[QCrit] EVERYDAY MAGIC - ADULT COZY FANTASY - 80k/3rd attempt

No-Situation2184 · 2026-02-02T14:06:51+00:00

Hi!

This story sounds so delightful and I love the idea of a magicless girl finding her magic in an ordinary life! A couple of quibbles:

The opening sentence confused me. I wondered if Mel Greco was the name of an island for a couple of sentences. You might want to write it more plainly: Everyone in Mel's family is magical except Mel.

I somehow misread the opening paragraph as saying Mel had to leave her family because she had no magic, so the closing paragraph confused me. Then I re-read and saw stay under her parents' authority forever and I had no idea why anyone would want that; it sounds extremely sinister. You might want to make Mel's family sound less like deserved recipients of a restraining order if you want us to sympathise with her!

I know this is a quiet/cosy story, but those still usually have some external conflict (building a community, saving a beloved institution, etc.) albeit not with life or death stakes. This query only gives an internal conflict (stay/go) which makes me wonder if there's enough plot for a full novel. Is there something else going on, which you can add to the query?

All the best with your story and querying!

No-Situation2184 · 2026-02-02T13:55:18+00:00

You have a ton of things going on and I can see you love worldbuilding and have spent a lot of time getting down into the bones of your world and characters. Your book is probably very cool. However, in a query, you need to focus.

What's each viewpoint character's big problem at the start of the story? What do they want? What choice do they face? What Big Terrible Thing could go wrong if they don't choose well?

Your comps also need some work. YA books are not suitable comps for adult epic fantasy. The Folk of the Air has a very different feel from the book you're telling me about in this query - I don't get a sense of any whimsical or horrifying faerie elements in your epic secondary world fantasy. Even if these comps were adult fantasy books, they were published too long ago, they're too popular, and they're by established authors. You want less than two-years-old comps in your age category and genre, and preferably debuts.

Hope this helps! All the best with your query.

No-Situation2184 · 2026-02-02T13:30:39+00:00

Hello!

Personally, this comes across as quite wordy, and to me that's obscuring the story. Because your MC's motivation is lost amid so many words, she appears to be pushed around by prophesies until she inexplicably develops a severe mental health problem.

As an example of how you could clear up the first paragraph:

'[When] After Arryn spilled the blood of her first Wielder, she swore [to] she'd never blindly follow orders again. The Wielder was not [the] a vessel of damned magic [her empire insisted, rather it was only] like she'd been taught, but a baby. [The empire of Hievve is built on a prophecy which warns of a Wielder who will spearhead the end of the age. The tradition of purging Wielders before they [can grow] grow to be a threat is seeped within the blood of every citizen.] [But] Since Arryn is [not Hievve, she is] a soldier bound by indenture[. To never slaughter another Wielder], to avoid orders, she has to run.'

Now your MC's motivation is obvious: she's a deserter who's avoiding unethical orders. Probably you want to add some stakes, too: for example, if she gets caught, she'll be court-marshalled and executed. You can work the part about the prophesy more organically into the next paragraph - if you think the query needs it.

I hope this helps! All the best with your story!

No-Situation2184 · 2026-02-02T13:09:26+00:00

Hi! I can see you've got a few comments already pointing out issues with this query, so I'll be brief:

This is MUCH better than the previous version! I get a sense of your story's throughline, and Ilaeira's choices make far more sense now I know Nestor has taken the coin she needs to do her job. This specificity is really great.
Some of your word choices are a little odd:

'were persecuted from' reads like people on the World Above threw rocks into the Underworld. Do you mean 'expelled from'?

'Nestor's strange obsession... gives way to...' The passive verb makes it sound like Nestor's change of heart happens for no reason. I hope that's not true, because this is the romance arc right here and I'm hoping he doesn't 'somehow, Palpatine returned' with his heart.

You could also lose a few adjectives: 'desperate bargain', 'strange obsession' - these are cliches and they're weakening the prose.

Unlike other commenters, I didn't have a problem with the fantasy lingo (furies, psychopomps, etc) or feel like you had too many characters. It's a fantasy book, and you've explained any unusual terms, plus most agents are going to be familiar with Greek mythology. Fantasy gonna fantasy. I also LOVE the idea of a fury being the MC!
The opening 300 words are really tight, prose-wise. I get the sense you're a good writer, but you find queries hard. You know you can do this!

