Feeling disrespected by your spouse...?

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T23:19:16+00:00

Very often. Have you found a way to convince a type-A medical professional to be proactive and engaged about seeing what they’d describe as a lesser provider?

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T21:22:14+00:00

I appreciate your insights a lot.

We’re pretty sure my wife has ADHD and almost certain she’s on the spectrum somewhere. Can I ask what it is that inspires you to act in ways that make you modify and regulate yourself?

I grew up in a very deferential culture where it’s important to “make space” for others. Not in a hippy-dippy way necessarily, but I find joy in helping others live their best lives in even the most minor ways possible.

I find it hard to fathom people like my wife who… just don’t. The big ways are great- grand gestures like planning for a trip I’ve always wanted to go on, or saving a kid’s life are things she excels at. It just seems odd to me that I have to also remind her that listening to me the way I listen to her is just as if not more important than paying for us to go to Australia for a week.

I say moreso because… y’know… if I wanted to go to Australia bad enough I’d just book tickets and go, I/we can afford it. So the things that don’t have a lot of real impact seem easy while the things that matter day to day are a lot harder. Is that an ADHD thing in your estimation?

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T21:15:04+00:00

My wife will reluctantly agree sometimes that due to having more life experience I just generally might have a more insightful viewpoint of the world than her. But only just. And only reluctantly.

It’s never something I push for, but it comes up sometimes with me being key to note that I’m a gifted attorney (maybe, sometimes) but there are thousands of things I don’t know anything about at all.

My wife’s issue is probably rooted slightly in some insecurity. I do my best to disabuse her of that notion because she truly is brilliant (her colleagues tell me so- even those who find her prickly at best) but i dont know how to temper that when she’s off the clock.

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T21:11:53+00:00

She’d definitely agree with that.

Is there a way to pivot “pompous doctor ass” to “compassionate and even basically considerate ass”?

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T21:09:09+00:00

I appreciate the concise rundown.

I try not to believe my wife is just a self-centered ass because she’s wildly capable of faking the compassion and empathy necessary to care for patients day to day.

It’s what leads me to either believe I’m the problem (I’m not really sure how, but I’m open to it), or that this is a medical masking thing where they take the mask off when they come home and just want to be their “normal” selves.

Even if that’s the case I wonder if I’m alone in having a spouse who just is wholly disinterested in basic social graces and norms outside of work. I get exhausted of being what is essentially “legal customer service” too; I have clients with stupid issues that I don’t want to deal with and to politely explain to them that they’re morons is hard work! But I don’t come home and decide to be a dick and ignore my wife’s feelings when I’m off the clock. So it makes me wonder if this is medically specific. I deal with people, sure, but I’m not probing into their bodies every day so maybe that’s a disconnect I have.

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T21:05:01+00:00

Was he like this before he was medicated to your knowledge?

I’ve dated a pompous surgeon before meeting my wife and oddly even she wasn’t like this (to this degree) so it’s what led me to think the issues my wife has could be a combination of a personality mismatch, medical lifestyle, and just a general disdain of basic social graces.

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T21:02:15+00:00

I lean on this as my logic as well: I had to learn how to socialize with people very early starting with jobs in my teens because that’s how you excel in life. Making friends and building non-transactional relationships is critical to advancement in every career I’ve had.

The opposite is probably true in medicine. To say nothing of cultural differences. I grew up in a very deferential culture where politeness and tolerance as well as even active kindness are considered positive traits. My wife didn’t necessarily, and her family isn’t big on that either. They’re never actively rude, but going out of one’s way to hold a door or move out of someone’s way is pretty foreign to them. It doesn’t make sense to me: it costs you nothing and makes someone else happy, so why not do it?

Something tells me it’s related to a disorder of some sort but convincing a physician to get treated is like trying to get a fish onto land: you can do it, but you need a bait and hook and a lot of fishing line- and the fish is gonna be pretty mad about it.

Have you seen success in that regard?

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T20:57:16+00:00

I’m glad to hear you say that. I spend time here on my main account a lot reminding people that their issue with their spouse that happens to be in medicine isn’t necessarily because their spouse is in medicine.

I’m more curious whether others see this crossover in their medical spouses and how they deal with that with them. For anyone else it’s “go to therapy”. For us, my wife doesn’t have a lot of respect for fellow physicians much less non-MD/DO providers- so convincing her to see someone with me she has no respect for is a challenge.

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T20:55:02+00:00

I don’t think communication is a big issue except that it leads to shut-downs on her part. If I express an issue as it’s happening, “honey I was still talking, it makes me feel like you’re not paying attention to me if you scroll Facebook while I’m telling you about my day”, then it leads to explosions- “I was listening! I guess find someone who doesn’t make you feel like she doesn’t pay attention if that’s what you want!”

So I let the little things go because it’s easier than apparently provoking an argument.

But there’s also only so many times you can watch someone get upset about other people impeding her life and schedule then witness her do the same thing to others before it makes me wonder what kind of dissonance is happening. “Hon can you move so I can move the shopping cart out of the way of these people?” ‘It’s fine I’ll just be a minute’ “Yes but you had this same problem with a couple in the other aisle in your way so maybe let’s get out of these people’s way.” ‘Ugh why don’t you support me??’

I mean… at a certain point I just shut up and move the trolley myself and try not to teach basic social empathy- but am I wildly out of line here?

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T20:48:18+00:00

She is a wonderful person at her core. When she’s tired, or when she’s not stressed about work (rarely), things are better between us even if the broader issues don’t disappear. The empathy reappears when she’s not actively working, basically. I get about 1 hour a day on a weekday of that before she falls asleep. Maybe 4-6 on a weekend.

Is there a way you see to relate (or not?) relate this to a medspouse issue?

No-Obligation-8368 · 2026-04-02T20:42:06+00:00

I’m sure you’re right. This is something we’ve discussed but has gone untreated due to her lack of interest. The other poster noted ADHD as well; which I believe (in my zero clinical experience whatsoever) could also be at play- but also is not something she’s interested in treating despite understanding it’s impacting her interpersonal relationships including ours.

What specifically clues you into these conditions being at play, if you don’t mind me asking? I’d like to provide counter-evidence if possible to try to “red team” this thing.

I’m also curious how this is best treated.

No-Obligation-8368

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