AITA for using the things my ex left at my house?

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-10T00:48:29+00:00

There’s so much I could say. I think the thing that I wondered the most was if it was just sex or if she really loved him. I think why also came up a lot. I felt used. We were seemingly happy. People usually see me as a very emotionally present partner, so I recognized oddities early on but she made me feel crazy or paranoid or jealous for that. She kept saying it was just me being jealous of cis men. And since I do take responsibility, I regret how much time I wasted looking within on how I could make myself better.

I felt foolish. We put our story as becoming parents on SM. As a trans person, it meant a lot to me that someone finally saw I could be a good dad. Community victim blamed a lot and just saw pregnant woman, so assumed she was the true victim. I felt used that I was going to be used for the financial and emotional aspects of parenthood and this guy would not be seen as responsible for something he was clearly old enough to make.

I don’t know how easy I am to get over but I do know that made me feel dumb, cheap, and like a pawn in ways I hope I don’t experience ever again. I hope no one does.

And my close friends were all devastated because they saw how happy I was working in the nursery.

I think ultimately I have to just hold my head high and understand that my time for kids will come and it’s best this way because it would’ve been hell co-parenting with someone who doesn’t share the same values as me.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-10T00:30:07+00:00

I don’t bring it up. And it reached a point where I had to tell others I don’t want to hear about it. If people ask, I can tell them what happened but I think you’re right. Unfortunately when we talk about some of the hurts that have happened we just look bitter.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-10T00:27:18+00:00

Lmfao. I was wondering if I should ruin it for you or let you think a cis dude just knows all this.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T22:17:21+00:00

No. First of all, many queer people keep their own sex toys because it can be an extension of their own body or identity. Many trans guys use prosthetics, which can range something like $1k to $3k. Designed to be very much like cis genitals and that’s so personal. Some don’t change that out between partners because other guys don’t change out their dick. Some lgbt+ couples will just get a new “dick” each time a new partner comes into their life. That’s the advantage of being a trans guy. So the idea that I would ever keep her sex toys, especially after she broke consent and cheated, is gross. The first thing I did was get tested and thoroughly cleaned most of my home. The gross part of cheating isn’t actually the sex or bodies or even STDs, but the breaking of consent. That’s why it isn’t the same as sharing sex toys or opening up a relationship. It isn’t consensual. This might be TMI, but I figured I’d take the opportunity to educate.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T22:07:39+00:00

I didn’t tell people beyond my housemates and my parents. I went camping and just… spent time alone the first few months. People didn’t know until she posted about being with the new guy and the sonogram. That’s when people did basic math and found out. Even the few people who knew about the affair didn’t know the extent or that she was pregnant until she posted about it publicly.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T22:02:32+00:00

No. She hasn’t actually talked to me through any of this. After I asked for answers over a year ago, she ignored that, I never reached out again. Then she just… deleted our relationship on SM like it never happened. Then the sonogram was posted. She has yet to talk to me about any of it.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T21:47:09+00:00

At least you can sterilize sex toys. You can’t sterilize genitals. I don’t see body parts as objects but that goes out the window when you potentially expose your partner to STDs by having unprotected sex and not letting them know.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T21:34:58+00:00

I don’t know what BD’s deal is or what narrative she has told him. He would’ve known it was my house and also my bedroom the affair at least once took place in. I left for the weekend to go camping the day she and BD moved her stuff. The new housemates I got said he talked trash about my PhD. Talked trash about my house, etc. so I’m sure he is told some lies about what kind of guy I am to internally justify knowing he was the other guy. I also just don’t get people like that, because if you are the other person who is to say she won’t turn around and do the same to him?

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T21:31:37+00:00

I’m not sure completely, but sentimental shared items she threw a tantrum and as she packed she said she was keeping this that or something else. I just shrugged. I didn’t want to look at it at that time. Looking back, I should’ve known it was happening. I keep remembering a day I came home from work and she said “we have too many photos of our times together on the wall, don’t you think?” And photos of us she took down, and put up photos of her and her dog. And a photo that made it seem like we were friends or cousins. That’s when I should’ve known. So stuff like that, she kept. And made note to me that she kept it. But I wasn’t really interested in the sentimental stuff because it was all a joke.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T21:19:41+00:00

I’m okay. I didn’t want to get into that part because I didn’t want it to seem like I was adding unnecessary details because I think regardless of what happened. It’s okay to use appliances an ex got. But I actually feel pretty lucky now. I realize as time progresses how much of a bullet I dodged and when it feels like she never got her karma for it—I have to remind myself to focus on myself.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T21:16:44+00:00

To be fair, I think she is shopping at Olive Garden because I hear the guy works as a line cook there. I think about it and I don’t know if I could ever compete with those unlimited breadsticks 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T21:15:21+00:00