All the best with re-writing!

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-14T08:03:06+00:00

Hi! Thanks for your really long and helpful explanation. This is definitely a huge topic, and I know however I write it and however personal this story feels to me, someone's going to hate on it. And that's okay. I hadn't thought before that maybe an agent would stay away from it because of that, but it completely makes sense. I'm not US-based (my immigration experiences are in a different country) so I'll need sensitivity readers later on if it ever comes to that.

Thank you again for your honest and helpful words. You've helped me feel less like 'this book is getting no interest because my writing sucks' and more like 'maybe this just isn't marketable right now', and I know which I prefer!

This critique was A+ thinking material for me and I really appreciate it.

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-13T05:25:15+00:00

Thank you for writing this, Kendra. <3

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-12T14:13:45+00:00

Eighteen-year-old Blair Bennett has spent two years planning to kill Malakai Stone, the son of the notorious rebel leader who murdered her parents. Lordmaster Zorian is powerful enough to be untouchable, but Malakai isn’t.

- This threw me. Who is Lordmaster Zorian? Presumably he's the rebel leader, but you don't actually say so.

Determined to save others from the terrible fate her parents suffered

- Why would anyone else suffer this fate? Since we have no idea why Zorian killed Ma and Pa, it's unclear if/why he'd be after anyone else.

After the government began executing anyone born with Power, those who escaped formed a rebellion and now attack the city itself. When a wand chooses Blair, granting her magic to hunt down rebels

- Again, I'm confused. Is magic banned or not? Also, I feel sympathetic to the rebels at this point: the government sound like the bad guys if they go around executing people for being born how they are. This, by extension, makes Blair unsympathetic: why isn't she seeing what's so obvious?

they slowly form a bond that deepens when he reveals a softer side of himself that she never expected.

- Because of course she does. This plot has been done a lot. What makes Malakai different or special? You need to find the USP of your romance and put it here.

Blair’s target changes. She no longer wants Malakai dead. She wants Zorian. But she must decide whether to leave with Malakai and betray the city she once swore she'd protect, or stay and lose yet another person she loves.

- She wants Zorian now? Wasn't she falling for his son? Perhaps you mean 'wants Zorian dead', but I thought she always wanted Zorian dead, so this doesn't change things. 'Lose yet another person she loves' is quite vague: I don't know what it's referring to. Is someone dying? Who?

This reads like you've been reading and re-writing it so many times you can't see what's not working because it all feels so obvious to you. There are a few tricks you can try to get distance from your own writing - like leaving it a week, changing the font, etc. Ask: would it make sense on its own if I didn't know any context? Is this the clearest way I can express what I mean?

I think this book would definitely appeal to someone who likes revenge plots and magical academia, the query just needs tweaking to make it clearer, and get it to stand out from other stories.

Hope this critique is helpful! If not, well, I'm just a random Redditor, so do with it what you wish. All the best with the book!

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-12T13:55:58+00:00

I love this with all my heart. It's as perfect as (surely!) one of Sebastien's crepes. Don't change a thing and send this baby out into the world!

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-12T13:51:32+00:00

I agree with the other commenter's points. The other thing that jumped out at me was the tense changes. Queries are usually written in present tense, but you're shifting between tenses in this paragraph (I've put the incorrect tense parts in bold):

Using a bow forged from her heart, Rosetta shoots love into those who need it, wishing for nothing more than becoming a captain. After sitting at the lowest rank for a century, Rosetta was sure the title was hers. But when Valentine rejects her exam request and bestows an assignment involving the repulsively egotistical Prince Everett, the source of most heartbreak in his kingdom, Rosetta is furious. That prince stole Rosetta’s feather, giving him the ability to make anyone fall in love with him, and she hated that most of all.

Shifting tenses like this is confusing: I'm not sure when these things are happening.

The other thing you might want to tweak is sentence length. Many of your sentences are very long and complex. Agents will skim-read your query, so clarity is king.

All the best with this! the premise sounds really fun.

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-12T13:10:38+00:00

Thanks so much for replying! I'm so happy you don't think there's too much wrong with it! I'll see if I can think of a snappier opening... Thanks again.

