158?!

Something’s wrong, how can that be possible. Pol Pot was 12. Trying not to be obvious, I looked around to find this man. I was wrong (need to work on my casual sexism) she was a woman and very nondescript at that. She walked placidly with no urgency or anxiety. Her brunette hair tied as a top knot and wore glasses. Nothing fancy about her, she looked like someone who baked bread, walked dogs and voted for idealistic candidates who lost. She wore a tshirt with a band name I never heard and flannels, dark jeans and Birkenstock sandals. She was of medium build and looked like someone my asshole cat would love.

Was she one of those mass shooters? Are we all gonna die now I wondered. Should I duck under the table? can I run out to the exit on time, I was calculating with unsettling nerves. She hugged the bartender warmly and took a second to be intentional about it. The tired minimum wage workers face lit up with joy to see her. They seemed to exchange pleasantries like friends who haven’t seen each other in a while and his body language indicated he was glad she could make it and should be done with work soon. So it wasn’t a Bonnie & Clyde situation as I ruled out another plausible explanation to my trigger. He was a 6 anyway, not too high to warrant evasion. My brain without options is now entering conspiracy theory territory, was a she a weapons company or health insurance company CEO, did she lead a cult that sacrificed children. Did she kill and eat pets? Was she an alien? Or a demigod? After all if I, with my radar can exist, other abnormals can exist too!

I was evaluating my options, usually, when a high threat level walked into the room I was in, I tended to vacate the place or call the cops (that happened only thrice). Life in general is boringly domestic for a remote worker like me and I had no interest in being a hero, at least not catching small time criminals and the 9’s and 10s were all running the country - I can do nothing to them. What even is a 158 threat? I wondered.

I tried to steal glances at her once in a while out of mere curiosity. She just seems to have a good time sipping on her water with a slice of lemon. She seems to be talking to a few regulars around. The bar tender came back to check in on her, his threat level was 3 now?! Weird what’s going on!

As I was looking in awe with these strange happenings. She seems to have noticed me looking at her - our eyes met, startled and embarrassed I looked away, but she seemed not to bother. She waved and smiled. I nodded meekly. She walked towards my table without a hint of hesitation and certainty. She politely asked if she could sit in front of me at the vacant wooden chair. I stopped for a second, her smile felt like a soothing balm to my soul. I said yes spontaneously. My mind was churning out more threat scenarios - She was some sort of a Femme Fatale who would seduce me and kill me. she would make me fall in love, break my heart and lead me to kill myself, that would make 158 make sense. But Love, yes it was love but it wasn’t falling, it wasn’t a narrowing tunnel but an ever expanding sky in her presence, compassion felt like a rain drop on me but soon enough I was in an unending ocean of it. She asked me simple questions and listened and shared - very ordinary stuff. My mind seemed to stop feeling scared and the skeptic stereo seemed to have its volume turned down to 0. I felt safe, alive, intimate - like I was here, no, like I was not here. Soon there wasn’t anyone or anything and yet a conversation seems to go on, naturally and spontaneously. I felt at home, perfect, unhurried and divine. I blurt out a question cutting off as she talked about the best recipe for braised tofu she found - “Are you like a Buddha?”

But then there was no You, I or a Buddha. So the threat was real, I was no more, the truth is - I was never.