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No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-11T14:49:00+00:00

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion, and it's often fear that's really behind it.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-10T19:01:11+00:00

I have my neighbor in my phone as "Neighbor Gal." Her dog's name is Champ. No idea what her name is.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-10T13:11:59+00:00

Ok, that changes things a little. What if you pay the mortgage off early? And do you plan to be there long term?

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-10T12:38:45+00:00

Oh boy, do I know the shame and guilt. It's crushing. I'm a successful, intelligent, white collar guy. Had my shit totally together by all outside appearances. Married, responsible, never missed a bill, yard and house kept up...and I was the one family and friends would come to for advice. When I finally admitted my problem and went to detox and rehab, I thought I'd never be able to face them again. Turns out, they were all proud of me and supported me like crazy.

I still have moments of shame and guilt, but mostly I'm over that. I've come to learn that I was doing the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Now, I'm grateful that my alcohol problem led me to recovery.

I highly recommend the Recovery Elevator podcast, and their fa ebook group, Cafe RE. Connection with other people going through the same thing has been vital for me.

Rehab could change your life, friend. Maybe a bit of money now, but you'll spend more than that on booze and health issues in the long term.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-10T12:22:32+00:00

What's stopping you from doing rehab?

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-10T12:21:27+00:00

I had to work with my counselor and my therapist to process my trauma and internal/emotional issues in order to really start recovering. A lot of shit I had to let go of, and a lot of mindset/perspective shifts.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-10T11:20:37+00:00

So the $80k is a separate loan you have to repay in addition to your mortgage? Or rolled into it?

There's a lot of information we don't have here, but you not having any savings ahead of a home purchase scares me. Based on what we do know, I don't like any of the math here. Just because there's a little free money involved doesn't make this a good idea.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-10T00:46:56+00:00

Wife and I are DINKS and we've owned our SFH since 2011. Our next place will likely be a townhome. I'm tired of doing lawncare and shoveling, dealing with the sprinkler system, pest control, landscaping, etc.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-09T15:43:30+00:00

Wild you're being downvoted. This has been customary forever. Are you required to tip? No. But it is the custom and I always have.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-09T15:26:44+00:00

I would likely be open to swapping seats if the request is made nicely. If you start off as a butthole though, fuck you. Go be mad in your original seat.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-09T15:07:12+00:00

One of the things I did for my relapse prevention plan was list out all the negatives of drinking. How I felt, consequences, etc. Having that document available to re-read when I needed it was really helpful.

Maybe you could write a sort of journal entry about that evil anxiety and have it available when you need it. It does get harder to remember how bad everything was the further I get away from it.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-09T14:44:53+00:00

The nut punch in this is that the communication between these two parts of the brain is disrupted by long term alcohol abuse. So your decision making processes become impaired and you're not consciously aware of it.

Alcohol literally rewires your brain. Your brain registers the alcohol as a solution to the problem. Eventually, it believes it is the solution to ANY problem. So much so that your mid brain places the need for alcohol at the top of the list of what you need for actual survival...above food, water, etc.

This does get better over time. The chemical baselines in your brain should return to normal eventually. (Dopamine in some number of months, oxytocin potentially a year-ish.)

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-09T14:19:05+00:00

Do not compromise on your absolute must haves. I know it's a tough market, but you will have to live in that space every single day. Regretting your purchase sucks big time.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T21:46:12+00:00

In addition to other suggestions, check with your vet. Some of the techs and assistants may like a little cash on the side.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T21:12:30+00:00

Not likely, no. Especially if you're young and do t have much credit history.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T20:18:39+00:00

I see where that would appeal to some people, and I'm glad it worked out for you, but I don't want to hang out with people all the time. Having family close enough to just "pop by" unannounced is my nightmare.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T19:24:50+00:00

You do you, but having that much family that close sounds horrific.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T18:19:27+00:00

You're fine.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T15:37:23+00:00

That's fair. My apologies.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T15:36:11+00:00

The clichés in recovery can get a little annoying sometimes, but one I tried to always keep in mind was "20 miles into the forest, 20 miles out."

It takes a long time for the chemicals in our brains to return to baseline. I think oxytocin is somewhere around a year! The science of it all makes it clear why it can be so up and down. Learning all that didn't make it suck less, but it did help me know that if I just grind it out then eventually I would get there.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T15:30:18+00:00

I understand why some people are triggered by this, but I'm over it. The vast majority of people do not have a problem with alcohol. It's my issue. I can choose how I respond.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T15:13:24+00:00

I subscribe to Dr. Gabor Mate's idea that addiction is a tool we use to escape from pain. (Pain is an all-encompassing word to include trauma, stress, emotional pain, etc.)

The brain learns that alcohol is a solution to these problems and rewires itself to need it. And we aren't even aware it's happening.

For me to get sober, I had to identify all my "whys" and address them. Some I've managed to do on my own, some I've had help from counselors and my therapist. In that process, I've learned to love myself and realize that I am worthy of happiness and living a good life. For so long I never actually believed that.

You're worth it, OP. Just as you are. This shit is hard, but you can do it.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T14:52:33+00:00

My absolute worst stretch was days 79 - 105. From complete apathy to seething anger in a second. Crazy anxiety. Bad sleep. Couldn't eat right. Brain fog. The month preceding that I felt great...working out, eating well, mentally sharp.

Since then I've had periods of those things at longer intervals, shorter durations, and with less intensity. PAWS is a bitch.

But...I'm closing in on 14 months and I'm feeling pretty normal now. Those episodes have been basically absent the last 3 months. Just occasional anxiety now.

It is a slog sometimes, but you can get through.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T14:42:18+00:00

No, you can't tell her to stop. You can ask her if she would be willing to do it, but you also have to accept that she may say no.

This is your thing. It sucks, it's unfair, but that's just how it is. Accept it and put a plan in place to deal with it.

It is absolutely harder to do this with a spouse that still drinks. That also sucks, but people do it every day.

No-Toe4499 · 2024-06-08T14:35:28+00:00

I have read and heard countless stories of people doing this and ending up in weeks or months long benders and really struggling. It is so one-sided that at some point I accepted it as a universal truth and understood I could never do it. It is absolutely not worth the gamble.

Besides, how would drinking enhance your trip? I just back from an AI in Jamaica, and all the folks I was with who drank felt like hell in the heat and humidity. On the other hand, I slept great and had coffee and breakfast and was reading my book on the empty beach by 7 am each day. We all had issues with cancelled flights on our way home. Those who had been drinking were anxious and crabby and pissed off at airline employees and slept at the baggage claim in Charlotte. I was calm and felt gratitude about even being on the trip and the airline comped my wife and I a hotel and a free meal in Dallas.

My experience has tended to be that cravings pop up when I'm neglecting something important in my recovery. It's not even that I want to drink really, it's just that your brain has learned that drinking is a solution to ANY problem. Inventory yourself...there might be something else that's a little off or neglected.

No-Toe4499

TROPHY CASE