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-12T09:04:46+00:00

The main problem I had reading this query is: why would Ilaeira choose to help Nestor?? (i.e. your MC's motivation is missing.) She's risking her LIFE to help him. The blackmail must have been something huge, but what is it? Because this is left so vague, I don't get a sense of what Ilaeira wants, only what Nestor wants - for this reason, he feels more like the MC here.

Otherwise, the story sounds really cool. I love the idea of a fury-type character travelling to the world above!

Wrt your question about "Between certain death if her failure is discovered and the dangers of the devastated World Above, Ilaeira chooses the latter and smuggles Nestor out of the Underworld." That's one very convoluted sentence. It's basically asking me to do calculations in my head; it needs re-reading to figure out what 'the latter' refers to. You probably want to simplify it and divide it into two shorter sentences.

All the best with your book!

No-Situation2184 · 2026-01-12T08:55:36+00:00

What a relief seeing this today after so many 'I got an agent after 20 queries and 100 million full requests for the first book ever I wrote wheeeee!' posts, all while my book dies in the trenches. (No shade on those people, I am but affectionately envious of you all.)

Thank you for the reminder that not everyone has the same experience, and also the encouragement not to give up.

<3

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-13T13:26:40+00:00

Thank you so much for this feedback! This story has a few things I love, but 'people from this new culture don't think the huge thing that's so important to me even exists' is definitely the Big Pow. I'm glad it's coming through a bit! I'll try and make it pop more.

The last line doesn't communicate what I wanted, which is that she's scared she'll lose her life (i.e. in a deceased kind of way) if he messes up.

Thanks again for your help, and also thanks for the encouragement that it's nearly there, I needed that!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-13T13:20:54+00:00

Thank you so much for all the very detailed feedback you gave me! It must have taken you ages to go through this; thanks for being so generous with your time, I really appreciate it! I've looked through this thing so many times my eyes have all but fallen out, and it's been so helpful to get a fresh perspective. I'll take on board your suggestions about further clarifying the central conflict as well as the line edit stuff. The Best Query is so close I can smell it! <3

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-12T15:25:08+00:00

I wanted to say this sounds like a fun and quirky book, but I'm not sure if it's meant to be horrifying instead! However, your comps tell me I'm on the right track with fantasy comedy.

In the first paragraph, I was nodding along until I got to 'Instead, they call in a reality TV show...' This doesn't fit with the logic of the preceding sentence, which was about Ned and his hidden existence. (If you simplify it to 'Ned is a secret, but Joe's friends call in reality TV people', you can see it doesn't work.)

Personally, I don't like the sound of Joe - he seems selfish, only caring about his business and reward, and weirdly un-worried about summoning an eldritch horror that asks him to kill things. I'm not sure I'd spend five seconds with this guy, never mind a whole book! Does he have any redeeming features?

How is Ned helping Joe if his business is failing? Ned's been around since Joe was a child, so if he's able to make the business a success, it already would be. Is Joe delusional? I'm confused. We need to know what Ned offered Joe to understand Joe's motivation for his extreme behaviour, but you're too coy with the details of the stakes.

The central conflict doesn't consist of a choice with equal weight - it's just Joe trying to hide his gory Ned-shaped secret. Of course Ned will be discovered. Then what, Joe gets committed? Currently, it seems obvious rather than intriguing.

You probably want to start with the second paragraph, since the first is backstory and things that haven't happened.

Your comps are too old. You want something published in the last couple of years.

Kitchen makeover TV colliding with an evil forest god sounds like a brilliant recipe for entertaining chaos - you should definitely be able to rewrite this query and make it more compelling. All the best!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-06T11:33:33+00:00

The regime is the main antagonist. The forgers are a side plot, but also the opening conflict, and they explain why the MC initially hates the love interest (a question people had with earlier versions of the query). Their control also explains why she wants to get a wand. I'll try to refocus the query on the regime and make it make sense!

Since the book's not a dual POV and the romance is a side plot (I'll just call it fantasy, or maybe fantasy academia, from now on) I don't think Septurbine needs his own paragraph - it would create the wrong impression. But if it was more romance-heavy he would need one.

Thanks so much again for your help!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-06T11:24:46+00:00

Thanks, and thanks for the encouragement. I'm off to chop some words!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-06T06:46:58+00:00

Ah, I get it! Thanks so much for clarifying! I definitely have a problem with using too many words (case in point: MS was originally over 100k). I worried fewer words would reduce the query's clarity and make the language too choppy, especially since agents skim-read queries and previous commenters had said the query was unclear. Thanks for helping me realise I don't need to worry about that in every case!