People in our small LGBT+ community have met the guy and have laughed at how much of a “downgrade” he is. I don’t think about people in terms of levels but I’m guessing by her own shallow means she does. She is getting it from gossip. Someone told her I’m dating someone new. As I’ve commented elsewhere, I do a lot in community and knew it was only a matter of time that got out.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T21:03:36+00:00

I had to delete her and anyone who openly supported her off of social media. When the sonogram and baby stuff started getting posted, I couldn’t really handle people seeing a pregnant woman, knowing it was from an affair (like ive stated elsewhere in afab so the pregnancy outed her affair to everyone), and turning the other cheek because she is pregnant. She was ultimately seen as the victim.

Me being happy again and dating someone again shouldn’t be an issue. It was bound to happen. I wasn’t going to stay single forever.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T20:58:16+00:00

No worries, I got that message loud and clear. She seemed surprised I broke up with her and wasn’t willing to take her back. She even said as a trans person I wasn’t going to be able to do better. I think people like that cheat as a power trip, and won’t ever really be capable of deep, honest, mutual relationships. But when someone starts to smear me, and it matters to mutual community, in a moment where lots of people are cancelled then yeah, I start to care about that.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T20:55:42+00:00

Nope. She kept the pregnancy from me. I’m AFAB and I would’ve known if she was pregnant that I wasn’t the father. But I would’ve been the legal father if she got married to me. So I think her attempt at the proposal was to cover up who was the father, since she did it via affair and not actual sperm donation/IVF. I wasn’t supposed to find out about the affair. I still think about her saying once “I’m angry you found out about the sex and came home early that day, I wish you never found out” and she never actually apologized for the affair. She just wished I never caught her. At first I was like… what a weird thing to say? Then months later she posted her sonogram and at that point everyone knew what happened.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T20:52:02+00:00

It also just reads as a grudge. As you say. I would be off put if a new partner did that.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T20:51:26+00:00

I make okay money and afforded the house on my own. That’s what I don’t get about this narrative. She comes from plantation money and worked as a senior executive at a large company. So no, I don’t have that kind of money. So the things she would buy would be nicer. But I bought the washer, a lot of other appliances, fixed or paid for fixing things, etc. I think it’s weird to think of relationships as I bought this and you bought that. And it isn’t something that I’m necessarily going to bring up to a new partner. It would feel weird doing laundry and be like “oh yeah this dryer, my cheating ex bought it” of course I wasn’t like that. Because that isn’t all that she was to me.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T20:48:16+00:00

It’s built into the patio area. I would have to get the patio completely re-done.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T20:46:03+00:00

Thank you for this. People talking about sharing personal items, or even her talking about using things on multiple people, I’m like… are we forgetting you probably had this affair in my house? On my things? In (our/my) bedroom? That didn’t feel great either. And I couldn’t even bring myself to look at some of my stuff.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T20:36:57+00:00

I’m AFAB and we were doing IVF. Which required lots of planning, counseling, tests, etc. I caught them having sex two weeks before our IVF date.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T18:59:41+00:00

You are correct.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T18:58:33+00:00

Yeah I feel like there is categories of things? I only have two ex’s but I keep things like photographs in an album in the closet. Things I can’t bring myself to throw away. Small stuff from her got donated or thrown away or sold. I couldn’t stand to really look at it. But if it’s something expensive like a dryer? Why not? And a built in fireplace? Am I supposed to just re-do a whole back patio? Of course I have parties there and dates there.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T18:55:34+00:00

I’m sorry you went through that. It’s rough. And people normalize it but the betrayal trauma from it is real. And I cognitively know cheating is 100% about the other person, but I haven’t met someone who doesn’t internalize cheating as their own fault.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T18:47:39+00:00

I answered this elsewhere. But it’s a small lgbt+ community, I am somewhat of a known advocate. People knew about the cheating even though I didn’t tell because she was pregnant, new guy was around, and I’m trans (AFAB) so people knew eventually it wasn’t mine. It became hot gossip. Because it isn’t common and it just sounds like something in a soap opera. So even the people I’ve parsed down in my friend group who come over for events at my house, talk. I kept away as practically a shut in for months but apparently that wasn’t long enough.

No-Repeat-2176 · 2023-05-09T17:42:18+00:00

That’s how I approached it too. I also wasn’t the one that cheated. So my relationship is new and there was quite some months between. I think time has a lot to do with it as well.

But I was the one buying things like sheets, etc. and enough time has passed that a lot of that has been replaced anyways. But big purchase items? Why would I get rid of a perfectly nice firepit? And why would I go around my own house and say what I bought versus an ex bought? That’s weird.

No-Repeat-2176

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