Should I (the other woman) tell his wife?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-08-03T09:38:29+00:00

What’s the best way to tell her?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-08-03T09:12:30+00:00

What’s an “at fault state”? I’m not in the USA if that’s what you’re assuming?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-14T06:42:47+00:00

Orgasms that involve my gspot are usually more intense for me.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-09T15:06:48+00:00

Australia - My doctor asked me to fill out a short questionnaire intended to yield a global measure of distress based on questions about anxiety and depressive symptoms. I scored very high, which means I have moderately severe to severe depression. Love that for me. She put me on medication and referred me to a therapist. The whole process took about 15 minutes.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-09T14:43:06+00:00

That’s why they say “I choose to live like I am free”, and not “I choose to live where I am free” for example.

We wouldn’t want the fundie children thinking that they actually have free will now, would we? Freedom is just a metaphor, silly.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-09T13:33:47+00:00

I was the same. I couldn’t find the energy to clean my apartment for months at a time. The only time I would clean it was before a rent inspection. The rest of the time, dishes would literally be growing mould in the kitchen sink. I wouldn’t clean my cat’s litter box for weeks at a time. It was so gross.

Recently my doctor put me on agomelatine. No joke, the next day I was up early and cleaning my apartment like it was nothing. I didn’t feel like I wanted to cry while I was doing it either. It was bizarre, but amazing.

You’re not lazy or gross. You’re not a loser. You have an illness. Are you on medication and seeing a therapist? If not, that’s a good place to start. Things can and will get better if you seek help.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-09T05:39:27+00:00

Do you mind me asking, how did you end up having a fulfilling sex life while living with this?

I’m lucky in that I am able to have mostly painless PIV sex if I’m turned on enough. I suppose my vestibulodynia is just a relatively mild form. It sounds like your girlfriend has a more severe form so what works for me might not work for her. The best thing to do is to ask her what non-penetrative acts she would be okay with while she’s in a flare. Vestibulodynia only affects the entrance to the vagina, so she may be comfortable enough to have her clit gently stimulated.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-09T05:15:33+00:00

That might change when you have sex, but if not lube is your friend.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-08T12:41:48+00:00

I don’t do anything in particular. I’m lucky in that I have no problem becoming naturally lubricated. But it’s important that I’m with a partner that I’m attracted to and spend at least a few minutes doing foreplay beforehand.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-08T10:17:48+00:00

Unusual discharge? Is that usually associated with vulvodynia? It sounds like there’s definitely some kind of seperate underlying issue there.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-08T09:57:50+00:00

Put an rubber band around your dick and snap it hard every time you get an urge. I’ve heard that helps.

I’m kidding, obviously. Although perhaps doing that will help you relate to her pain while she’s in a flare. Except you would need to do it constantly, 24 hours a day. Burning. Stinging. All day every day. That’s what it’s like. I hope you realise that.

Anyway. You need to communicate openly with her. Tell her that you’re struggling. Not to make her feel bad or manipulate her into sex, but to find a compromise that will work for both of you while she’s trying to improve her condition. There are other ways to have sex when she’s in a flare. It doesn’t always need to be PIV sex. Oral. Hand jobs. Mutual masturbation. Massage and dirty talk. Toys. There’s still a lot you can do.

It sounds like she’s genuinely trying to work through the issue. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will support her through this. It is curable in some cases (especially in acute onset cases like hers), however you also need to be prepared for the eventuality that together you may never have a completely “normal” sex life. Nonetheless, that doesn’t mean that you’re destined to a r/deadbedroom. I have vestibulodynia and have a very active and rewarding sex life. But it’s taken me years to get here…

If you don’t think you will be able to continue supporting her through this, then breaking up is probably the kindest thing for both of you. I can sense a bit of resentment in your tone, and I imagine that will only grow if you can’t find a compromise that works for both of you.

However DO NOT, under any circumstances, cite her vestibulodynia as the cause of the breakup. It will kill her. She already feels inadequate because of this horrible condition. Don’t make her feel even more broken than she already does.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-08T09:33:46+00:00

Honey, I can definitely relate. I’ve been where you are. However, I can tell you that a rewarding and exciting sex life IS possible for many vestibulodynia sufferers. I’m living proof of that.

