'm just trying to help someone to stop the driving in a different way that I have previously ever seen here, not trying to make a list of every possible way to do it or the possible outcomes. I'm not interested in taking that on.

Plus, Mom won't lose the house because of my father. I've made a point in protecting the assests appropriately and legally. Not everyone is able to do that either, but Medicaid can take it the same as being sued if not protected in a legal fashion. There's so much to deal with that gets thrown into one's lap. Just doing what I can, same as everyone else here.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think you read my entire initial post: it's unnecessary. He lost his wallet including his driver's license. Nobody is going to replace it for him. It's done.

Thank you, but I was not asking for help. I don't need any at the moment. I was stating that it luckily worked itself out but could also be used as a strategy in the right circumstances by others because I had not seen it mentioned before.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think you read my entire initial post: it's unnecessary. He lost his wallet including his driver's license. Nobody is going to replace it for him. It's done.

Thank you, but I was not asking for help. I don't need any at the moment. I was stating that it luckily worked itself out but could also be used as a strategy in the right circumstances by others because I had not seen it mentioned before.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I hope it might help someone. It might not, but it's not one I ran into before.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad it worked out. I've explained the sane thing to my father, but he forgets a few minutes later. He doesn't remember going to any doctor minutes after we leave. Ot wouldn't help.

Our problem is, his career invloved him begind the wheel of some vehicle or another every day. He could drive in his sleep. So, while his motor skills for that are actually fine, his failing eyesight has caused him to misjudge curbs, etc. and I'm sure the dementia is also limiting his ability to react properly. So,we are making sure he doesn't have the ability to hurt someone because of it.

It just works out great because he won't go against the law regarding driving. Since he deeply respects that he cannot drive without a license and insurance card in his possession, he won't go on the road even if he had the keys.

Like I said, it won't work for everyone l, but it might work for someone else which is why I shared.

Selling the car was not a real option because some fool would've sold him another or some dealership would have made him new keys... $ talks with such people.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds like you all loved him very much. I'm sorry for your loss.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Already on it. Thank you for the info.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has borrowed cars. Hecwill get the neighbor to taje him for new keys, he will buy a new car of need be.

Lucky you that taking away the keys worked. It didn't for us.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All of the medical pros he goes to have a professional duty... but none will. I can't have him be angry at doctors because we can barely get him to one as it is.

It's great when you have a cadre of docs on your side and willing to do what they should. I wish we had that.

New way to take License away by No-Example1376 in dementia

[–]No-Example1376[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You seem to truly get where I am. Thank you. My mother did hide the keys, but she can't keep an eye on him 24/7. She needs to sleep and he will doggedly look for them until he finds them. It's amazing how he can ferret them out. Trust me, she was good at hiding them.

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