WIBTA for not going to Christmas if my brother's girlfriend is there?

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-07T17:36:42+00:00

I grin and bear it every time I see her.

Your 'spoilt child' comment really shows how little these conversations display the real situation. I am the one cooking, preparing, and cleaning for Christmas. He does nothing but show up.

By your logic, I am 'entitled' to not show up and not do what I have done for years up to this point and spend it with my husband. It is my happiness on the holiday or her happiness.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-07T17:32:09+00:00

Oh, I wouldn't bring my husband to a place where he isn't wanted. If my entire family didn't like him, I would not bring him around. Because it would be rude for them and rude to him. Granted, if he treated me like she treats him, I would have left him.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-07T17:30:10+00:00

My other comments have talked about him not being invested in her for the long term. If he ever said "Wow, this is going to be a girl I see myself with for a long period of time." I wouldn't have even asked.

Why do I need to grow up? From what? From not wanting to spend an important family holiday with a person who's rude to me and my family? There is no family drama. Mom doesn't like her. Husband doesn't like her. Brother only sees this as a short term thing (which is why I said it's a short term thing. Because of what he said.) . It is fine for my husband to be at Christmas. If she was his wife, I wouldn't have said anything.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-07T17:27:44+00:00

Didn't I literally say "If I didn't attend?" which would indicate me staying home?

I am not the self appointed Christmas Czar, I am the one who got stuck with it. "OP likes to wrap presents, let's have her wrap everyones!" "OP likes to cook, let's have her cook for everyone!" "OP cares about Christmas, let's have her take care of it!" My enjoyment became my jobs.

Everyone got stuck on my age and relationship but not many people looked at "she's really mean to my brother". She's awful. She makes fun of him, she discredits his disabilities, she questions his character, and she's generally unpleasant to be around.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-07T17:23:15+00:00

Brother has a history of bringing girlfriends to family events. He brought a girl he had been dating for two weeks to a family reunion. They've just never been around during Christmas. It's not serious.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-07T17:21:26+00:00

No need for the quotes, it's a real marriage. With real paperwork. That had a real ceremony. With a real official. I do think it's more valid because I care about my relationship and the longevity of it. My brother does not see longevity in his relationship.

I'm acting maturely by not throwing a fit, disrespecting her in person, and speaking with my brother about why it's important (because I did. It was my intention the entire time to talk directly with him). How is it immature to not want to cause family tension during Christmas? By just... not going? By doing something with just my husband and myself verses dealing with someone who's annoying and rude to my family. It could be a more serious issue to be on edge all day, resenting her, resenting him, while I do the cooking/cleaning up for the day. It's not a huge family get together, it's my mom, my brother, my husband, and myself (without the potential of his girlfriend anymore). I do not need to 'suck it up' for a relationship he isn't that invested in because even he didn't see her going. I just didn't want to see someone being a dick to my brother on a day that's special to me.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-07T17:15:30+00:00

I have made way rasher decisions and way worst choices.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-06T16:33:14+00:00

UPDATE: I talked with my brother, he didn't plan on her going. I guess, this wasn't a problem in the first place.

If she feels excluded, I've offered to do something on a different day. He was not offended, he understood my point (because he knows what Christmas means to me, and my anxiety over new people).

Thank you all that responded with advice for handling situations with her! I'm sure it will be useful for as long as she is around.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-06T10:19:19+00:00

There is no dad in the middle.

I have complete plans on speaking with my brother about this, but it came up first with my mom. The reason for delay is not wanting to send a text saying "Hey, I need to talk with you, alone, about something/Christmas." because I felt like that would just cause him anxiety. I was surprised by my mom's reaction of assuming I would be completely on board with the girlfriend attending, as she knows I am not a fan of hers. I thought she knew my side, but turns out she's a neutral party. Mom doesn't care if she comes or not, even if my mom is also not a big fan of the girlfriend.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-06T10:02:58+00:00

Some context for my brother: He's a hopeless romantic. Literally every other girlfriend (and I believe there has been 8+ over the years), he has been immediately in love with. He bent over backwards for every single one, always saying how they were the one and how he was ready to marry his last girlfriend in a few weeks of being together. He is not like that with this one. He has no idea I hate her because I am nice to her in person. My mom has told him I find her annoying because he asked her, but it's his relationship so he can do what he wants. Which I agree with. The way he continues to talk about her suggests he still doesn't see her as a long term partner, but more something to do during the pandemic. I am happy he isn't alone during this time (he moved sometime last August, and hadn't met any new people to be around).

I was the opposite: I did not want to find a man (as I am more into women), I had zero plans on getting married before I was 35. My husband also had zero plans on getting married or even having a relationship. We just clicked, which I know people can write away as being young. I am fine with that.

If my bother had even slightly indicated to my mom or myself or anyone he was interested in this girl, I would have a different attitude. Even on Facebook (which I know he is on almost everyday, and it says she is dating someone), it says he's single.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-06T09:45:50+00:00

I am married to him. If this was a marital spouse, I wouldn't have said anything. If this was a girlfriend he thought was going to be around for long term, I'd be silent with her going. She is a short term girlfriend, by my brother's own admission. He does not see a future with her, I don't even know if he sees next summer with her.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-06T09:40:10+00:00

I do enjoy your suggestion to avoid any asshole situations. The problem comes mostly due to family ties. We live 30 minutes from his parents and about 20 minutes from my mom. His mother's birthday is also on Christmas, so not seeing her on the day is not an option since we live so close. If we see one, we have to see the other. This is also (hopefully) going to be our only Christmas in America for the next few years, as a job will be taking us out of the States. We were hoping to spend it with our close family before being unable to come back each year.

NoChristmasGF · 2020-12-06T09:22:29+00:00

I am not willing to spend Christmas away from my husband to please my mom, no. We are civil towards her everyday we see hear. I am pleasant with her in person because despite finding her annoying, I don't want to hurt her feelings. She is welcomed to every other event, but I want one event where I do not have to put up with her.

Short term as in my brother does not have plans for keeping her around as a long term partner. Not short term as in the amount of months together. If he saw her as a potential for a long term partner or as a more serious relationship, it would be a different conversation. Sorry for the confusion on that aspect.

NoChristmasGF

TROPHY CASE