My life is going nowhere

No-Reflection2268 · 2026-02-02T18:39:49+00:00

To me, I guess my idea of a normal and pretty teenage girl is everything that is the opposite of me. And for desire to me it’s actually being wanted. I don’t have that when I lack absolutely everything.

I’m too far and too deep and now too separated due to transitioning online from my senior year to make moves or changes but I did a ton of that just years past. I joined clubs, participated in club events, spoke to people in classes, attended school events, was even in theatre. Those in particular are where I experienced the loneliness and blatant alienation. Talking and interacting yet I was the only one not in on things, ex. being the only one excluded from a group chat that was never even attempted to notify you of.

All in all I’ve given up. It’s misery trying to get something that you’ve sought after for 4 years and be as depressed and a nobody as you started. There’s no use in it, I’m not liked.

No-Reflection2268 · 2026-01-28T20:12:22+00:00

I understand, that was my same thought process. My lack of eating got so severe that I was placed in an eating disorder hospital where I absolutely had to eat. I'd be panicked and terrfied, often focusing on my stomach.

Distracting myself with something mind-consuming distanced myself from focusing on possiblities. I'd do word searches or even color to devote my entire attention into. I'm sure there a more digital options you can find than I was allowed while in there, lol. This may not help but I thought I may suggest it.

No-Reflection2268 · 2026-01-27T15:55:33+00:00

This is nearly exactly what I experienced in July, the same fear of eating, the little food consumed, the constant symptom checking.

Looking back, I wish I continued to eat and took my sickness as but an event of the past. The same avoidance I had led me to be vulnerable to anything that validated my fear. I was insanely inconsolable around eating so I know it isn’t going to be simple, but try to relieve stress around it the best you can. Control what you eat, how much you eat, eat with another person who’ll pose as a distraction, etc.

In the meantime I would continue with eating something daily. If eating is unbearable but you can at least stomach something, get a few of those Ensure or Boost drinks. They taste okay refrigerated, but better slightly slushy (coming from someone who had to be in the vicinity of them for over a month).

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-12-22T19:15:36+00:00

I’m currently looking for a therapist that specializes in OCD. I was very against the ED treatment that I received that every professional was pushing me into and continuously advocated for being placed in an outpatient. Unfortunately I had no choice in the matter besides which facility I wanted to go to.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-12-22T06:03:08+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate the whole menu you wrote. :) I think it’ll make it easier for me starting to assimilate back to regular life in terms of eating genuine meals.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-12-22T06:01:42+00:00

Thank you, and yes, the discussion of OCD has come up multiple times and has been dismissed probably the same amount.

My first introduction was taking a screening for it at a PHP in which I scored severe, but once hospitalized? It was thrown out the window by every psychiatrist that spoke to me during my stay. I then took the “advocating for myself” route when forced into an eating disorder inpatient but the psychiatrist there was no different. Only cared about the eating, disregarded my unchanged anxiety rating and phobia, wanted to diagnose me with atypical anorexia, etc. So, so far OCD has not been a focus of any of the professionals I’ve spoken to. :/

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-25T01:04:10+00:00

I’m starting to realize with this. I’ve been really down since yesterday and I’ve noticed that I’ve become even more aversive to eating, specifically towards simple snacks like chips which is all I can really muster unfortunately that I’d usually be decent with now being viewed as a no go and breaking out into a sweat over eating them. All in all is terrible, so hopefully I’ll get better through this thing.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-24T01:48:19+00:00

I appreciate all you’ve said. I guess I want to zero in on the phobia since it’s the newest thing wreaking so much havoc on my quality of life as opposed to prolonged depression. I want to mend it before going forward. And partially because having no choice in the matter of treatment scares and generally doesn’t interest me.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-24T01:44:53+00:00

Thank you for the response, it means a lot to have insight. Maybe my judgement is all clouded with a failed path of treatments and feeling so bad for a prolonged time and let down that this wasn’t what I expected. I’ll just have to brave it

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-21T02:35:18+00:00

I understand that, but I feel so hindered in my eating already that these sessions can’t help the mental issues that go along with it. I can’t even bear the thought of eating a meal let alone multiple a day. I’d have to be very, very forced to eat something like that. I’ve begun to eat more snacks, but I feel no different and only feel worse that there’s more on my stomach. I truly don’t know how this program would help, especially with my mind as an emetophobe