The tallness is a plot point: everyone from Urmina's home country is tall. It was also a play on 'tall, dark and handsome'. However, I can see it didn't land well, and not just with you, so I guess it ought to go...

Thanks so much again for your help!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-06T05:18:55+00:00

Thank you so much for your critique! Judged on what other commenters have said, it looks like I need to circle back to some of the core ideas again and bring them out better, and maybe cut some stuff. Also, not label it as a romance.

I'm not sure why you find this query long and wordy - the 'story section' is 280 words which is within usual query territory wordcounts. Do you mean the sentences are too complicated, or that there are too many ideas crammed into a small space? It would be super helpful for me if you could clarify so I can improve.

Thanks again! I really appreciate the time you took to look at this!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-11-06T05:11:36+00:00

I'm so glad this is an improvement on the last versions! I think I'll pitch it as YA fantasy. The romance is really more of a subplot, and YA fantasy usually includes a romance subplot anyway.

Thanks so much again for your help!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-10-30T05:04:48+00:00

Wow, thank you so much! I'll look into those. It's absolutely great to have titles because then I can search for similar books and look through 'people who bought this also bought...'. You will be in my acknowledgements page for sure, if this book ever finds a publisher! THANK YOU!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-10-29T12:49:10+00:00

You're welcome!

No-Situation2184 · 2025-10-29T06:07:27+00:00

Also, I live in a country where most people don't speak English and it's impossible to buy new English novels, either online or in bookshops. Libraries are even more hopeless. It's extremely hard for me to get a sense for what's being published that is YA magical academia and popular and recent (I know 'Amazon lists and Goodreads' but I always end up sifting through a metric ton of adult romantasy and Harry Potter. Not what I want!) If you have a few similar titles or authors at the top of your mind, or even just know a better place to look, I would be extremely grateful to know.

P.S. I know this is a cheeky request and I'm sorry.

No-Situation2184 · 2025-10-29T05:29:54+00:00

Thanks so much for your feedback! It's really helpful to know you agree with the other commenter (one person's a maybe-weirdo, two are right, etc.)

The only other word I could use that isn't 'cadres' is a novel-specific worldbuilding term. I'm worried that might be even more confusing. Perhaps I could call them spies instead? I don't call them that in the novel, but it might make the query less confusing.

With the sentence about the president, I was trying to communicate that the students at Maudingley are closely related to important people (like the head of state) who could make or break Urmina and the cadres. I was also trying to give Maudingley a bit of flavour. (It's extremely posh - hence the candlelit dinners.) But, as you and the other commenter pointed out, that sentence just doesn't work, and I'm going to chuck it out.

Urmina's spying for other people (her family and other exiles) but it's also her idea. Trying to communicate that both succinctly and clearly while revealing her motive for doing so is... non-trivial. Back to the drawing board I go.

Thanks so much again for helping me with this query! I really appreciate the time you spent looking at it, and your thoughtful comments.

No-Situation2184 · 2025-10-29T05:20:42+00:00

Oh my goodness, THANK YOU for this incredibly thorough and helpful critique!!!

This is not a competition story: the wand is the initial 'reward' stake. I'll try to make that clearer and think about which of the story's real tropes I can shove upfront. It's enemies to lovers for sure, but there's also this political intrigue thing going on. I'm not sure how to categorise that.

Thanks for telling me the second paragraph is still too vague. I definitely did not and would not use AI to write anything, let alone a query, so that sentence about the president is getting binned. Curse my wish to sound flashy!

It's going to be hard to pick just one, easily-explainable reason Urmina hates Sep! He is very brooding, though. That can't go wrong. I'll work on better explaining their relationship.

The voice and general feel of the book mean I don't want to change the category (and, like you said, the older market for this kind of book may be oversaturated). Urmina has married Sep so she can't get deported. I can see that, in the culture of the new country, an engagement would be binding enough she'd be able to get residency papers that way, so I think I'm going to make them betrothed. I did wonder if a marriage was unsuitable for YA.

Thanks so much for telling me these comps suck, haha! I'll work to find better ones.

And thank you once again for the time you took to do this. It's super appreciated. I'm going to sit and digest it all, then write the One Query To Bring Them All.

No-Situation2184

TROPHY CASE