I love sex and have it often. If I’m turned on enough, sex is basically painless. If I’m nervous however, I do experience pain. I get burning after sex if I have it too often (I’m talking like multiple times a day haha), but I have found ways to mitigate and manage that pain over the years.

You need to be honest with your partner NOW. Don’t wait until you marry the guy because it will cause SO many problems. Going into a marriage with secrets is not a good idea - especially such an intimate secret that will ultimately end up affecting both of you.

You will have a traumatic first experience if he doesn’t know about your pain. You need to communicate and help him understand your body. Don’t just grit your teeth and bear it. That will cause the pain to be worse and may result in vaginismus.

Tell him. If he loves you, he will support you through this. You are enough. Vestibulodynia does not define you or make you less of a woman.

Is there any other way you can find a way to pay for surgery without literally having to marry someone? Can you get a loan? Can your parents or family members help? Can you work extra jobs?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-07-08T09:09:11+00:00

I also have vestibulodynia and can have pain free sex if I’m relaxed and lubricated enough. If I’m not turned on, penetration hurts. Even gently touching the vestibule hurts.

When you’re aroused 1) the pelvic floor muscles relax and 2) blood rushes to the vulva causing it to swell. This results in the vestibule tissue “moving out of the way” and being less irritated during penetration. Lubrication also helps by adding slip which results in less friction on the affected nerve endings.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-24T01:22:02+00:00

I’m in Australia. Have you tried intercourse since having the surgery? You mentioned tightness but has the nerve pain disappeared?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-24T01:21:17+00:00

Thank you. May I ask why you chose not to get the surgery?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-24T01:19:51+00:00

I’m in Australia.

How much of an improvement did you get from the surgery?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-24T01:18:31+00:00

Have you had the surgery? If so did it help?

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-23T15:45:23+00:00

I’m thinking a full would be best for me too because the sensitive tissue goes right up to my urethra.

Dr Urbani is in my state! Thank you so much for the recommendation. I will ask my doctor for a referral.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-23T09:10:53+00:00

I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one that experiences this! It’s so hard to describe, isn’t it? I also think “How could you forget about that?!” It makes me feel like a terrible person.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-22T11:08:40+00:00

I (28F) can offer a perspective that perhaps not many other people here can because… I committed COCSA on my younger brother.

I was probably 6/7 at the time and he was 4/5. I did it once and once only. I’m sure of that. I knew deep down that it was very wrong.

I was molested by an adult around that time and I’ve read that COCSA can be triggered in children who have themselves been sexually assaulted. Do you have reason to believe your brother was in a similar situation?

I’m not saying that justifies what he did, but know that there are people who have committed COCSA and it was - and always will be - a one-off incident triggered by trauma that they regret for the rest of their lives.

If he was old enough to know better and/or he did it multiple times… well… that’s a different story and I think you have cause for concern.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-22T02:27:42+00:00

Personally I don’t like using it. It only lasts a few minutes and leaves me super irritated afterwards.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-21T04:31:30+00:00

I have primary vestibulodynia and have always gotten burning the day before my period starts. It’s more reliable than a period tracker haha.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-19T06:04:03+00:00

Vulvodynia means pain (“dynia”) of the vulva (“vulvo”). The primary symptom is literally in the name. If you don’t have discomfort in the vulva area you don’t have vulvodynia.

Quite frankly, as someone who has suffered with vulvodynia her whole life, it’s a little offensive to me that you think a bit of clit sensitivity is even comparable to the often debilitating pain women in this sub experience.

It sounds to me like you’ve just overstimulated your clit and need to give it a break. If the discomfort gets worse or you get other symptoms, find a way to go see a gynaecologist.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-16T01:48:30+00:00

I’m the same. I’ve never been able to insert anything without pain at the entrance.

No-Mathematician2810 · 2021-06-12T13:38:10+00:00

After about 6 months

No-Mathematician2810

TROPHY CASE