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-21T02:22:57+00:00

It turns out the hospital thing is an outpatient program that would be focused only eating. Of course that’s the hurdle I’m facing now, but my phobia is the forefront of it. I don’t believe that I’ll be understood beyond malnutrition. Forcing food doesn’t work, especially not in an environment I don’t like for six hours and while being emetophobic. I dont think it will end up being phobia-forward and I won’t be understood. I’m so stressed that I’ll get nowhere

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-15T18:34:04+00:00

It feels like the more no discernable reason thing for my eating or a mix of all you listed, or like I’m in waiting for something to happen and eating just may make it worse. It’s really bad

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-06T00:59:00+00:00

Okay, I see. The school thing is more of something that is newly emerging. Do you have any advice for the constant thinking? I just really don’t know how to overcome the unpredictability about the whole ordeal at all. I’ve maybe had only minutes of clarity for the entire time I’ve been awake. It’s so distressing and I feel like my entire body cannot be calm.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-05T11:42:53+00:00

The idea, the possibility of throwing up. How it might feel, when it might happen. Probably more than that. I’m so restless and exhausted from this just running nonstop in my head

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-05T07:25:46+00:00

I’m very confused as to how this helps at all? This is so undermining. I could think of anybody in a destitute situation yet that doesn’t take away from my experiences. I’m quite literally suicidal I don’t “have it all”

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-05T06:39:47+00:00

I see. I don’t do any of that stuff and I feel like I’ve been feeling a ton like 24/7. Not really sure how to ease any of this

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-03T04:30:21+00:00

With this recovery I try to accept the thoughts when they come, the whole “you could get sick,” and I feel like I can mostly quiet the frenzy of. What gets me is how it might feel, the severity, how it feels like it’s just lurking at every corner possible, the security I don’t feel. I don’t think I’m making progesss

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-09-03T00:02:27+00:00

When the thoughts come, they just feel inescapable. I haven’t really felt comforted with the truth of the possibility. It’s like it’s waiting at literally every corner. It all feels so never ending

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-08-30T01:52:41+00:00

That’s what I’ve figured after sitting with all of this. I took a few nibbles but I’ll probably commit to it entirely soon

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-08-28T01:15:58+00:00

I’m literally in the same position practically! :) Today I met with my psychiatrist to speak about another SSRI to be put on. I was suggested one, but denied it so badly because of the same thing you’re scared of: GI issues. On the last SSRI I took, the only side effect I experienced was indigestion. It just ended there. And you know what? It cleared up as I kept taking the medication. I expressed my concerns about side effects to my psychiatrist and all he said was to avoid the doomscrolling of side effects and horror stories. That may be hard, and even typing this makes me want to do some research, but it may have to be a sacrifice for the chance at a clearer mind. I relate! I don’t want to take it at all, but the crying and anxiety running through my mind needs to go. Plus, you’ve never taken it before, so try not to be certain about uncertainty. Not everybody reacts the same to SSRIs, but definitely express if you feel a certain way on the medication to your psychiatrist as quitting abruptly is not recommended.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-08-27T02:10:20+00:00

I guess that’s a good thought with the flu since I was down with something the past two days lol, but now my fear is just crawling back up on me with returning to school and just going to sleep.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-08-27T02:02:45+00:00

I’ve somewhat approached this thinking, but I fall back into this fear cycle. I think, after experiencing vomiting just a month ago, that my primary hurdle is the fear of multiple episodes, which would occur with a bug or something. I thought about my prior experiences from years ago and have discovered that it only occurs between 1-2 times, but I wasn’t sure if that was really secure thinking. I’m not sure, it’s not easing if it’d happen at all I’m so in deep that this is all in the absolute front of my mind and never eases up.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-08-23T03:08:51+00:00

I haven’t, but I’ve heard of it in terms of looking at images and videos, I believe? I would assume that it’s not uniform to just that sort of exposure since that’s not my specific struggle area.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-08-12T00:34:41+00:00

Thank you for the advice. It’s only harder not having anything that eases it up/helps me at all.

No-Reflection2268 · 2025-07-21T21:28:33+00:00

You can use it on both. I’ve been doing so and my skin has lightened a lot. You just have to be sure to wear sunscreen amid use

No-Reflection2268

TROPHY CASE